Alcohol, Addictions & Recovery

Welcome, Becky.  I am glad you are seeking outside assistance.  As for the matter of him going to church more than you and acting more "active", this is just the sort of thing they need to know about in order to help him and you.  I had to do this with my mother in the past several years.  It was amazing how snowed she had everyone there...the sad part in that is that her church family did not step up to the plate - though she made it exceptionally difficult by discontinuing her attendance and being generally unavailable (she didn't want to face her issues and be truthful).  This was only one example of course and there are limitations to what a church body can do - and generally speaking more can be done with actual members of a church.  The church I attend is quite large and has many resources and experiences with assisting families in similar situations.    All that aside, my primary experience with addiction/alcoholism has come from my DH.  I would also like to gently suggest that you consider Al-Anon or Nar-Anon in addition to any other counseling you may consider. 

I would also argue against a pp who told you to leave -that is a decision only you can make.  I would absolutely suggest you get a plan together and do be careful and mindful of his behavior/conduct, and absolutely do leave if you are being abused or are threatened in any manner, but would gently suggest that you do not make any major life decisions until you can evaluate with outside counsel what you need - this can and should take some time. 

This may be difficult for you to "listen to", but while he is the one with the addiction/alcoholism, you do have a problem too.  Addiction/alcholism is a family disease.  It makes all of us around them sick too, its just often very difficult for us to see this - some never do because they are too busy looking at the active user in their relationship and never look at or examine their role in the relationship.  I am by no means saying that anything he has done or said is any fault of yours - those things are completely and solely his responsibility to own, however, you do play a role in the cycle of your relationship.  I think you get some of this as you articulated how you have changed...that is what this crazy disease does to us.  It changes us into women (or men) who we can no longer recognize and certainly do not want to be.  We make decisions we would never have made - that is part of how it makes us sick.  Based upon your posts, I will venture to say that you are co-dependent, like all the rest of us are or have been at one time or another;)   There is help available to us to learn to establish and maintain healthy appropriate boundaries that will keep us safe and help us to get back to the people we once were (and if we never were such people, we can still arrive at a new place that is better for us).  The point is to keep the focus on yourself.  Al-anon, Nar-anon, and/or counseling will help you learn how to do this.  None of us can do it alone...just look where it gets us.  You are not alone, so many of us have been exactly where you are, but with a different story.

Take what you like, leave the rest...

Mercy

Thank you so much Mercy for taking the time to respond. I do understand what you are saying. It is a family disease; I have allowed myself to become beaten down by his behavior and control. I realized it at times, I don't know if I was in denial or when I would say something to me he would point out all the good things that he does and has done for me. I then think he has done a lot of nice and helpful things for me and most of the time he does very good.

He is very clingy and needy and that causes a lot of problems in our relationship. He wants me to spend more time with him than I want. I think that come from the last years of verbal and emotional abuse, I guess you just get to the point finally that you don't want to be around that person. I just felt better being alone.

Anyway, I did have a long time with him the other night. Thank God that I had written down his behavior, verbal slurs, intimidation etc., towards me because at first he tried to turn it around on me. I had also printed out information on verbal abuse. It took several hours but he seemed like that he got it, at least for now. He said he didn't realize how bad he was being towards me. He pointed out that I always downplay it and never stand up for myself and tell him how I feel. He is right, I haven't been standing up to him, telling him my true feelings. I don't know if this came from the years with him or my ex, I'm sure it's a combination of both. My ex husband was very abusive in every way imaginable. I tend to fear that if I stand up for myself and it makes him made that he may hurt me or something, I don't even know why. He has never hit me, but the verbal and emotional can be worse for some people. My ex was physically abusive and for some reason I get more afraid of my husband now than my ex.

Your response was very knowledgeable and informative to me, it truly meant a lot. I realize that "You Teach People How To Treat You" and that is what I have been doing. I do plan on seeking counsel whether from AA or Domestic Support or both. He has been trying really hard since we had our talk and I was surprised because most of the things that I pointed out to him, he thought was normal behavior. It didn't surprise me that I first as in the past that it was my fault. I did admit to him, that I have ownership in this also and that I am not perfect nor is my behavior towards him at times. Hopefully, it will work out for the best and I can find myself again.

Becky

You will find yourself - so long as you keep putting in the work to do so  -keep an open mind and be willing;)

As for not wanting to be around them (the active loved-ones) and preferring alone...that is part of the disease that we feel.  I, too, would venture what you are dealing with is as much your history as your present.  Counseling and support from those who have been where you are is invaluable in walking this journey.  I went through a period of time prior to my DH's bottom that I felt completely out of love with him and went so far as to seek a component of my academic program abroad.  While there I didn't care if I ever came home.  I of course still loved him, but was not in love with him...you likely know what I mean.  It took going through a terrible bottom and lots of therapy/counseling to get to the other side, but it was (and is) worth the effort.  Especially for me.  I am now a woman who I want to be, I am no longer co-dependent, and we continue to work on our respective selves.  It is a life-long process with ups and downs, be gentle with yourself.  You have a lot to face and deal with on your own side of the fence.  And just a little fyi, once someone becomes sober, it is still not easy.  Its just the beginning.  So long as you continue on your journey, you/your relationship will have better odds:) ...oh, yes, a point often made on the board, the al-anon/nar-anon support will not break your bank - or limit your sessions based upon your insurance;)

Blessings to you, Becky.  Keep posting here and let us know how we can be of support.

Take what you like, leave the rest...