Child-Free by Choice

I think I am losing my mind!  I need to know why I feel this way, when it's supposed to be natural or something for a woman to want children.  I don't.  Never have.  Give me a baby animal and I melt.  Give me a baby human and it makes me angry and uncomfortable.  I know it has something to do with how I grew up, probably anyway.  Parents made me feel resented everyday.  Anyway, I feel so frustrated!  I work in a para-military setting, and the Chief got a wild hair to mix things up a little to- I don't know- prove something or that crap and where I was set to bid would have landed me on dayshift all year.  I DO NOT function well on night shift.  I SHOULD NOT have to work nights with my seniority.  But I got screwed.

Lately, my DH has been bringing up the fact I am 36, he will be turning 36, and we have no children.  We've been together for 18 years.  He cheated on me year 3, then again 3 years ago so therein lies even more issues!  (I am so angry right now) "Maybe we should start thinking about having children" , "wouldn't children be great" and whatever else crap he thinks I should hear.  The mere thought of children raises my BP into hypertensive levels.  They ruin everything; the body, the mind, the pocketbook, freedom...

But here is what has got me on overload.  I am thinking about screwing over my department just the same as they screwed me by having a stupid kid.  (I know.  But thats how desperate people think)  It will take me out almost a year and hopefully get it straight this "idea" was BS and I will be able to bid where I deserve.  And DH can have his stupid wish.  And I will still be unhappy.

Someone....sense please.  Great,  Now I'm crying.

Welcome to the board. I'm sorry that you've come here under such distressing circumstances.

I am taking your post as venting because it sounds like you know how ridiculous it would be to have a baby to make a point to your employer. I mean, in all practicality, it would be close to a year before you would be able to go on maternity leave anyway, assuming you got pregnant right away. LOL

In all seriousness, have you sought counseling? Between the issues with your work and the issues with your husband, I would think that you could benefit from some individual counseling or marriage counseling with your husband.

Was remaining child-free something that you and your DH had previously agreed on? If you haven't talked about it before, now is the time to tell him point-blank that you don't want kids. If he has been assuming for 18 years that you would one day have children together, you need to set him straight ASAP, before you further damage your relationship or your own psyche.

I hope that venting here helped and you get things sorted out soon. Let us know how you are doing.

RoseAnn

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry for all that you are going through.  Sometimes people have a bad working life, sometimes a bad home life, but you always hope that the other is going to that "break" that you need away from the one that's bringing you down.  I'm so sorry you're having no "good" ones recently.

When you and DH got married, was he aware that you didn't want kids?  Has he always wanted them, or has he just recently changed his mind?  Unfortunately this isn't really an issue that most couples can compromise on.  You giving in to screw over your company could backfire and your giving into DH is just not right to you.  There are obviously other issues going on, as you've mentioned.  If he knows you don't want kids, why do you think he keeps bringing it up lately?  Do you think he's trying to pressure you?  I have a friend who has been CF and she and her husband did not want kids.  Now suddenly she does and he still does not.  She brings it up from time to time to remind him to think about it, and I wonder if he feels he's being pressured.  How is your communication with DH?  Do you think you can sit down and really tell him how you feel about being a parent, or do you think he'll just ignore your concerns and comments?

My company is not really a company in that the only thing we procure is criminals, and don't sell anything, except maybe our souls...  So my getting pregnant would pull me off the street as soon as they found out and they would likely want me working day hours to fill a "customer service" position.

My DH and I were 17 when we got together, 23 when we wed.  The idea of children was still just an idea back then; something we imagined half-heartedly just as we imagined turning 30.  "Deal with it when it happens", though he knew after we terminated an early pregnancy after I was in a serious accident at 20 (then 5 surgeries later I was informed) that I wasn't ready for kids then, maybe someday.  I thought the non-maternal feelings I had would go away.  DH was always on the fence, and the more nieces and nephews we had the more into kids he became.  Me--just the opposite.  I truly cannot stand some of them.

After I found out about an inappropriate relationship (he denies more than 1 kiss) between DH and someone he met on the job, he asked me for a divorce.  Few days later, he set us up for counseling.  Trouble is the counselor had no idea I was even there and focused on him and his family.  This wasn't the first time we tried seeing someone, and it certainly wasn't the first time anything I was feeling was disregarded.  If my employer found out how depressed I am, I may be deemed unfit for duty and would lose my job.  No one wants depression to have easy access to weaponry.  I don't contemplate suicide; just not feeling.  As much as I feel failure right now, I doubt I would be good at that either!  Besides, I have many four-legged friends that need me and I wouldn't leave them for anything.

I admit my last post was more angry than I feel now, but it wasn't said in haste.  It is something I think about constantly.  People at work pursposely do things to others to make chaos, from spreading rumors to taking a shift bid they know other people need when they don't.  I also admit I don't like working there anymore, but nothing is available in that profession right now near my current life.  Leaving can't be an option.  I guess my post was to try to read in black and white how messed up I feel, and others will tell me there is hope.  This "plan" of mine served as slight relief in that I felt I had some control back.  However distorted that control is...

DH knows how stressed I am at work, and knows I deal daily with what he did to me.  He told me after asking for the divorce the girl he was seeing had kids, and the life he wanted.  I have no recourse but to feel obligated now since I stayed with him.  I often hear women who said they didn't want kids or were put into motherhood without being ready they changed as soon as they gave birth.  I guess I wonder if that will happen to me and cry thinking if the way I feel now will only get worse after.  I have never been this wishwashy about anything in my life before and hate that I have let any of this get to me.  Working without ever seeing the sun takes its toll and doesn't help an already sad soul.

I need a soothsayer, a fairy godmother, or a valium; something. 

<I need a soothsayer, a fairy godmother,> I think we all feel that way sometimes!

It sounds like you could really stand a serious look at changing careers. If your current employment is bringing you more stress and heartache than personal satisfaction, maybe it's time to move on. Is there another career that you've ever considered? Could you take classes on the side to explore other interests? Is there anything you excel at that you could turn into a business?

If the counselor you went to didn't feel compatible to you and your needs, find another one! I have been to both individual and couples counseling and can attest to the fact that it's only helpful if you are comfortable with the person you are sharing with and feel that they have your best interests at heart. Keep trying different counselors; ask a trusted friend or your doctor for a recommendation. Don't let one (or two) bad experiences keep you from getting the support and guidance you need!

Having kids because you think that's what's expected/normal/required to save your relationship is a huge gamble. You may end up falling in love with your child and unable to imagine life without them. However, there is also the possibility that you would still not want to be a mother, although a person now exists who needs exactly that from you. The biggest loser in that scenario would not be you, or your husband, or your employer; it would be the innocent child that you have brought into the world only to resent. Kids pick up on those negative feelings and it can cause lifelong damage to a child to know that their parent(s) are not fully satisfied with their choice to reproduce.

I sincerely hope that you find a way to be happier in your life. When you are unhappy with several aspects of your life, even day-to-day life starts to feel like a chore.

RoseAnn