Ajamarie, I completely and totally relate to what you are going through. I also have endo and I was a big endometrioma producer (as my doctors stated). I have had 6 laparoscopies - 5 for endo, and 1 was a GIFT procedure, similar to IVF, but not quite. I also was on clomid and did regular artificial inseminations and then intrauterine inseminations, the latter which were painful. I then graduated to shots of Pergonal, and HCG. At the time I was going through it at least 4 of my friends were pregnant, and I felt terrible. I was frustrated, depressed and tense a lot of the time.
Some things I learned along the way:
1. Your feelings are totally valid! It is hugely important that you share your feelings with others going through this, as you are doing now. Having this board is great and it is important you are sharing. You can't lock your feelings inside as it will create more stress for you on all levels.
2. Don't give up hope!!!!!! Many, many women are helped by the treatments for endo, and many women do conceive and do have children. Things happen for a reason, so right now it may not be your time, but it quite possibly could be after you go through surgery. Take it one day at a time, and breathe.
3. Remember your body is a finely tuned instrument, and try to relax, especially if you are trying to get pregnant. I hated it when people told me to do that, but it is true. The more stress you are under, the more it will whack out your hormones and the drugs the MDs are administering. Take time to enjoy a walk, swim, journal, and enjoy the other components of your life --friends, family, hobbies etc. It is very easy to get caught up in the whole medical component of endo and infertility - drugs, surgeries, procedures -,but when it gets to the point of being a primary focus, more stress will occur. Breathe.
4.Whatever you do, try not to beat yourself up about having endo. This is not to say you are doing so, but it is possible to do so, and I did it. I compared and contrasted myself against my women friends who were pregnant, and even those who weren't but had painfree periods. In the end this just created aggravation for me, and re-enforced the feelings I had of being a failure as a woman. Eventually I came to terms with it, and accepted that every one is different, and they had problems too --just different ones.
5. As I mentioned, many of my girlfriends were pregnant while I was going through all of this. In fact it seemed that everyone was pregnant at that time -strangers, colleagues at work, plus my friends. Nothing like having a reminder in my face all the time. BUT, try to separate your issues from theirs. This is very hard to do and it took a lot of will on my part to do it. It was a survival mechanism for me and a choice. I honored them and celebrated their joy by going to baby showers, visiting them at the hospital, etc. Sometimes I cried afterwards, and sometimes I didn't, but I made the effort. It was the right thing to do.
Good luck on your surgery, which I am sure you will have. And take it one day at a time.
Mystic
