Hot Debates

Anyone else feel like this is ok? Why is it such a no no to so many?

My situation: Been with my boyfriend for 9 years. We planned a baby and now have a 2 year old. I don't believe in marriage. My parents were married and they got divorced when I was 2 so obviously a piece of paper was not enough to keep them together, and seeing many other couples divorce over the years has really shaped the opinion I have. I personally don't think that being legally married would change anything for my relationship. I will add however that as far as legal things go we are considered common law spouses and if we separated we would have to figure out how things would be split. We have talked about this and agree on who should get what. Where our DD is concerned we would make arrangements outside of the court. I just don't understand the people I've talked to IRL who are so opposed to couples that are together for years unmarried, living together, with good jobs, who decided to have kids. There are plenty of married couples that have no business having kids IMO, what does being married have to do with being committed and starting a family?

Disclaimer: I understand there are couples who want to get married before kids and that's fine, what I'm confused about are the people that think any other way is plain wrong.

ETA: Wanted to change title to :kids without marriage....but either situation is up for debate. Whether you never plan on getting married like myself, or plan on getting married after having kids.

Oh noes! You're bucking the norm!

A lot of the reason I got married was simply to make immigration issues easier since he's from one country, I'm from another and we're living in a third. I love my husband and don't see myself ever leaving him.. But that would be the same even without that little paper legally binding us to each other. And due to the horrible, horrible problems we had getting the proper paperwork filed in 3 different languages in 3 different countries, even if we do split up, we will never be getting divorced so I don't see where it's changed anything at all other than making immigration a little bit easier to deal with.

I honestly don't see the problem with a stable couple who know where their lives are headed with the financial ability to start a family having kids. You've been together for 9 years. That's a lot of commitment to each other already.. What is a peice of paper going to add that you don't already have other than maybe some legal protections?

I think a lot of peoples problem with it is just that it's bucking the norm. You're not doing what is expected of you. People don't tend to tolerate individuals acting as individuals very well.. They want everyone to follow the herd and grow up, get married, buy a house and have 2.5 kids just like everyone else. A lot of people see an unmarried couple as 'not permanent' or unstable when it isn't necessarily true. I have personally known 6 different couples who were married for a year or less. 4 of those couples had a baby when they split up. Is that really better for a kid than someone like you who has been in a committed relationship for 9 years? Not to me it isn't.

Turdle

My commitment to my husband is what keeps us together, not some "little piece of paper." I've never quite understood the argument against marriage on the grounds that it's just a piece of paper. It is far, far more than that.

I'm not sure what you're debating here. It sounds like you've made a choice that you and your BF are comfortable with and you live in state that recognizes common law marriage. (Some states don't, so there aren't as many legal protections for couples who break up.)

As far as why some people think you should be married before kids, well, there are many reasons for that, but I think the main ones are religious.

"I've never quite understood the argument against marriage on the grounds that it's just a piece of paper. It is far, far more than that."

I think that depends on the individual in question. For me, that marriage certificate IS just a piece of paper. It's a piece of paper that caused a lot of stress and anxiety that I really could have done without at that point in my life. It's only special properties are that we have it in 3 different languages and it makes it far less likely that one of us will be deported without both of us being deported.

I would be with my husband reguardless of wether or not that paper existed. I would have the same commitments to him and his wellbeing/happiness even if it didn't exist. Would you not have the same commitment to your husband even if you weren't married? To me, a relationship is about love, trust, respect and commitment to each other. That doesn't come about simply because you signed the paper and had the ceremony and wear a pair of rings.

Turdle