discussion title: Too much too fast.....
I have not posted anything like this before. I'm 27 years old, I have a 25 year old brother. We are very close to our Dad, 58. On Aug 10/09 our Dad was diagnosed with kidney and liver cancer. Lesions were also found on his brain and bones. He quickly deteriorated physically and mentally due to both the high doses of pain meds and the progression of the cancer. He underwent several (5) chemo sessions before being told 2 weeks ago that treatment was going to be stopped as it was not being effective. It was and continues to be almost unbearable to watch him as not even 6 months ago he was his old able and indepenant self. Within the past week I watched as he was first unable to hold a conversation, then unable to walk, then unable to communicate at all. I can't even imagine what must have been going through his head these past 2 1/2 months. Through it all, he did not complain, not even once. He is so strong and I admire him more now than ever. I feel physically ill these past couple of days since Dad has taken a turn for the worse - this is so hard to watch and go through. 5 days ago he was unable to get out of bed and was very confused and disoriented. He was admitted to the Palliative Care ward at a local hospital. The staff and doctors here have been nothing short of amazing. So now I'm lying here on a foldout cot in my Dads hospital room, listening to him struggle to breathe, and me trying to get my head around everything that's happened in the past 7 months. And trying to figure out how I'm going to get through everything that is ahead in the very near future. I was lucky to be able to tell my Dad about 2 months before he was diagnosed that he was going to be a grandpa for the first time - he was so excited when I told him that my girlfriend is pregnant and we're expecting our first son to be born at the end of December. It's ripping me apart inside thinking about how my dad is never going to see his first grandchild, and how my son will never know his grandpa. My Dad has been sleeping / unconcious for 2 full days now. He is only receiving pain meds and is unresponsive. I don't know what to do anymore; I feel like I'm going to alltogether lose it. I was and am freaked out enough about having a baby, now my dad is going to be dead in the next few hours or days??? WTF is that???? I need him now and he's being taken away from me and the entire family?? Who am I going to ask about stuff?? It feels like the family is now just sitting here with him, waiting for him to die. I'm sorry this is so long and jumbled up, I just had to get all this out somewhere. Thanks.
re: Too much too fast.....message #: 3497.2 in response to 3497.1
I am so sorry about your father, your post brought me to tears...
Unfortunately, there's no easy way to get through this. You have to deal with your emotions as they arise, and please please do your best to take care of yourself physically through everything. You may not feel like eating and/or be unable to sleep, & you certainly don't want to make yourself physically sick on top of your grief. Look to your family for support right now, it's a very good time to lean on each other. It's amazing the perspective that tragedy brings to the importance of family.. I lost my mom last year and have never been closer to my siblings, step-dad, and grandmother as I have been since. I'm not sure your spiritual beliefs, but I believe very much that your father will still be with you after he passes. My fiance's recent Cancer diagnosis has left me "talking" to my mom quite often..I still ask her things and talk to her .. despite the fact that I can no longer receive a response, in an odd way it comforts me.. You & your family will be in my prayers..
re: Too much too fast.....message #: 3497.3 in response to 3497.1
I am so sad for you. And I can certainly relate to your pain. I lost my dad several years ago to cancer and I had always been a daddy's girl. To see him so very sick was devastating and extremely painful. It is hard to imagine now, but you WILL survive this. It's going to be tough in the beginning, but those memories that now cause you to cry will one day cause you to smile. I used to dream of my dad and I'd awake crying. Now I wake up from one of those dreams and I'm so thankful that I could see him and hear his voice. It fills me with warmth.
It is true that he will NEVER leave you. Just be open to signs that he's there, watching over you. It could be in the whisper of the wind or it could be something familiar that you recognize as being a special place or thing. For me, I looked up at the sky one night through my bedroom window and I saw the brightest star. Immediately the thought came to mind that that was my dad up there. I still see that star yet today - just as bright and always in the same place.
We're here for you any time you need us. It's okay to vent, to cry, to feel angry. Let us know how you're getting on, okay? You'll be in my closest thoughts and in my prayers.
Wishing you a moment of peace ~
re: Too much too fast.....message #: 3497.4 in response to 3497.1
I'm so very sorry about your Dad, I wish that I could use some sort of magic wand to take away the grief you're experiencing.
I can empathize with the feeling physically ill. My sister, who suffered strokes back in '04, went into congestive heart failure in May '08. Not even two months later, my Dad was dx'd with colon cancer. My family was hit with a double whammy there, and I didn't think that I could function ever again.
Dad went through chemo, radiation, and more chemo. My sister slowly became weaker. After Christmas she became very ill, and sadly, never recovered -- she passed away in January.
I still cry... it's still sometimes so very fresh.
This may sound lame to some, but hopefully not to you. Take comfort in knowing that Dad knows about the baby. While it's definitely not the same as him actually holding the little one after he or she is born, your Dad will know all about your precious bundle.
I'm glad that you found us, though sorry that you needed to do so. Please know that this is a great place to share, vent, cry...
I wish you peace. I assure you, you will eventually find it, though it will take time.
Vida
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