De-constructing the Militant SAHM.......
All SAHMs are not militant. Far from it. I've never met a militant SAHM in real life, (not that I know of anyway). But I've *met* at few on the internet. SAH vs WOH debates reach a fever pitch on this board from time to time. These debates cause war zones on internet Playgroups - which is weird if a group has been together through the Expecting part and then they create havoc if a mom returns to work.
I'm not talking about SAHMs who say things like,
"I stay at home because it's best for my family"
or
"I believe young children should be with a parent, in my opinion".
Nope. I'm talking about the woman who says things like:
"What did you have kids for? Why didn't you just get a dog?"
or
"Why are you letting daycare raise your kids?"
or
"Why did you have kids if you don't want to care for them".
These women fight any progress made in the workplace to make employers more family friendly. They fight maturnity and parental leave legislation. They think workplace daycares are horrors. They don't want mothers working. Period.
They say that they "care about children" and that's why they feel so strongly. But they turn on a dime if the mother is a single mother. Those mothers are allowed to work. They obviously care less about children of single parents because the potential tax increase to pay benefits for SAH single parents is enough to get them to compromise their all-caring, all-knowing philosophy on child rearing.
All too often, when challenged by a militant SAHM, the working mother will list all the reasons - financial, health benefits etc. If the plight is pathetic enough, the militant SAHM will forgive them the "need" to work. Without full disclosure or justification for working, the militant SAHM assumes and boldly announces that the working mother is materialistic and has a greater need for consumer goods than a sense of responsibility for their children.
If the brave WOH mom says that she likes to work. Then she becomes "selfish". The militant SAHM says that pursuing her own selfish needs at the expense of the child's well being is a detriment to society. And we wonder, she says, why there are school shootings, juvenile crime and why our schools are crumbling.
Now - we know that each family decision is different. We all have different variables. We all have different compentencies. We have different family goals. We like to live different ways. We want different things.
I work for money, myself. Nothing more, nothing less. I would be a SAHM in a heartbeat if I could. And I could. But I have no interest in fashioning my daughter's Xmas dress from dryer lint. I don't wish to buy birthday presents from the dollar store. I wish for my child to have access to swimming lessons, enrichment activities and such. I like to buy what I want in the grocery store. And I want cable. And I want 2 cars. And I want to make the odd spontaneous purchase. And I want to decide at the last minute that we're going out for dinner. And I don't wish to rent. I want to own.
Most SAHMs who have the income or financial security to live a reasonably comfortable existance are not militant. They generally feel lucky and priviledged to be able to live well on one income and be at home. They have likely planned well.
I have found that the greater degree of militancy comes from those who have made huge sacrifices. They use one car. They don't shop. They down-grade everything they own. Get rid of cable. No spontaneous purchases. No pay to play activities for the children. That's fine if that's what you want, but I couldn't live that way and they think everyone should.
I would feel like a terrible parent if I gave up everything to stay home. First of all, I'd be miserable because I would feel deprived. I'd be jealous of those who had more than me. I would feel resentful that I couldn't prepare the meals that I really wanted to. I would feel guilty that my kid couldn't participate in activities because we didn't have the money for the program. And if momma is miserable, no-one is going to be having any fun.
I think three factors contribute to militant SAHMism. One if misery - they create a life with so much sacrifice that they want everyone else to be miserable too.
The second factor is control. They cannot entertain for even a nano-second that anyone else could possibly have a positive influence on their child. No one else can teach. No one else can nurture. No one else can be important to the child.
The third factor is an unusually high need for validation. Non-militant SAHMs are comfortable doing what they do without needing society or the entire internet to pat them on the back and validate them. Militant SAHMs want people to think they are the unselfish heros of the world.
So what do you think? Who are these women to log on to the internet and rake everyone else over the coals while looking for kudos for their "sacrifice". Who are these women to put everyone on the defensive and cause people to justify their choices? What do you think motivates them? And why?
Now, I just *know* that a militant SAHM will attempt to turn this thread into a debate. Let her. It will only help us to deconstruct the personality traits that cause this militancy.
