Depression Support

I am a 48 year old woman who has had minor problems with depression my entire adult life.  Normally, I can take an anti-depressant and be ok but lately it's tougher.  There are several things I think are contributing to this and just really need to get them out.

First of all, my marriage is very hollow.  I do not love my husband.  He's an okay guy but has some issues of his own.  He is trying very hard and is seeking counseling for those problems.  I can see a very tiny amount of progress and I appreciate his going but it's not going to make me love him.  I really want out but can't afford it. My husband knows this but just insists that I eat supper with him or give him a hug or spend some time with him.  I really just don't want to be around him.  He annoys me. Oh and sometimes he just out of the blue asks if I love him.  Now how am I supposed to respond to that?  I've told him how I feel but I don't want to constantly hurt him by having to tell him "no, I don't love you" and I don't want to lie to him by saying "of course I love you".  He has slept in a different room for over 5 years now and as soon as he finishes his supper instead of sitting down and watching tv with me, he goes to his room.  So, I'm very confused because he says he wants to be with me but then he uses every opportunity to be away from me.  I know he's confused too.  I've lived with this part of my depression for a very long time but the problems seem to be more magnified now than in the past.  Of course, in the past, our kids lived at home and we could at least be civil for them, now we just don't interact much at all.  It's very, very lonely. 

Next, I can't seem to get my career on track.  Nine years ago, I quit full time work as a mid-level manager in a very large manufacturing facility.  I have now earned my MBA with an additional concentration in accounting.  My desire is to teach business and/or accounting at the college level.  I do this on a part-time basis but without a doctorate most universities won't hire me full-time.  Community colleges will but the ones in my area have a hiring freeze on at the time.  Plus, the full-time faculty members are all very content and no one will be retiring any time soon.  Without a full-time job, I can't get out of my marriage.  Also, without the full-time job, I can't afford to get the doctorate needed.  I love working flexible hours and really do not want to go back to 8 - 5 (even if I could find a job, which in the current market, I can't).  Currently, I have 3 part-time jobs and work well over 40 hours a week but only earn around 18,000 a year.

And the most recent problem and the one that is causing all the tears.  I believe that I have a gift of working with teens as a church youth volunteer.  Recently, I served as a volunteer youth director for 1 1/2 years while our church searched for a permanent one.  Once we hired a permanent youth director, I went back to my role as the group mom and adult chaperone.  I absolutely loved this role. My children have long since moved out of this group but I remained on because I really loved it and felt that I was a positive influence on the kids. I love those kids as if they were my nieces and nephews.  I would spend on average 10 - 15 hours a week working with them.  Then our church was assigned a new pastor.  For some reason, he decided he didn't want me in this role.  During our second conversation, he put his finger in my face and called me a liar.  He then proceeded to scream at me like a 4 year old pitching a temper tantrum. I honestly have no idea what caused any of this. One of my former youth (she's in college now) witnessed this and told our pastor-parish relations committee that it was like watching me be raped and her not being able to do anything about it.  The end result of this was I felt it best to leave my church of over 30 years.  I felt it was best for those youth not to have to witness the conflict that was there between the pastor and I.  I also couldn't worship with a pastor that made it clear he didn't want me in the church.  Looking back, I feel like my church has abandoned me - only one set of the parents of those youth have reached out to me - that hurts.  I miss those kids - I feel like I've abandoned them.  I pray that they aren't angry with me - some have talked to me since but others just ignore my phone calls or facebook messages to them.  I'm also trying to find another church but everytime I go into a worship service, I cry.  My parents, my husband, my daughter and her husband all left that church with me and I feel this pressure to find a new church because they want a new church home but want me to make the decision as to where.  I am not in any shape to make that decision - I honestly just want someone to tell me "we are going to go here" and just go.  I believe that God has given me a talent with teens and I believe that he expects me to use this gift and am waiting on him to show me what he wants me to do next.  I'm running out of patience.  In my head, I know  I'm not ready to go back into this work but I also know that I feel very good while I'm serving with them and I want that positive feeling back.

I am currently taking Cymbalta and wonder if I need new medicine.  I have both a med doctor and a therapist appt on Thurs and hope to get some guidance from them.  Plus, I believe that some of this is hormone related.  I know that when I have PMS the tears are much worse.  I think I may be entering menopause and that may have something to do with this.

I'm a mess right now and can use any words of support or encouragement that you may have to offer.  I could also use any prayers you may be able to offer.

Thanks so much.

Lia

tobylady, I am 56 and have been treated for depression and bipolar disorder on and off for almost 30 years, so I know how you feel.  You can feel depressed and get the weepies even when you have a good treatment team.  Usually when I can't stop crying I know I'm in a down cycle and need extra help.  Yes, I do think it would be a good idea to review your medication.  Sometimes (actually quite often) they stop working after a while and you really need a change.

One thing that really stood out for me in your post is that you feel responsible for finding a new church for so many people in your family.  You can only find the right church for yourself; the others are adults and if they want to find a new church, let them make their own decisions.  Even if you did decide, the church you find may not be right for them at all.  People like us with depression always feel guilty and responsible, but we have to realize that we cannot control what other people do, even family.  People change churches all the time; I have.  I'm currently in a church I love and have been going for 7 years and they know all about my depression.  Remember that churches are filled with people who are as flawed as the rest of us.  However, what your pastor did was inexcusable, and believe me that if he does that to enough people he will be out of a job.

About your marriage, I can't advise except to say that most marriages go through times when the feelings of love are just not there; people you think are happily married are often putting on a brave face, so you are not alone.  You didn't mention marriage counseling; do you think that would help?

Please keep writing.  This is a good board and it helps a lot to vent.

Deb

Thank you for your words of support and encouragement.  You are right there are ups and downs and those of us with depression feel those down times more deeply than others.  The problems in my marriage are not a part of that - I've dealt with my husbands issues for so long that I let go a long time ago.  I did this in order to protect myself.  Emotionally, I just couldn't ride that roller coaster any longer and had to quit loving.  I care for him as a human being and as the father of my kids but not as a wife.  The hard part is simply having to continue to share a house with him.

You are also right, I should not have the responsibility of finding a church for everyone; however, it is important to me that we attend church together.  As I child and teen, I attended alone.  My parents only recently began attending.  I truly enjoyed having this in common with them, attending church dinners, programs, etc.  Also, they all left because of me and my conflict with the pastor.  My parents seem to think that because I'm the one that was hurt that it would be best for me to be the one to select the new one.  I've tried to explain to them that I really don't care at this point - I just want to go somewhere and quit going here one week and there the next. 

I do realize that my former church members are people with very busy lives and I think that they just don't realize how much this has hurt me.  I have heard from several of the older people and that means so much to me but it hurts that the ones that I've raised my children with have just totally ignored this.

I haven't been on the Cymbalta too long about 5 or 6 months I think.  Usually, it takes a few years before I become tolerant and need to change.  So it will be interesting to see what the doc has to say.  My oldest daughter is a pyschiatric physician assistant and I plan to talk with her on Sunday to see if she has any suggestions about medication before I go to the doc.  She's the one that suggested I switch to Cymbalta because I just had no energy at all on the Lexapro.  I really wonder if there is one that works better for hormonal related depression.  I'm also going to ask her that and then talk with the doc as well.

Again, than you for reminding me of the things I already know.  It does help tremendously to have someone else say them though.  It's reaffirming.

Thanks.