Alcohol, Addictions & Recovery

Hi, I"ve been drinking heavily over the past few years.  I have hit a few rock bottoms but nothing that has kept me from stopping.  I've tried AA, but it put so much stress on me that it made my triggers even worse, so my then therapist suggested I stop.  My sponsor was a wonderful person, but she was single and I am a working, married mom of 2 and her rules just got harder and harder to follow since being a mom and a wife, things come up and I just had a hard time adhering to her standards.  Anyway, I did attend meeting for a few months.  I felt like an outsider at most of them. Most of the members had been there for years, and it seemed to be very cliquey so I really didn't get much out of them. 

My DH knows I have a problem.  He is wonderful and incredibly supportivce but last night was his last straw.  I had basically drank all weekend long.  Got pitifully drunk at a halloween party, got drunk handing candy out, started drinking after I woke up and just kept on going.  I am what you'd call a functioning alcoholic.  I manage to be "super"mom, be "super" employee, volunteer, but I am running on empty.  Anyway, last night, my DH knew I was smashed and he tore the house apart and found all my "stashes" and confronted me with the empty and partially empty bottles (my drug of choice is vodka) It was awful.  I was so full of shame and just cried, told him I'd stop and went to bed.  I'm a mess.  I am so blessed with a great family, 2 beautiful kids, a great job, good friends.  My drinking is a way to anesthetize myself.  I was molested as a child, and been in and out of therapy throughout the years.  Everyone who sees me from the outside thinks I've got it all going on, but I am just so burned out and tired I don't know what to do.  I am totally running on empty.  I want to quit, I really do.  I managed to be clean for months, so I know I can do it, but I just know AA is NOT a good thing for me.   Are there any other resources I can look in to?  Rehab isn't an option for me either.  And honestly, I don't think I need rehab.  I just need to find a support group that is a little "softer" than AA.  Does anyone know of other programs that may help me out?

I plan on posting here a lot.  I know what my triggers are (after school to dinner time is a tough one for me) so I think if I find other things to keep me preoccupied (besides my kids, dinner and homework) I'll be ok.  My husband doesn't like alcohol, so we don't keep it in the house (unless I buy it and hide it) so there is no temptation here as long as I avoid the liquor store.  I do have all my old AA books, my daily meditation books, etc. so I do plan on getting back to reading them.  Time is something I don't have a lot of so going back to therapy isn't easy either.  I know I need to make the time, but I only have 2 days off during the week and those days are spent taking care of my home and volunteering at my kids schools (I'm a room mom)  My plate is really full and I'd rather just work this out on my own.  I know being sober and staying sober is a lifetime commitment I am willing to make.

I guess I am just looking for a sober buddy.  Someone I can chat or email when I am having a rough time.  If anyone out there would be interested, that would be great.  If you are a working overstressed mom who can relate to my day to day issues, that would be great too. 

Thanks for taking the time to read my post. 

Hugs!

Nikki

I'm sorry you're feeling so desperate, but it's good in a way.  That desperation can give us the desire for sobriety.  You may not like it, but getting and staying successfully sober requires time and effort.  Trust me, very few newcomers to AA like it at first--I surely didn't.  But nothing else worked for me.  I personally think sobriety is worth giving up an hour or two every day in order to learn how to live a healthy happy life. 

Let your husband take charge of the kids in the evenings so you can go to meetings.  Let someone else be room-mom, let the housework go for a while, try for reduced hours at work.  Get a different sponsor if you don't connect with the first one.  It can be done, but it takes effort.  You can't really learn sobriety if you make your sobriety efforts wait until after you've got work, kids, chores, volunteering taken care of first.  I know, I tried it that way and it didn't work.  It's like the instructions we get when we fly to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first before we try to help somebody else.  Now is the time to put your sobriety first.

I'm a divorced mom with two kids at home, working more than 40 hrs per week and get to AA meetings at least 5X a week, I have a sponsor, I have a sponsee, I do service work, I make calls, etc.  Yes, it's a lot, but it's what it takes and it is worth all the effort.  My life is no longer controlled by a bottle and limited by hangovers and shame.  I am free today.

I definitely relate to the struggles you face, but don't recommend you go this alone.  Alcoholism is a very serious disease that can kill you.  It also could cost you custody of your children if you can't stop and don't die.  Don't underestimate how destructive this disease truly is.  

Seek out different AA groups or try your old one again or try Women for Sobriety or both.  Keep reading and writing on this board for help too. 

Thanks for your positive responses and support, and for sharing your experiences with me.  My oldest is almost 12 and I know she is starting to "catch on" to what I'm doing.  I need to be sober for not only me, but for my whole family.  I don't want her to fall into the same desperate hole that I am in now.  That would absolutely kill me. 

I may give one of my old friends from AA a call and see if she will sponsor me.  She is a working mom too and I think maybe we'd be a better fit.  My old sponsor was wonderful but when I didn't call her exactly when she told me to, she would literally yell at me and it made me feel horrible.  I know AA works.  I'll try again and hopefully the timing will be right this time around. 

Hugs and I promise I'll keep reading and posting.  Thanks again for your support!

Nikki

Hello and welcome!

I am glad you are here and can't wait to get to know the sober you. I am Beth, a member of AA and one of the cls here.

I have a husband, two girls and two dogs. I teach and try and juggle life on life's terms. I have to say...it is easier to do that sober!