Hot Topic: Games People Play

Hi,

After my boyfriend started changing his routine about a month ago, I started to snoop a little and found he'd been hiding things from me.

I discovered frequent phone calls day and night for weeks (that were on our phone bill) between him and a former female co-worker. When I confessed that I had snooped he was obviously upset and a big fight ensued, and in the last few weeks I have found myself on the defensive for "snooping" and not trusting him. He told me the ex-co-worker has been depressed about work and her relationship issues and needed someone to talk to. He also insisted that she is not his type at all and can't understand what there is for me to be insecure about.

It may not have grown to such proportions if he had just admitted to their "friendship" from the beginning and been open about phone conversations and meetings (which I also discovered). But the fact that he hid it and then denies their frequency when the evidence is on the bill, makes me feel something is very wrong. The more I question him, the more we fight. I offer to show him the bill, but he doesn't want to see it. He'll get angry and try to change the subject to my snooping and how unhealthy it is.

I've told him the fact that he is denying these calls (and I believe occassional lunch or dinner dates) is what makes me trust him even less, but he he tells me all I need to know is that he loves me, would never cheat or be unfaithful to me and I should trust him. He claims I'm ruining our relationship by my lack of trust and I say he is ruining our relationship with these denials (and lies)?

The truth is I don't mind if he has female friends as long as he respects the boundaries, like not calling 10 times day and night. I know I have had male friends who had girlfriends while I was single or in a relationship, with whom I'd chat or call late at night once in a while. But this is too much.

I have tried to see his side. We have lived together for 3 years, and I hate to just give up relationships, but I can't make sense of all this , even with all his reassurances, and it's eating me up.

Could this relationship be really innocent like he says? I know that he does like it when people need advise and I have seen him spend days on end with guy friends talking/chatting about certain issues. But why would he hide or deny this particular relationship? Now that I know about it, why can't it be out in the open? Just last night I felt he had called her and asked to see his recent calls on his phone. He handed it over to me and to my surprise, he had cleared all recent calls, but of course he denied that too. By denying the extent of calls, is he trying to not give in to me as punishment for my snooping?

I haven't been able to talk to friends, because I don't think they can be objective in this.

Thanks

Thanks for the response.

Last night the bf came home and told me he had something very important to tell me. He said that the woman friend that he'd been talking to in secret had recently been sexual assaulted by another of his ex-co-workers and he'd been trying to keep this a secret for her sake. He said she's completely devastated, but is afraid of going to the police for fear of what people may think.

He said he's only telling me this now because he realized that it's hurting our relationship. He also said he feels really bad that he's breaking a promise to her by telling me, but he feels he has no choice. I'm still not sure if I can trust him, inspite of this shocking revelation.

It's gotten to the point where I doubt everything he says. Does this sound like b.s.?

Thanks

Sounds fishy still. She is confiding this crime to him rather than reporting it to the police? Whether or not the assault occurred, your boyfriend isn't a rape crisis counselor. She's being a damsel in distress, he's being knight in shining armor. Noble. But inappropriate. I wouldn't like it either.

In our society, someone who has been assaulted sexually can obtain really great support by contacting rape crisis centers. If she really wants help, that is.