Depression Support

Hi. Long time lurker, first time poster. But since depression is almost impossible to accurately describe to someone who hasn't experienced it, I need advise from people who know exactly how brutal it really is.

I think I have always been an especially sensative person, and I tend to sponge the emotions of people and places and take them on as my own. But I was only diagnosed with severe clinical depression about 3 years ago. I havebeen on more meds that I can even name...some with awful side effects and some as useless as flintstones vitamins. I've been very committed to therapy and I do think I have learned a lot about negative thought processes and how to change them.

I am physically healthy, have a husband and family who love me, a roof over my head and a dead-end job...which is still a job!

But, what started as a fear has really turned into an awful truth - I am somehow unfixably faulty. I don't deserve all the good I have been given. And I can seriously say, as much as I can't stand thinking about the pain I will cause them, the people in my life would be so much better off without me. I am not a bad person...I am just a waste of breath and space and energy.

I can't be fixed. My soul is just....empty. I am always sad and I'm wondering.....how long does a person just float on the empty horizon before that take the decision into their own hands?

I am not a child. I just truly think I have wasted every opportunity I have been given and that there is some unfixable, unsavable part of me...and I am just so tired. Of what I am causing my family to go through, of how I feel every single day.

I feel like I have always known that suicide is the answer. It's like I have already read the ending of the book and have just been wasting time. So when do I just listen to my own heart? I know that supporting this is so incredibly not PC...but can anyone give me their hones opinion?

I am sooooooo sorry for the rambling!!!

You say that you keep thinking about how long can you continue to put your family through this, they deserve better, etc.  Don't you think it would hurt your family more if you followed through with this.  They deserve to not have to deal with guilt and they would feel some guilt if you committed suicide.  Why would you want to put them through that?  I've been depressed for many years and I've given it some thought a time or two but I would never want my children or my husband (who I really don't love) or my parents through grieving for me and through the doubting they would do of themselves.  They would always wonder if they did enough or could they have done something else.  So what you are saying does not make any sense to me at all.  Suicide would not be the best thing for them!

I strongly suggest that you speak to a suicide hotline as soon as possible and then make an appointment with your doctor and your therapist for as soon as possible as well.  You may need a medication adjustment or to try a different therapist that uses a different technique.

I wish you a lot of success in your treatment plan and please let us know how you are doing.

I absolutely agree; in fact, what has kept me here is the pain and grief my family would go through. They would never recover. They are sensative and loving and they will blame themselves. I will be then empty fourth chair at the table for the reat of their lives.

ANYWAY, more than anything I don't want to hurt thrm. But back to my original point, do I continue this feeling of just getting by snd  and always this stupid sadness or trust my gut, the "voice" telling me it's really time to just go? 

I know I am being soooooo dramatic, but who else can I possibly ask?

You are right - you can't continue like this BUT you are also right that your family shouldn't have to grieve your loss.  I would strongly suggest that you find a different therapist or be truly open and honest with the current one.  I doubt you've really discussed this with your therapist and you should.  You aren't giving them a fair chance to help.  It's sort of like calling a plumber to fix an electrical problem.  If they don't know the real problem, they can't be expected to fix it.  You may need to change therapists.  You probably also need to talk to a doctor regarding medication - you may need some sort of a change.

Personally, I find I do better with a therapist that makes me get more actively involved in my recovery.  Just sitting in a room every week or so and whining about my life doesn't help.  I need someone that actually holds me accountable for my actions - such as insisting that before my next appt, I call a friend and do something.  Then during my next appt, I'm asked about it.  I've had a therapist that actually assigned me to read a book and write down my thoughts on it.  These types of things make me feel a little bit more in control.  So if you decide to look for a new one - ask lots of questions about their methods.

Have a good day tomorrow.

If you are in danger, please seek help immediately by calling 911, your local authorities, or the Suicide Hotline, 1-800-273-TALK.

I agree with tobylady, I have lost a family member to suicide myself, and I've seen the hell it's been on her immediate family.  I cannot believe that they would be better off without you. 

Please, if you feel you are a danger to yourself, seek help.  Go to the emergency room, talk with a doctor or trusted friend.  Please feel free to visit our Suicidal Thoughts & Feelings board as well, many of the members there have felt the way you are now and they would be happy to share with you what has helped them.