Ask the Relationship Saver

Hi everyone!!! I just need a bit of advice here..hopefully you can help. Here's a background of my particular situation:

I've been dating my boyfriend now for a little over a year. He is my dream boyfriend. He is considerate, caring, loving, gives me tons of attention, EVERYTHING! Now, for the first 7 or 8 months together, I was not as active in the relationship as he was. Meaning, I was trying very hard to shield myself from getting hurt, so I was kind of distant. This was almost the demise of our relationship. Luckily, I came around and things are better than ever. Here's my thing though. I feel like as soon as I fall in love with someone, I become very attached and concerned about every little thing, to the point of obsession. I find myself checking his computer, and NO i do NOT like what I find. The only time I've ever mentioned anything (most of the time it's porn and I can't bring myself to humiliate him about that) is when I saw that he'd done a search for an old crush that we'd talked about days prior. That was the only thing that hurt me. The second I saw that, I flew off the handle. This is not normal! People do random google seaches all the time, people get curious. We are planning to live together within 6 months to a year, and I have to be able to trust him. I check his phone log once in a while too. He has never ever given me reason to think he'd sneak behind my back. He's never disappeared even for a couple of hours.. The thing is, back when I was a little more distant, I never ONCE thought to do any of this. I hadn't even been on his computer until recently. I find subtle ways to ask him questions about where he's going, who he is with etc. to the point that he has started noticing! He doesn't seem to mind about that, he just thinks I'm being a little insecure when I ask these things. Even little tiny fights turn into huge tornado blowouts because I can't let things go. We NEVER used to fight! This should be the greatest point of our relationship. We are mutually emotionally vested in this relationship, but I feel so insecure! What do I do to quell these irrational fears and snooping??? He doesn't deserve a psychotic girlfriend. Why am I doing this? Anyone in the same boat? Sometimes I wish I'd be halfway present again only to keep my dignity intact. I feel like I'm losing it. Imagine how I'd be with a guy who didn't treat me this well! Advice please ... :)

Welcome to the board shutterbug,

Sounds like you went from one extreme to the other. First, being distant so you don't get hurt, now having to be in everything, snooping, etc so you are prepared for anything - it's just another form of protection.  Both behaviors indicate you don't trust him or yourself in the relationship.

Here's some reading material to consider:

If This Is Love Why Do I Feel So Insecure? by Carl G. Hindy

You also might want to consider some short-term counseling to help you figure yourself out.

I think it is time for counseling. This isn't about his behavior, but your reaction to it. Find out why your jealousy is out of control. He may leave and then there you are, the same person with a new boyfriend, checking his email. You don't need to be like this for the rest of your life.

Wherever you go, there you are.

The one year mark is usually a huge milestone in a relationship, for some reason. It's when a lot of couples really start to get over the Honeymoon Phase and they begin to realize what life will be like together in the future. Sorry, but until you get out of the lovey-dovey "omg I have to call him and text him ALL THE TIME I love him we are going to be together FOREVER he is the best and he is sosososo perfect!!" phase, you really don't have A CLUE what the other person is really like!

I think this is the point when you two are deciding whether or not you really fit together. Sometimes this manifests itself in fights. You two can either learn how to argue and you can get over your urge to look through his phone logs etc., or your relationship WILL END from it eventually. He will come to resent you for it and the one thing relationships don't recover from is resent.

So how do you start? By resisting the urge to look, even when the opportunity permits itself. I will say that looking up an old crush on Google is in no way indicative of his feelings for you. I looked up an old crush of mine the other day just to see what he was up to, to see if he ever married that girl he was with and what he finally decided to major in, not because I was unhappy with my guy.

Could it be that you feel he is "too perfect?" A lot of women in your position tend to create unnecessary problems and become irrationally snoop-y when the relationship feels too good to be true. It's called self-sabotaging behavior and I think you should look into it.

Either way you're going to have to broach the subject to him, and the more calmly and rationally you do it the better he will respond. This is also one of the times when I'm going to take Dear Abby's boring approach and say "go to counseling." Just you. You need to learn where your insecurities are coming from and reasonable ways of dealing with them WITHOUT dragging your guy into it. He sounds like he's a great guy, but he is only just starting to catch on to what you're doing to the relationship and if this goes too far, then resentment will build up. Don't lose a good person over this. Keep this mantra in the back of your mind: "the way I act and react to situations is what dictates the way he feels about the relationship"