Domestic Abuse Support

Hi, I have been married for three years and I am 29 years old. He is a CPA and is 27years old. He likes to be the boss and even his mother has had to tell him that he's not the boss when he used to live at home. Sometimes he tells me what to do, mostly it's about money, he likes to save money and he hardly ever buys himself things like clothes or things for the house. He gets his parents to buy him things if he wants something and he almost always says that he doesn't need it if I want to buy him clothes or something.
First off, when I graduated college I was planning and thinking of going to graduate school for occupational therapy and he kind of didn't want me to go because he would be living in a different town working and we would not be together but when I told him he was the one who didn't really like me going to grad. school, he says that he told me that I could have gone and that he didn't care.
I decided to find a job in town where he was working after college and I ended up getting in a bad car accident with a semi truck and having to get 8 screws and a plate put in my ankle and I broke my knee which left me in a wheel chair for 3 months and I spent 1 1/2 years not working and recovering from my accident and thinking what I should do with the rest of my life as far as working. I decided to go to a college in town since we live in the area and he is paying for it.
I am going to try to get a part time job to help out, sometimes he kinda trys to make me feel bad about him not having enough money to pay for things but really he does beacuse he works for his family CPA business. I know it can be stressful, but I was in the accident because I was trying to make money that he wanted me to do.
Before I got married I would go out shopping at Nordstrom and nice stores for clothes and things. He would get mad if I bought a lot and he would say why did you buy that? That's not worth that much. He would say that's not worth that much on about anything. There is nothing wrong with Kohl's or anything but his mother buys things at Kohls and has purses from The Sak and I buy Cole Hann and Coach things.
I'm worried that when I can't go shopping with my parents anymore, what will happen? Will he make me go buy everything at Target and Kohl's my whole life?
Also, he tries to save money on heat and if I turn it up or if I use the water hose to water plants outside in the summer, he will look at the bill that we got in the mail and be like "looks like you used a lot of water last month" or the same about the heat" did you turn it up" he will turn up the heat if he's cold.
My mom is worried that he isn't taking good care of me and she thinks that he's bossing me and telling me what to do and I just go a long with it so we don't fight.

We don't get into fights at all, I do go along with what he wants to do but I don't see him as bossing me. the other day, I was telling him that we should get a new comforter for Christmas and he was like what for? we already have one (which is three years old) and I told him we can have more than one and he thought I was being stupid or something.

I think I just need to talk with him about these things. We had marriage counseling before we got married but it didn't help much, I think he just said what was supposed to be right.

Girl, you're headed for trouble if you don't do something about it now! He's a manipulator and he'll only get worse.

I am glad that you've recovered from your accident! Yes, it's now time to get on with your life. Go to school and/or work if that's what you want to do. Become that occupational therapist you want to be!

How can he make you do your shopping at Target or Kohls? Does he drive you there and escort you in the door?. No, probably not. Stand up for yourself and your choice of shopping interests. As long as you can afford the "better" brands and higher price tags, I see no reason for you to not shop where you want to shop.

You two don't fight because he's got you under his thumb! Get out from under and stand tall. Maybe try marriage counseling again. Maybe individual counseling would help.

I wish you luck!

     
glitter-graphics.com

You just described my life. I have been married to a CPA for 29 years now and I can tell you shopping at Target or Khols is a luxury for me. I get to shop at Walmart and K-mart...

Seriously, when we were first married, just like you, I wanted to be the "good wife". I gave him my paycheck, and trusted him with the financial end of our relationship because he was a CPA/Accountant. Each time I got close to getting my degree in anything he would make me quit for "financial" reasons with the promise I could finish it in a few years which never happened. I just got my bachelors in Criminal Justice but not without him doing everything in his power to stop me.

I would give him my paycheck to be told no money for groceries, no money for lunch money (I was doing without lunch) and learned he ate steak for lunch while I was being hungry...When my middle child was 1 I was told feminine hygiene products were not important and could not have money for that (I am not exaggerating) and a friend who had had a hysterectomy four years prior gave me her "left overs" to use when she learned I was not allowed to have such a luxury.

I have done everything possible to make things work, he just doesn't get it, we run the air conditioner 24/7 during the summer because he cant stand to be hot but heaven forbid I suggest turning on the heat because I am cold. Our yard is full of weeds and embarrassing because we cannot use the water to water the grass etc.

He works out of our living room, and thus expects us to be quiet incase a client calls, and he allows clients to call any time day or night. i gripe if it is after 5 actually stated no calls after 9 but am completely ignored and made fun of.

During the holidays (because he specializes in tax) I suggested he get a seasonal job to get us through the tough times and holidays and he literally said "I need to be available in case my clients need me"...wtf what about being available for your family?

Our house is in foreclosure for the 6th (I think, I lost count) time since we moved in 12 years ago all within the last 9 years when he went on his own.

He has to control the money, hides the bills from me and heaven help me if I ask or inquire what is going on with the bills. I have to beg for groceries and have actually had to become manipulative to get money for the kids and I to have things we need. i am sad to say  the kids have mastered the art far better than I have.

See our washer and dryer went out hum maybe 2years ago. Our basement is completely trashed and I refuse to get a new washer and dryer that cannot be installed by someone who knows what they are doing (I am tired of doing it myself because he doesn't/cant/wont) and they are not going into the trashed basement. So while I am waiting for him to get off his bottom to clean it we use the laundry mat. Some will want to comment here and ask why I don't clean the basement to which my answer is first health and ability and second this is my only way to get cash out of the man.

So we go to the laundry mat and I take 80.00 during tax season 60.00 during the off season...I keep the left overs which he believes to be about 10.00 in quarters....the truth is on the off season I get about 10.00 in quarters and a 20.00 bill to stash in my jewelry box for when the kids need something. during the busy season I have 40.00, 20 I put for the kids needs and 20 into savings for later like school time and the need for school supplies.

It is sad I have to live this way, it is sadder the kids have to live this way but what breaks my heart is my kids have mastered the art of deception too. One day i was in class (I am working on my masters degree while I seek employment so the kids and I can leave) and my husband decided to surprise me and have the laundry done for me...he dropped my oldest at the laundry mat (heaven forbid he do any laundry himself) and gave him 40.00. which was plenty to do the laundry but my oldest called and told him he needed more cash to finish things up. Why did he do that? first he did not want to blow my cover and expose what I had been doing to get extra cash and second my son was told he got to keep what change was left as his "reward" for doing the laundry...my son had an extra 30.00 for homecoming the next weekend.

I hate we have to live this way, I hate I have wasted so much time trying to "fix" things and hoping he would wake up and realize I was a human with needs and feeling. I hate my kids have had to learn to be manipulative to get what they need (not just wants, but needs)

I became sick and could no longer do the career I had been doing so I have had to re establish a new career. unfortunately I graduated just in time for this economy disaster so jobs are not available for another year or so in my particular speciality. People keep saying just leave but it is not that easy, especially with the credit mess my husband has created for us in trying to "control" everything. I could leave for a shelter but that would take away an available spot that might be needed by someone who is being physically harmed. I refuse to jump from the frying pan into the fire with kids in tow. yes they are now all in their teen years but that makes it all the harder because they are involved in their own lives and to just up and leave would tear them away from what they have worked so hard to build for themselves. If it were just me i would leave in a heartbeat. I have survived on top romin noodles before I can do it again. But the kids would not survive the struggles and limitations having no money would create for them. yes the courts would order him to pay support, but think about it realistically. If the man doesn't see it important to pay the mortgage do you really think he will give me the court ordered support? and the 1,000.00 I get in social security disability would not even rent a one bedroom apartment where I live much less something large enough for three teenagers.  So for now I am  working on my masters degree in counseling while I await employment. Once I have a paid job and can get off ssd and can support the kids and myself realistically we will save up what we can for a deposit on something and possibly a little extra for an emergency and then the kids and I will be on our own. My oldest turns soon and tells me he will not stay with his dad when I leave but he will not come with me either. He has the typical teenager dream of making it on his own so young...I will have a place ready for him to come back when he realizes just how hard it is out there on your own and why I realistically waited to be sure we could survive before leaving....

All that to tell you it probably will NOT get better but possibly worse. You need to choose now if this is acceptable ways for you to be treated and considered or if you want more for yourself. Don't wait like I did trying to make it work, save yourself the time and heart break while you are still young enough to create a new life for yourself. And you did not mention any kids yet, try to avoid that with him until he "gets it" or you have someone else who can cherish you more than his check book.

JMHO
Kat

What is it with CPAs???  My H is also a CPA and I could empathize with everything you ladies posted.  I used to have a credit card that he didn't know about and I would use that for "extras" for the kids, etc.  He found out about it and was furious.  Now I am on a strict allowance, I don't have any credit cards (he runs my credit report to make sure), I work full-time but that doesn't matter to him.  He says that he does this because I am irresponsible with money, but what he calls irresponsibility was me trying to make ends meet...buying clothes for the kids or myself...and I do shop at Kohls, Target and Walmart.

He says he doesn't trust me because I lied to him...I hid the credit card and opened a bank account at a different bank (he found out).  I have a side business where I sell a well known make up.  I was using the bank account to "hide" money so that I could buy stuff for the kids.  If I had put it in the regular account, he would have told me how he wanted me to spend it...and it wouldn't have been on myself or the kids.

When he found out about the credit card, a store credit card and the bank account, he sat down with me and watched as I wrote letters and called to close the accounts. 

I took the kids old clothes and some old toys to a resale shop this weekend.  He was already trying to tell me how to spend the money before I even went.  I got back and told him that I was going to use the money to buy clothes for the kids.  He looks at my checking account, so I'm sure he will check.  He yells at me if I go to the coffee store too much.

He even tries to control how I spend my time...if he sees me on the computer or reading a book he will make a nasty comment.  He claims I am "neglecting" the family...which is ridiculous.

I ended up in the ER a few weeks ago with chest pains.  There was nothing wrong with my heart...my doctor attributed it to anxiety and stress and put me on meds.  That's a whole other issue...I was on meds before but H said I should be able to just "cheer up" and that my doctor was a quack.  He talked me into going to see his doctor...and HIS doctor put me on the meds again.  I wanted to laugh when I told him and saw the look on his face.

I don't check the boards when I'm at home...I'm too afraid he will look up my computer history.

I know I need to leave.  I'm also worried what it does to my kids.

Sorry to have hijacked your post...but I wonder what it is with CPAs and being so controlling.

We need to start a wives of CPA support board...

After I married my husband, I discovered that CPAs have the highest divorce rate. Hum I wonder why (sarcastic of course).

Kat