Yesterday, I found out I am pregnant with my third child. I am 23 years old, I have been married for 4 years. I have an almost 3 year old daughter and an 8 month old daughter. My husband and I still live in my parents house due to financial reasons. I was breastfeeding my youngest until 2 months ago, when I quit to go back to work. I haven't even had a period since before she was conceived. I started feeling sick earlier this week. I first began to blame it on the fact that maybe my hormones were changing back to normal and it was causing me to get sick. But, that's obviously not the case. So, I am now left deciding if I should have this baby or abort. I don't feel like my 8 month old got enough baby time. I do feel that this one is a boy (about 90% sure in my heart). I think its too ironic. DH really wants a boy, but really wants me to get an abortion - saying if it is a boy, we can have another one later. But, I dont want another one. If I am going to get rid of this child, I certainly don't want another one in the future either. When I think about 10 or 15 years from now, I don't see 3 children. I see my 2 girls. That's it.
I'm of course very upset over it. I never imagined me to be the type to have an abortion. I am prochoice, but just didnt think it was for me. I've been crying about it. Having flip flop emotions. One minute, I think "oh my god, I have to have this baby. Its my baby!", then 5 minutes later I am just thinking about the fact that I CAN'T do this. I can't support another child, it would not be fair to anyone - not to my parents, my 2 brothers (who live with my parents also), to DH, or to the 2 kids I have. It's such a rollercoaster. I see it like this - if I have this baby, its going to affect everyones life. If I dont, its just going to affect mine (and the babys life of course). I havent told anyone except DH - who, like I said, wants me to have the abortion. My family is pro-choice, but I am not sure how they would really feel if I told them. I know my brothers would be fine with it. They are not into kids and I'm sure they kind of wish I didnt have the ones that I did.
Ugh, I am just so hurt about the whole thing. Yesterday was terrible. So far, today is a little easier. Yesterday, I just cried at the thought. I kept apologizing to the baby inside. Telling him that I couldnt keep him. If I do go through with it (the abortion), I just dont want the baby to feel any pain. I want the baby to go to someone more deserving. I wish this was simple!!!
message #: 4333.2 in response to 4333.1
good morning... I just read your posting twice.... these are the words that jumped out at me I see it like this - if I have this baby, its going to affect everyones life. If I dont, its just going to affect mine (and the babys life of course). I remember thinking that way too-- I'll just take it on myself-- little did I know the fallout that would affect everyone and everything and most of all me for the rest of my days. Either way it's going to affect everyone's life-- your suffering (it's clear you already are disraught over losing your baby) to come will affect your children, your marriage, your family-- just look at all the postings here where marriages fall apart. Finances can change too and your 8 month old will have another 9 months of baby time. Your husband has his opinion but he is not the one who will have to go through an abortion-- will not understand your pain. You didn't mention any red flags, like addictions, abuse, craziness so I would look at it this way: If you have this baby, it's going to affect everyone's life-- everyone will share in the joy of child, everyone will share in the new responsibility. If you don't it's going to affect mostly you-- you alone will carry the guilt, shame, sadness that no one talks about is a big part of abortion, but also, those around you will be affected by your state. No one talks about the darkness that follows abortion... in some cases the darkness of keeping the baby may be greater, but from what you've written here I don't think that is the case for you. Honestly I think you will be a happier person in the long run if you keep it. That is just my personal and experienced opinion. I too am pro-choice but didn't think I'd ever do it. Now I'm still pro-choice but no longer believe that abortion is pro-woman. I think it actually damages the woman deeply, and her unspeakable secret sadness spreads with or without a word to everyone around her. take care of yourself, "We have much courage for the abstract, but not for the concrete."
-Helen Keller
message #: 4333.3 in response to 4333.1
I feel your pain. This is sooooooo hard I know. I just read the previous posting. I agree with her also. You see I DID choose abortion, never realized what depths of depression I would plunge into. It affected the Mommy I was for my other two children BIG TIME. The man I was married to ended up leaving me because things fell apart so bad. It is such a shock to accept another baby. I thought I wouldn't have enough love to go around...in reality what I found out from others in the same boat....the surprise, unplanned baby ended up being the biggest blessings. I found out from others later on that many time it is that third child that even ends up taking care of THEM when they needed it. I know this takes every ounce of courage you can muster, but in the long run, you will not be sorry for protecting your little one. Will it be easy, NO! Will it be worth it, YES!! I would take back my decision in a minute....I really miss my daughter....(I only had the two boys) the one I did not have the internal fortitude to stand up for. If you have already made your decision, I understand. You are in a tough tough place. This is NOT easy. <div class="sig">Trudy Mae<br />Author of "C.P.R.~Choice Processing and Resolution"<br />---written for women who've voluntarily terminated a pregnancy and want to process the grief.<br /><a href='http://www.missingpieces.org' target='_blank'> www.missingpieces.org</a><br /><a href='http://www.choicepr.blogspot.com' target='_blank'> www.choicepr.blogspot.com</a></div>
message #: 4333.4 in response to 4333.1
hi there,
i don't have children, and have never had an abortion... So probably i don't much know what i am talking about... But my opinion is that you should consult yourself on this one... Husband, yes, gets a very tiny vote - but you are the one who will have to go through this and live with the decision. And there is no reason whatsoever for you to inform your parents or siblings or children about this at all! can you get away from them all, even for a few hours, to clear your head and consult your heart on what you want to do?
hugs
message #: 4333.5 in response to 4333.1
I'm so sorry. I was in a very similar situation the beginning of this year. I too am pro-choice and, never ever thought I would actually have to be in the position to need an abortion. At that time, I had a 6 yr old girl and 14 month old daughters (still nursing then) when I found out I was pregnant. Our decision did not have to do with finance. I know my family and friends would have been supportive of a third child. Don't worry about your family not accepting another child or if it's fair to them. They will help you and will not blame you for keeping the baby. It does come down to a decision between you and your husband. And mostly it comes down to you. My DH also said that even if the baby was a boy, we can have another one later. I thought he was crazy! If I survive through an abortion, I don't think I can ever feel okay being pregnant again. Ultimately, I did abort that baby because I felt that I wanted my second child to have more baby time. I had high risk pregnancies before and would expect the condition to worsen the 3rd time around. Having two babies so close would have been too overwhelming and I would not be the mother I want to be. I would not be as present for my two daughters. I felt the quality of my time and attention would have been too strained. I completely understand your position. My parents were very overwhelmed when I was a child and I felt the repercussion of that growing up. It still affects me today how I was left of fend for myself so much as a child. I didn't my daughters to grow up like I did. That said, it was not an easy decision. The recovery and guilt is destroying me inside. My marriage was weak at the beginning of this and now it's in serious trouble. My depression that followed the abortion, the lack of his compassion, and inability to connect with me is driving us apart. He agreed with abortion, but now he's telling me that he wish we kept the baby. I know he's grieving, but he changed his mind and not I feel like I'm completely responsible for the decision we both made at the time. Let me make sure you understand. The emotional recovery from the abortion is very very hard. As much as having a third child, abortion is decision that will follow you for the rest of your life. It is a painful journey and either way you decide will be hard on you. Email me if you would like to talk further. Good luck.
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