Abortion Support

Hi -

I discovered this board and could really use some support especially since I am not telling anyone about my situation other than my husband. I am 37, happily married and have two children ages 3 and 7 and just discovered I am about 5 weeks pregnant (must have conceived about three weeks ago & we did use birth control) & do not want a third child. I am scheduled for a medication abortion on Friday & feel pretty confident it is the right decision for me, but have many emotions right now. I have always been pro-choice but having had two lives grow inside of me, it is tough to do this (I know it is tough no matter what). I am also scared of the pain of the abortion and the guilt.

We knew that we did not want a third child and my husband has said for many years that he would have a vasectomy but has procrastinated & cancelled a recent appointment because he was too busy at work. I have been very nervous about this because condoms are the only birth control we can use since I have had breast cancer (cannot use hormones). I am so mad at my husband right now because I definitely blame him for putting me in this awful position.

We have the financial resources for a third child and I am a stay at home mom so we have the time as well. This makes me feel more guilty about the fact that I really just want an abortion. I don’t feel like I have the emotional resources for another child - I have extremely high anxiety that I treat with medication (which I just stopped taking cold turkey when I learned of the pregnancy, not helping my emotional state) and really don’t think it’s fair to my husband and 2 children to add a third child that I can’t handle. I have had breast cancer and two mastectomies, just completed the second one very recently. My husband thinks I should have the abortion but is supportive either way. As I said, I am scheduled for the medication abortion Friday and feel like it is the right decision for me, but this is never an easy decision and there is no way to go through this without feeling, shocked, guilty, upset, confused, scared and I could definitely use some support.

Hi mom_ellabel and welcome to the board. You are in such a tough place right now, not only with the issue of an unwanted pregnancy, but dealing with breast cancer plus a recent 2nd mastectomy and being off your medication as well. No wonder your emotions are all over the map, please go easy on yourself. We are only human - doing the best we can.

Unfortunately, I know little of medical abortion as I had the surgical kind. I know there are threads on here that have described it and perhaps someone who has had one will chime in to ease your mind on what to expect. I was scared too. All of those emotions are all normal. We never think that we will be in this situation so working through them is a process that we each handle in our own way. Personally, once my appointment day arrived, I was relieved to know that it was going to be over and I never looked back.

Although I know you are mad at your DH right now, it is wonderful that he is supportive of you and will be there for you. Perhaps for his next appointment, you can drive him there yourself to make sure the job gets done? Just a thought :)

Please let us know how it goes and how you're doing. Sending many hugs your way...

  

          

    

   

        

     

 

 

      

Hi, and welcome to the board. It's a great group of ladies. Hopefully you will find lots of support here.

I understand being pro-choice, but still never exactly thinking it would be something you'd have to consider for yourself. That's probably how I would describe my own situation during my divorce. Pro choice, but I never thought *I* would be the one making the choice.

It sounds like your husband and you have talked things through. It's nice that you can talk about things together. Have you told him you're mad and feel like he's the one who put you in this position? What did he say?

It sounds like you've thought about why you think an abortion is the right thing for you. My only advice is to make sure that it's what you really want. You've got some time yet. Talk to your husband. Think about your future. If it's still what you want, then allow yourself the space to grieve for the baby you'll be losing. (It is still a loss, even if it's by choice.) Also, maybe think if it would be helpful to honor the baby in some way. Maybe naming him or her, or doing something to remember it.

I too can't use hormonal birth control, and I too wished I could do more to prevent pregnancy. After my abortion I was single, so I couldn't ask a partner to have a vasectomy. I did find one IUD which isn't hormonal, and that's what I ended up using. Have you thought about doing that so you'll have some peace of mind? Do you think that your husband will be able to get the vasectomy now? Have you talked about that?

Hi jettidog and cl-reiners-rock,

Thanks so much for your posts. So today is the day I go in for the first pill and I am really scared. I have been sleeping a little better since I made the appointment and I still just can't even picture going through the whole process of another child, so I take those as signs this is the right thing to do. My only struggle on the other side of the decision is the guilt issue. jettidog, I am glad to hear you felt relief after the whole thing. I am hoping that will be my overwhelming emotion, but we'll see. Yes, my husband has been very supportive and we both agree that our family will be best off with this decision, but that's why I had wanted to make sure we weren't in this position by doing the vasectomy! He definitely knows I am mad at him but I told him I will get over it and our marriage will be ok. And we will be using abstinence as birth control until the vasectomy is done! cl-reiners-rock, that is good to know that there are other non-hormonal birth control options. I should have looked into that more thoroughly after my second child was born. Thanks again for the support!!! --- mom_ellabel

You're welcome :) I too used the non-hormonal IUD for years and absolutely loved it, it was very freeing. I'd forgotten about that till CL-Reiners mentioned it (I no longer have to use BC).

Good luck today and please keep us posted, if you want. We care. More hugs...