discussion title: Recovering.Single.Pregnant
I am 22 years old and 16 weeks pregnant. heres the story:
I have been going through a rough patch for the past couple of years. I have struggled with the disease of addiction for about 5 years. In may, I was having a difficult time living in my parents home. My mom is also an alcoholic and had relapsed after 15 years of sobriety. I met the fob through a mutual friend. He knew the situation let me stay in his home. He is ten years older than me and recently went through a tough divorce. During his marriage, he raised his wifes child (she had her son with another man who was not present in the boys life) and the wife no longer lets him see his son. I told myself from the start, I would not get emotionally or sexually involved with this man. Of course it happened. At the time I was drinking daily. We had a good time together and thats all it was supposed to be. We actually began to fall for eachother. My feelings for him grew, but for some reason I had this underlying intuition to keep my guard. In august I became pregnant. I immediately stopped drinking, went in to an outpatient program and began going to meetings. We decided I would move in there permanetly and give it a shot. However, I started noticing some red flags that were around before but ignored them. I knew he smoked pot, however there were other signs of hard drug use. Ive asked him and he swears he doesnt.. I have no way of knowing except for my gut feeling. After thinking everything through and how fast it all happened, I decided to move back to my moms. She is also now in recovery and we have a great relationship. I didnt want to call things off with him, I just wanted some time to get my head together and start preparing for our baby.
Lets just say he doesnt like the idea of me being at my parents while pregnant with his child. I tried to explain to him my situation and how it was only temporary. We havent known eachother that long, i told him lets use this time before the baby is born to figure out if were reallly meant to be together. He said, if I am not living with him he doesnt want to be with me ever. He told me he got used to me being around, I made him happy again& and we should be doing everything together. He said he feels like I am his ex leaving with his child. He cant eat, sleep and is physically throwing up cause I left. He has said to me I am ruining my childs life and messing up his "family." NOW, I never told him I didnt want him to be apart of my life. After the suspicions of drug use on top of only knowing him for a few months, I was trying to put up some healthy boundaries. I am just trying to make the best decisions for me and my baby. He feels I abandoned him. I think hes totally lost his mind.
He said he wants to take care of me and the baby. But after him acting the way he did, I am hesistant to belive him. Since I am young&single its hard not to give in.
Am I doing the right thing? HELP ME
re: Recovering.Single.Pregnantmessage #: 10927.2 in response to 10927.1
Welcome here! First of all, let me compliment you on how well you are taking charge of your life. You are taking on parenthood and recovery all at the same time - and guess what? You are WONDERFUL!!
Please re-read part of your post - your answer lies right there - within you:
Lets just say he doesnt like the idea of me being at my parents while pregnant with his child. I tried to explain to him my situation and how it was only temporary. We havent known eachother that long, i told him lets use this time before the baby is born to figure out if were reallly meant to be together. He said, if I am not living with him he doesnt want to be with me ever. He told me he got used to me being around, I made him happy again& and we should be doing everything together. He said he feels like I am his ex leaving with his child. He cant eat, sleep and is physically throwing up cause I left. He has said to me I am ruining my childs life and messing up his "family." NOW, I never told him I didnt want him to be apart of my life. After the suspicions of drug use on top of only knowing him for a few months, I was trying to put up some healthy boundaries. I am just trying to make the best decisions for me and my baby. He feels I abandoned him. I think hes totally lost his mind.
What about what YOU feel? I cannot think of a man who is being more self-centered and manipulative that he is being right now. Putting up healthy boundaries is not only wise at this point - it is necessary! He is physically throwing up because you left??? Please - he needs to grow up. Please listen to your gut - because you know what you are doing is the right thing!! Even though your mother relapsed, she had 15 years and she is back on track now - I can't think of a better place for you to be until you get things sorted out. So, in answer to your question "are you doing the right thing?" I have to say a resounding YES!!!!! Stay the course. Take care of yourself and your recovery so you can be there for your baby.
God bless, and please keep coming back. I so admire you! ~ Leslie
re: Recovering.Single.Pregnantmessage #: 10927.3 in response to 10927.1
Talk about red flags! It is said that people who are addicted/alcoholic don't have relationships, they take hostages. And that is what I see in his whole spiel about 'it is all about me, please return, I need you.' I didn't see anything about, you are pregnant with a miracle, let me help you.
You are doing the right thing IMHO
re: Recovering.Single.Pregnantmessage #: 10927.4 in response to 10927.1
I think it's pretty astute on his part that he is emotionally reliving his wife leaving him. It is true and it's clouding his experience of what's going on with you now. NONE of that matters because the important fact is that you suspect he's a drug user. Pregnant or not, you would break up with him because of those suspicions.
THAT is the issue, imho. It's not about the fact that you're pregnant or the sad fact that his wife left him and all that. Trust your gut and don't get into all the baby bs with him. If he really wants a relationship with you, maybe ask that you do counseling together or something like that. And just stick to your message about your suspicions about the drug use.
that's my .02
Beth
re: Recovering.Single.Pregnantmessage #: 10927.5 in response to 10927.1
Hugs to you. I am getting back on the wagon, so I am not sure I really have the right to give you my 2 cents, but having been a single mother myself once, I kicked my ex boyfriend out when I was 6 months pg because of all the red flags that popped up (3 weeks before we were suppose to get married) He sounds like a co dependent person, and right now, you need to focus on what is going to be not only best for you, but your baby. You do not want your child to be raised in a toxic home (that's why I kicked my ex out) You need to do what is in the best interest for you and your baby, and I don't think that being around this man is going to be good for either of you. Don't let his threats sway you. He is a grown man. You will have a hard enough time raising one child, never mind two. I would continue to live with you parents, focus on taking care of yourself and your baby, and just try to ignore his threats. It's not easy doing it alone, but it's worth it.
Best of luck to you and just do what you know is your heart what is best for you and your baby.
Hugs,
Nikki
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