Abortion Support

About a year ago, my boyfriend and I found out i was pregnant. We had only kinda planned for it, we usually used protection and then one day he asked what if he didnt use it, i was it would make me really happy. So the next time, and every time after that he didnt use it..A couple days later I asked him why he wasnt using it anymore, and he said to make a baby. I didnt question it because it was what I wanted too. So the next month we found out that it had happened and i was pregnant. We were a little upset and happy and confused and just a bunch of feelings in two people. But we both wanted it. 2 months later he started being worried about money and saying that we couldnt afford it,so he didnt want to have it. I completely understood and i brought up the option of adoption which he blew off completely. "Theres noway im fathering a child and having someone else raise it! Not a chance" he would say. My sisters Aunt said that she would take it, and if we wanted to see it, or even be called family, aunt and uncle, that she would accept that. That way we could still be in its life. He didnt like that either. He wanted it dead. There was no other option to him. We had told friends and I had told my family about the pregnancy but he wouldnt tell his..And then one day he was talking to my friend and telling her that if I had the baby he would leave me..That I had begged for him to stop using protection, that it was all my fault and he didnt ever want the baby. When I found out he said those things, I was heart broken. But him and i had been so much, I did it for him. I went and i had it, and i cant home to him hopeing everything would be okay. He went out the same nightt. Left me home alone, and went out every night for the next 2 months. We didnt talk about it, didnt mension it. It was as if to him it had never happened. But to me it did. And now a year later, almost exactly a year later, im still going through it. I havent gotten help or talked to anyone, or even still havent talked to him about it. I didnt want to do it..I had to lie my way into them letting me do it. It was wrong, and I know that. And now its never going to go away.

It hurts. It feels like im broken inside, completely destroyed. Like im a monster who doesnt deserve to be around anyone else. I think maybe I just needed to say it. To say all of it. To finally let it be out there without the judging eyes of people we know. To hear maybe comfort or sympathy. Or even judgement. Its time. And if he wont go through it with me, then ill have to do it alone. Again. Thank you for reading. I just needed to say it.

Are you still in a relationship with your boyfriend? How old are the two of you, if I may ask?

It sounds like you were stuck between a rock and a hard place with your decision. He definitely made his decision clear. It doesn't sound like he was willing to listen to your wants and needs, however.

You said you talked to your family about the pregnancy. Is there someone in your family that you would be able to talk to about how you're feeling right now? Maybe the one who would have taken the baby if you had it?

I've got to go right now, but will write more later. I just wanted you to know I"m here in the meantime.

ooh angel, I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. I know it all too well.

I'm so glad you came here-- there's no judgement. All of us here were all in the toughest spot ever!! we did the best we could and all of us have suffered and mourned the loss in different ways and to different degrees. I had a very hard time and I can understand a lot of the feelings you write about.

I know it's hard to be kind to yourself when you're feeling like you're a monster but trust me, forgiving yourself is the only way out. I want to encourage to find some help. I picked up a book called "A Season to Heal" by Luci Freed and Penny (something) and it helped a lot. I also went to a counselor who specialized in PASS "post abortion stress syndrome" which is just a name they give to what you're going through. You can read about it here www.afterabortion.com. I also found that counselor through Catholic Charities-- despite the name there was nothing religious about it, and it helped me find forgiveness after so much darkness.

Another good thing to do is call Exhale
www.4exhale.org
they are sometimes helpful

It can hurt so badly to go through abortion. In my experience, the medical part was the least of it. Please be try to be gentle with yourself so you can heal.

In the meantime-- now that you know how awful all this is-- PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE-- use birth control, use three methods, if possible.

Maybe once you start healing yourself you can re-evaluate your relationship, or communicate with him about the abortion and somehow get to a better place with him. But you first !! Like they say in an emergency, women and children first!! It's great that you named your baby... I'm still working on that (and mine was 10 months ago).

and lastly of course let us know how you're doing...