Domestic Abuse Support

I have been best friends with “Kate” since we were in first grade, we are now in our 30’s.  Two years ago, she had an affair on her husband with a man I will call “John”.   She subsequently divorced her husband and continued this relationship with John.  As the weeks, months, and eventually two years went on, John became what I can only call verbally and emotionally abusive to Kate.  In the past two years, she has been called names by him that I can’t repeat, he has verbally berated her in front of others, and since moving in with him 3 months ago, he has told her to get the “f” out at least twice that I know of, among other things.  On one occasion she had everything packed up, called her uncle and a friend to come over right away and help her move it out, only to move it all back in the next day.  He is a heavy drinker and usually these episodes in which he tells her to move out are after he has been drinking.  He always tells her, after he gets her all worked up, that “he didn’t mean it”.  He even went so far this last time as hiding her purse so she couldn’t leave, AFTER he told her to.  She hid this relationship from a woman who basically is her second mother.  She never tells me of any good times with him….only when things go wrong and she needs advice.  Whenever Kate and John spend time with me and my husband, he is very aloof and goes out of his way not to talk to either of us, and when we try to engage him in conversation, we get one to two word responses.  I have told her in the past that this relationship is not healthy and that she deserves better.  And not only that, but Kate has a 6-year-old son who lives with them that I fear is witnessing all of this.  After this last episode of him telling her to get out, I e-mailed another woman, “Amy” who is very good friends with Kate.  I found that she has a lot of the same concerns, and I think we both realized after comparing stories that the situation is a lot worse than we both thought.  Amy and I made plans to have a “girls night out” with Kate in a couple of weeks.  During that time, we plan to confront (and I use that word for lack of a better one) Kate about our concerns for her safety as we both feel that his verbal and emotional abuse could easily escalate to physical abuse.  Amy and I are trying to be realistic about this….knowing that Kate will probably be upset with us, and that she more than likely isn’t going to just say she agrees and will move out immediately.  What we are more hoping is to express our concerns to her and at least get her to have a safety plan in case something does happen.  We don’t want her to be in a situation where she has no idea what to do.  Any advice on how to go about this?   We love her so much and both Amy and I have said that we would rather say something than not and look back someday wishing we had!  Any advice would be very welcome!

(hugs) your in a tough spot! The biggest piece of advice I can give is to not try and have her choose between him and you two. You will lose and so will she! If she was to choose him it really would have nothing to do with you but it would feel that way to you. If you tell her to choose she is going see it as you being just like him and trying to control her. Put on the spot like that she will choose him because it will feel like everyone wants to control her so why not stay with him? Plus it will hurt her that you say you could walk away form her. He has probably told her things along those lines and you will be proving him right. There is no way you want to prove him right!! Keep listening to her when she wants to talk about what he does and do not offer advice unless she ask but then do not sugar coat things. Let her know what you see and what you wish she would do. Refrain from saying you would leave. Leaving is not as easy as it should be. There are many reasons why we stay but those do not matter in the long run. I have been out for 4 years and still am not 100% sure why I stayed but I no longer care because all that matters is I left!!

Her child is seeing more then anyone will ever know. I am still amazed at times when I find out something my children knew about that was going on. My youngest was three when we left and she still remembers things. I wish her memory was not as good as it is about somethings!! All four of my children are in counseling over the things that went on and so much of what they talk about I thought I protected them from knowing about. My son has had the hardest time with it all. He feels he should have protected me but he was only 9!!

I know I said not to give advice unless asked but I think the girls night out would be a good time to bring it up. Just try and choose what you say carefully so that you don't put her on the defensive. Her first reaction is going to be self protection which will seem like she is protecting him. She could feel like you are attacking her and so she is going to think to protect herself she has to make the things you are saying seem untrue so she will have to to protect him. Do not take anything she says to heart. She is going t o be upset and there is no telling what she will say. Just make sure she knows you are not judging her and just letting her know you and "Kate" are worried about her and are there for her no matter what! That you will help her move out a 100 times if that is what it takes to get her to finally leave (at one point I know it was an average of seven times before someone leaves and stays gone), that no matter what he tries you will always be there for her, and that you love and support her!! You can be true about not liking how he treats her but that you will be there for her no matter what.

Good luck and please let us know how it goes!!

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Domestic Abuse Support ************************