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My Story- last part p/c

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  10788.1
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  Sep-23 10:43 am


It was a sign. As they marched away from the caves, there had
been a blood red moon hanging low in the sky. Many of the
soldiers had made mention of it, saying it was a bad sign.
A lead soldier assigned and sent out patrols. They were to
spread out over the outlands, keeping to the rocks and hidden
places as much as possible. It would be soon enough that they
might be spread out unknown distances from each other, and
they knew that many would never return...

A sentry had spotted the soldiers three days out. They came in
large trucks, and seemed to have no end to their numbers. A shudder
passed through the columns as they watched them dismount from
the huge lorries...

The large barracks- like building was a sparkling clean white,
like the other structures surrounding it. At this time in the
afternoons it was deserted. This was the time for the training
sessions. All was deathly silence as she stood in the doorway.
As she entered and walked down the long rows of cubicles, a
dreamlike, distant wailing came to her ears. She looked around her,
and saw that the walls ran red with blood...

They all stood in a straight line, facing a huge flag fluttering
in the wind. As it lifted and fell, she could just make out a large
cross- like symbol in the center. As they held their arms aloft,
she could see their mouths moving, but no sound came out. Then, one
by one, they turned to look at her. A high pitched, demonic laughter
filled her ears. The sound of marching feet was deafening...

The battle had been too one- sided. They had fought hard for three days,
with primitive rifles their only weapons. The remnants had scattered
into the mountains, such few numbers, that the councils armies had
withdrawn and left the fevered battle, believing nothing was left to
destroy. It took several more days for them to find their way back to
the caves, and then to bury the dead, as could be found...

They sat in the cool caves, listening to the weather reports on the outside.
"It has never been this bad", remarked a young soldier. The last several
months had been increasingly hot on the surface. Thermogenic, unrelenting winds
had scorched all living things, leaving nothing but a vast, blistering
wasteland.
John and Jacob Holmes sat silent, listening. "It's a good thing we rebuilt the
underground reservoirs", Jacob made the quiet remark to his brother.
"There isnt going to be any water anywhere above ground after this. Things
are turning bad very quickly"...

The young sentry ran down the main passage in a panic. "Sirs"! He yelled
hysterically, there's fire raining from the sky"!
John and Jacob ran up the passage to the main entrance. As the heavy electronic
doors slid open, the blast of heat that came was smothering. A dozen or so
sentries were racing for the safely of the cave, knowing that the ones farther
out were doomed. There was nothing anyone could do to help them...

After talking with the girl for several hours, they had learned that her
village priests had told the people about the coming destruction of earth.
She told them the prophesies were coming true, that was why the village had
been attacked and destroyed.
The elder priest had given her the name "Shara" which meant "prophetess".
It explained why she had always remained separate from the people...

"There are things I must tell you, things I don't understand", she told him.
"The old woman that raised me told me many secrets, showed me many things".
She handed him an old animal skin bag, and on opening it, he found a large
bundle of papers filled with scientific notations and formulas. He looked
up at her in stark amazement. It couldn't be! These were the very papers he
had given to the old woman the night he had left those many years ago!
"Yes, the girl said, she told me all about you when I was old enough to truly
understand the importance of keeping silent. My visions eventually led me to you.
That's why our village was destroyed, they have known where the old woman went
for a long time, and were just waiting for the right time".
Jacob shook his head sadly, so this was what mankind had come to, self
extermination. He gazed at the papers, what good were they now, if man was just
going to annihalate themselves? He looked at her.
"Yes". She said. "I know what is going through your mind, man will destroy
himself, no matter what. So all this was totally useless"...

The roar became increasingly louder. Every place man stood, whether desert
or plains, they looked to the sky in terror, knowing there was no escape.
The great firestorm fell on them, destroying earth completely.

... And He gathered them together unto a place called Armageddon. Rev 16:16.

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My Story- last part p/c

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  10788.2 in response to 10788.1
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  Sep-26 10:42 am

Hi
Have you posted earlier parts of your story?
It would be interesting to know what led up to this. Parts are very good. I noticed other parts could benefit with a little change in strategy.

When you use the word "was" it tells the reader rather than showing the reader:
For example "The man was tall" tells the reader something about the mans height.
"The man towered over everyone" show the reader his height.

"The sound of marching feet was deafening..." tells the reader how loud the sound is. It also seems contradictory because wouldn't deafening mean no sound is heard.
Depending on what you are wanting to convey, you could say something like:

A high pitched, demonic laughter filled her ears blotting out the sound of marching feet.

or:

A high pitched, demonic laughter filled her ears only to be smothered by ( or drowned in) the sound of marching feet.

Your opening line sort of repeats itself telling the reader twice about a sign:
It was a sign. As they marched away from the caves, there had
been a blood red moon hanging low in the sky. Many of the
soldiers had made mention of it, saying it was a bad sign.

You could condense it and make it more powerful with something like this:
A blood red moon hanging low in the sky seemed to signal a fearful omen. The soldiers muttered amongst themselves as they marched away from the caves about what evil it might portend.

Here are a couple other suggestions:

The large barracks-like building was a sparkling clean white,
like the other structures surrounding it.
- could read something like:

A deathly still hung over corridors emptied by the afternoon training sessions. The deserted barracks-like building and those surrounding it sparkled cleanly.

You have an interesting scenario happening and obviously a lot of thought has gone into your plot. These are of course just suggestions with examples of how sentence structure conveys an idea to the reader using words from your story. Does it make sense that the reader is engaged more with the story, when shown what is going on then when dramatic statements tell them what happened?

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