Alcohol, Addictions & Recovery

Hi to you all,

I have been reading the posts on here and gaining in strength from them. Thank you!

I met what I thought was a lovely man four and a half years ago who I knew drank quite a bit in the evenings. He would go straight to the pub from work rather than going home. He told me this was because he was unhappy in his relationship. We met and dated long distance (different countries) for nearly two years. He told me he wanted to be with me and to have a proper relationship where he would be happy and wouldn't need to drink. I believed him and allowed him to move over to my country and live with me. Up to then we had been seeing each other a couple of weekends a month and him going back to his country. His ex-wife was constantly texting him in the early hours of the morning because she has a drink problem too. She would ring and tell me they had had sex when he was in that country whilst I was over here waiting for him. I didn't believe her because I so badly wanted to believe he was truthful and honest. I later found out that he had taken her out drinking at times and taken her away for weekends whilst I wasn't around.

He moved over to live with me and at first went out a lot of nights drinking sitting in the pub by himself he said and would get angry when I reminded him that he had said he wouldn't drink when he was happy ( I thought he was!), he worked a job and hardly gave me any money towards the upkeep of the house, bills, etc., despite my being single with two children to keep. He would have earned approx £25,000 in the year but by the end of the year had no money in his account.  He had no explanation for this. We fought about this and he went back to his country supposedly to see his children. He told me he'd stayed in B&B's and friends houses. A couple of months later his ex-wife rang and told me he'd stayed with her and they'd slept together. I again didnt believe her and he told me she was lying so when he returned to this country we got back together. He was then out of work for 8 months due to an operation he needed and I looked after him during that time.

Then he got a steady job and the evening drinking stopped but the binge drinking started in its place. He would start drinking and be unable to stop until everything in the house had gone, he would then call me the most foul names and treat me verbally like dirt on his shoe. I would leave him and go to bed but would hear him talking to someone downstairs on the phone. Then when he came to bed I asked who talked to and he said his son. Then his ex-wife would ring and tell me he'd been talking to her etc etc etc.

I put up with this behaviour on five occasions and got over it each time and I begged him each time to get help.He kept saying 'I'll do whatever it takes'. We went to AA once but he said that he wasnt like that drinking all the time etc etc. Six weeks ago it happened again and I just couldn't get past it this time. I told him to go. It tore the heart out of me but it was that or he would have emotionally and psychologically have killed me.

I received a phone call at three am from his ex apologising that he had left me and she did not know why he had done it but that it was nothing to do with her. I didnt bothar to explain that it was me that I ended the relationship or why. I couldn't be bothared with it anymore and was tired of it all.

 I don't think that alcohol was the only issue here, I also think he was a cheat and a liar. He was very good at making me feel that it was all my fault though and I am left with the emotional and psychological damage he has caused. My father and mother were alcoholics. My sister is an alcoholic and my other sister was addicted to drugs. I have a lot of losses in my life and feel that this is just another one but it has hit me hard this time. I am starting counselling soon and have some good friends who are helping me through this.

I too find it difficult that he could put alcohol before me but realise that it is HIS problem and I had to let him go as I was making it easy for him to behave this way by allowing it and accepting it each time. I was never No 1 in his life.

I don't know where he is now and just hope that he finds some kind of peace in his life. However, I doubt it as he has some very deepseated issues which he will not admit to. Therefore I hope he finds another enabler who is stronger than I.

I just have to heal myself now!

Regards

Anamcara1

Welcome and glad you posted here.  Couple things stand out for me in your posts, your hx and your use of the term "enabler".  It appears you are quite aware you played well into his hands given your capacity to tolerate unacceptable behavior (likely due to your hx).  Could I gently encourage you to seek support through Al-anon?  It is a world-wide fellowship of people all dealing with the same things you are that may be able to help you establish and maintain appropriate boundaries (and perhaps keep yourself from falling "prey" to the co-dependent/enabling type relationships).   Don't forego it altogether until you have truly tried with an open mind, willingness, and asking someone to be your sponsor.  Good face-to-face support is what one needs to walk through this.  We can never do this sort of thing alone and do it well - especially when we have a long track record of doing it the "wrong" way.

Your assessment of him is likely spot on, but as you said, not yours to contend with further.  Take care of yourself.  It is often very difficult to see some of this coming as active alcoholics/addicts are typically professionals at deception - they have to be to guard their best "friend" (the booze or what have you)/maintain their using without full discovery.

Hope you hang around a bit;)

Take what you like, leave the rest...

Mercy

Hi Anamcara1,

Please excuse the small print. There is nothing I can do about it. Do you know of ALANON support group for family and friends whose relationship with them is seriously damaged. There local telephone number should be in your your phone book, perhaps under AA. You can, also, try, your county mental and family health office. Stay with us here, too as Missy suggests. Good fortune and stay in touch.

Thank you Mercy and Paul for your replies.

I have taken your advice on board about Al-anon and have found my local meeting place and am attending on Friday night for the first time.

There is only one concern I have. When I go to this meeting, I assume most of the people will still be living with their partners who have problems with alchohol. I am worried that I will learn something at the meetings that will make me feel that I should have stayed in this relationship and tried harder at it.

What do you think?

Colette

HI Colette,

I think you will probably find a mix with both stories to tell. It is ultimately your decision and I don't think it should be based on what others have done = or didn't do. Let me share share this with you. Carol and I just celebrated our 51st wedding anniversary. For the first ten years I was a heavy drinker, an alcoholic. Well, I still am an alcoholic because I have the disease but I am not a drinker. I have been in recovery for over forty-one years. My last drink was on February 22, 1968. What you did was the right decision for you and don't doubt yourself. Continue with ALANON for as long as you think it is helpful, give it a chance. I think you will find it helps. as you found our board to be. As you grow you will be able to help others, too. The reward for that is indescribably good. Good fortune to you, young lady. You are a person of courage.