Why am I feeling so crappy about myself now? Things are going good!!! Ok so I am not happy at work because I hate the district manager but I do not have to deal with her that much and my manager defends me to her so its all good. School is going good. I should still be carrying an A in both classes. I am dreading one of the next classes because it is on essay writing and I am no good at those but I refuse to worry about that class till the day it starts! The kids are doing good but I am not!! I have started something with someone new that seems to be going ok but I am upset because he thinks I am a good person! I keep thinking about how I stayed with t hat monster for so long and I now know why I stayed. I knew deep down that he is as sick as he is and I did not want to have to let him have the kids alone for a weekend at a time. I was afraid of what he would do to them. I do not have to worry about this with what he is in jail for but he still managed to hurt my children beyond comprehension and I hate myself for that. I do not understand why they do not hate me. I know it counts for something that they are now safe from him but I did not protect them in enough time. They will carry the scars of him for life and I am so afraid one day they will look at me and say they hate me for not protecting them. I had a nice talk with a friend of mine today and she fully understands were I am coming from but keeps trying to convince me that I am still letting him win and I need to stop. That I am now protecting them. But I do not know how to let go! I do not know how to stop blaming myself.
Wait a minute I think I get it! I was going to say nothing happened on this day or around this time but that is wrong. It was 5 years on Halloween that the sick jerk (oops almost put a naughty word, lol) took himself to the ER claiming he had tried to kill himself by taking a bottle of Erick's pills. He spent 10 days in the hospital over that and I should never have allowed him back in!! Life went from yuck to hell in no time and I have some awful memories of that time! But this has never bothered me before!! I hate when these stupid dates creep out of no where and that I give him power still. It could also be because I am starting something new with someone that may actually have a chance this time. The last 2 times I tried it was pretty much doomed from day one.
