Finding Your Best Life

I have been stuck in a serious rut lately, and don't feel like I have many people in my life I can relate to. I moved in with my boyfriend nearly 3 years ago, which was the best choice I made for myself at the time, and have been happy (in many respects) ever since. I have since then moved to different states, and finally ended up settled somewhere for the past year. When I moved in with my boyfriend, we were immediately off to a new state. I left college and work in my home state, and my boyfriend started his nice job in a new place. All was well and good, I got a job, and we lived a normal life. We didn't forge many close ties as we planned on moving to year another state within the year. 8 months later, we moved down here. Since we have lived here, my life has taken a pretty big turn. I had to leave my job and moved here when our economy started to go downward. I have yet to find a job. I planned on starting school, but the fact that I was not a resident made tuition a problem. I feel like I have lost who I am. I am this person I no longer recognize. I play wife to my longtime boyfriend who is good to me, who is 20 and has a really great life ahead of him. I am 22, no finished college degree, no job, no nothing. I feel like I have failed myself, and I feel like the woman who started dating my boyfriend no longer exists, and in that way, I feel like I failed my boyfriend, too.

On most days I am bored to tears, and feeling increasingly hopeless about finding a job. In January I start school again which will make me feel better, and I know it will get me started on feeling positive about being back on track. I just don't know who I am. I am unhappy and paranoid most of the time. I am tired of trying to be suzy homemaker just to make the sting of how much this sucks go away for a little while.

I am happy in my state, happy in my relationship, unhappy with myself. I don't know where to start to try to get myself back. For so long I let school and jobs define who I was, and without that, I was left with nothing to hang on to. I guess I even equated those things to who I was as a person. Now I am left trying to figure out who this person is. I don't even know if I have any hobbies. I no longer know if I am smart or capable. I no longer see how I am worthy as a girlfriend. I just want it to stop. I want to be me again. I want to enjoy things again. But this doesn't happen at the flip of a switch.

I am 22 years old. It's not like my life is over. I'd hardly call this a quarter-life crisis, but I feel lost. I didn't see myself being this person. I am vastly different from who I was 3 years ago, I am unrecognizable. I gained weight, lost my zest for life, lost my ability to even care. I just can't believe I made this bed and I have to lie in it when I didn't even realize what was happening. I see my life as a plane spiraling towards ground just waiting for the inevitable crash. I honestly wait for that "crash" everyday. I am so lost. I don't know what I am looking for...maybe just an ear to listen and advice if you have any.

Sweetie, you're still a baby. You've been through a lot in your short time on Earth. It's normal to feel overwhelmed and unsettled. I'm glad you'll be going back to school in January. Education is so important, especially in these times. What are you going to study? Can you do some volunteer work in that field, or start to study the subject in advance? I'm sure the library will have books you could borrow.

How about going to the gym? Is there a Y close to you? I go to the gym 3X/wk, and I feel so much better afterwards. It's something I do just for me. You sound like a terrific girlfriend, but you have to be just as terrific to yourself.

{{{HUGS}}}

Hi Sincerelyme,

I am so glad that April29th's reply to you was so helpful! You are sounding more confident and happier in this post than in your original post.

Maybe you can look for a gym buddy at your gym ~ that would help you get on track with getting back in shape and maybe also get to know someone. Volunteering is a superb idea as it will foster a win-win-win situation for you and the cause you would be working for. When you volunteer you'll be helping a cause close to your heart, and this will also be a place where you could potentially meet friends who share some of the same interests that you have. Moreover, volunteering will help you regain your self-confidence and your sense of self. If you volunteer and go to the gym on a regular, scheduled basis it will also help you stay focused on the things that you want and need to do, and lessen the feeling of being lost. As for studying in advance, that is also a great idea.

You've got a life full of things to look forward to, Sincerelyme - this is just a speed bump. It might feel like a huge hole, but what if you make this into an opportunity to get acquainted with yourself so that whatever situation you find yourself in in the future - whether good or bad - you will always know who you are, what your values are, and where you want to go.