Stay at Home vs. Work Debate

For my DH, he was happy to let me do everything as long as I was willing.  He was also happy to help whenever I asked.  The problem became when I started to resent asking, as if it was my job to get it done, even if getting it done included asking him for help.  I finally sat down and said that I didn't want to ask anymore.  He didn't ask me to do his laundry, but it always showed up clean in his drawer, etc.  We talked about what things would be his responsibility.  Just like my responsibilities, it didn't mean he couldn't ask me for help when he needed it, but that I would assume he was taking care of it unless I heard otherwise. 

He now handles 90% of the meal prep and grocery shopping.  He's become an excellent cook.  He also handles "mornings" with the kids - gets the ready for school and on the bus.  I do afternoons - homework, etc.

That's it!

The problem became when I started to resent asking, as if it was my job to get it done, even if getting it done included asking him for help. 

When dh and I talked about expectations, my list wasn't very long at all.  Really, I just wanted him to *notice* that certain things needed to get done.  For example, I hated that I was *always* the one to point out that the garbage was full and needed to be taken out.  I was the *bad guy* and the enforcer, asking dh or one of the kids to do it (if I didn't just do it myself).  As soon as dh started noticing that it needed to be done, he would sometimes remind the kids about it....and now, they notice it on their own too!

With dh taking note of things, and each of us willing to ask for help when we need it, things run a lot smoother.  I still do the bulk of the house work, b/c that's my *job* (as the sahp), but when dh and the kids are home, they are equally responsible for maintaining our home and cleaning up.  Everyone does their part, b/c they are part of the family, not b/c mom needs help.

We have a bit of role reversal in the area of housework.  Generally, my husband is more anal about keeping the house clean than I am.  He is the one that harps on me to put things back where they belong, to run the dishwasher when it's full, etc.  I want to keep the house clean because I love having a clean house but, I'll admit it, I'm just lazy.  It's really hard to break the habit of just leaving things lay around wherever they happen to be.  I'm working on it, but it's a work in progress.  I also feel like I'd be much better at doing housework if I actually did stay at home and had the time to do it.  My biggest problem is, I get home from a full day of work and I just want to do nothing but bum the evening away.

As far as the sex connection, it doesn't really work with us.  DH does more of the housework (especially since he's unemployed at the moment), but DH also wants more of the sex.  I just don't have a huge sex drive and I'm not sure why.  I'm also not sure what to tell him to do to get me more in the mood.  I'm sure I could tell him pretty much anything and he would do it if it meant getting sex.  I just don't know what that would be.

Thank you for your comments Traci, I agree with the sex connection not working for everyone. There's your situation, there's the scenario where the libidos are the other way round and the partner at home (in charge of the routine housework) is also the partner with the higher drive...

Talk to you in a bit,