Cancer: Friends & Family Support

Hello All

What I am about to write down here is probably going to make me look like the nastiest piece of work on the planet, that's OK, that's pretty much how I feel about myself right now, but I just need to get this out there...  I've tried counselling (did not work) I've tried hunting down people on the net who are in the same position as me (can't find anyone) and I think those two factors just make things worse...

As a run down, After dating my boyfriend for 9 months I ended the relationship, because, although he is a lovely lovely man, treats me like a queen and loved me more than life itself, I just couldn't cope with his constant neediness, clingingness, panic driven texts and calls.  For an example, to give you a better understanding, this is a man that would do anything for me, cook dinner, clean the house, sort my wreck of a garden, run baths candle lit with soft music and wine and then give me a massage after, buys me endless presents and puts on amazing surprises, days and weekends out, buys me beautiful clothes, the guy is most womens dreams... But, by the time we had broken up I was a nervous wreck, because no guy is perfect right??!!  9 months into the relationship I was sending 2000 texts a month to him, even though we work in the same building and would spend all weekend together...  The reason?  He would bombard me every single minute that we werent physically next to eachother with texts, if I didn;t reply within a couple of minutes I'd start getting panicking texts, or worse crappy phone calls asking what was wrong, why didn;t I reply, what was I doing etc etc, I got the same response if I sent a text without a x on the end.  Every day he'd talk about us having children, living together etc etc..  When we were together he would constantly hold my hand, if we were sitting he'd practically be on my lap, all entwined with each other...  I had absolutely no personal space at all... On the odd occasion that I'd go out with my friends I'd get bombarded again with messages to the point that I'd never enjoy myself because my friends would get the hump with me (and rightly so) for constantly texting, but if I didn't then I'd have to deal with the tantrums from him.  I tried to talk to him about it but got nowhere, and in the end I called it a day...  It was very hard, one of the hardest things I had to do, I missed him loads and felt terribly guilty and it was awful and difficult because we work in the same building, he's a very popular person and I felt that everyone would hate me (although they didnt).  Then, after a while we started talking again, he realised that he had been a bit of a loony and pushed me away, and even checked himself into counselling to sort out his issues, he seemed to change a lot, and we were getting on so well as friends again... He asked if we could start seeing eachother, and in the end I agreed to start from the beginning, just see eachother once a week, because the new changes had to be a permanent thing...  Things were good for a month and then BANG!!!

He had been ill with urine infections a few months prior, because his PSA levels were high and he's already had STI tests ruled out the doctors decided to just check his prostate to check nothing nasty was going on there.  We went together for the results, what happened next I never suspected.  I thought they'd just say infection, turns out, he has cancer of the prostate, lucky they caught it early, it is completely treatable by having the prostate removed, but here's the double whammy the surgery which would need to be performed in 6 months or less will leave him infertile, and possibly impotent.  That he could freeze sperm but basically there was little to no chance of us conceiving naturally (not that we were in a place in our relationship where that would be sensible anyway).  Basically I fell apart.  He has dealt with the whole thing exeptionally well, and on the whole been very strong, but I just cant cope anymore.  The cancer diagnosis was about 3 months ago now... I am so trying to do the right things, but I feel petrified and stuck in a relationship I'm not sure I want to commit to, and even if we could of made if before all this, I'm not sure we can now...  I feel absolutely disgusted with myself for panicking about spending my life with a guy that after the op I may never be able to have sex with again.  I dont want IVF forced upon me, and although we both desperately want kids, it's not something I can do right now (although I know deep down he'd like me to try) I cant even cope with myself, him and the cancer, let alone pregnancy.  But I know by refusing to try now, my only options for having biological children with him will be through a painful IVF process.  He is in his mid 40's, I am in my mid 30's, so it's not like I have all the time in the world to be faffing about either.  I'm so depressed, my best friend says that he cant bare to see me draining away anymore, and that he cant believe he cant see how much this is killing me and that if he really loved me he'd let me go, rather than put me through all this.  My sex drive has gone, it's the last thing I want, but obviously with my partner facing the possibility of never having sex again after the op, obviously he wants it all the time... The whole thing is such a mess, I just cant cope anymore, and to top it off, some of his old behavioural patterns that caused the split in the first place are starting to rear their head again.  I just want the world to stop spinning so that I can get off :O(   I'm sure it would help if I could find someone who was in the same position, but there just doesn't seem to be anyone.  I'm guessing this either means I really am the selfish heartless cow I feel I am and not just getting on with it like everyone else does.... Or everyone else who has just got together with someone when this happens automatically break up.  Prostate cancer is hard enough to find support for, because it usually hits men in their later years, when they've already had children, and may be having problems sexually anyway, so not that I am taking the situation any lighter for them, I guess maybe it's a little easier to deal with, or at the very least, at least have people to talk to that are in the same boat.

This has been a marathon post, I am sorry, I dont expect people will have the time to read all this, I just needed to get it off my chest, and hoping someone out there might be in a similar position and see this.

Xx

I'm sorry you aren't able to find something to help you through all this.  Cancer is just awful and you add the others?  Well it just is a lot for a person to deal with.

I can understand quite a bit of your post.  My husband was diagnosed in November 2008 with Leukemia.  We found out a couple weeks later that his Vasectomy reversal failed but children were wanted by both of us.  He was 56 at that time, I had just turned 25.  So we had a testicular biopsy and froze the sperm they found (1.1 million).  We were told post chemo he would probably be sterile so that was our only option if we wanted kids.  Fast forward to the begin of treatment.  He lost all sexual interest.  It just wasn't something he wanted.  I stuck by him and the lack of sex was hard!  But I knew in the end it would be worth it.  I loved knowing I was with him and we had a future together and I was willing to sacrifice what ever it was because he was worth everything to me.  We had planned on when he finished the treatment we'd do IVF (the only way we could have kids) and go on with our life.  Well you can see from my siggy that all has changed.

Is there anyway you can step away from all the emotions right now and find what it is you really want?  Make sure he does freeze the sperm just in case whether you all stay together or not.  Because it can't be changed later on more than likely.  Then evaluate what you want.  Do you really see yourself with him irregardless?  Only you can answer these questions.  Don't feel like you have to stay just because he has cancer.  You need to make sure its something you are willing to deal with.  You aren't selfish if you don't stay.  It isn't fair to either of you to stay in a relationship that doesn't have a future (if that's what it is) because someone else out there may be willing to be involved.  Or can't have kids themselves so they see adoption as an option, etc.  Plus you never know what may be.

I know you said you tried counseling.  SOunds like that one didn't work.  Have you tried to find someone else?  Sometimes its not good until you find the right one which may take a bit. 

Oh, Honey...

Look this may not help but i thougth I had to reach out to you.

Im divorced, well on the 17th its final.  I stood by my x for the very frist moment untel HE walked away for him family. He had oral cancer and lost 60% of his tongue that thankfuly was reconstructed and looks great. He speech is perfect and he has no prob eating . He is great that way. In hospital there was a stupid nurse and an horror of a family(his) he almost died and I was the one who found his purple! I stayed in ICU with his for 18 days while he was in a coma and when he came out i was right there. His family aka The Horror thought that they not I should be making all the med decisions even though they played little or no part in his life prier to this cancer news.  We where Married for 11 years and together for 20 years total. We have now 9 year old Twins and they didnt know if his Mother was there Aunt or there Grandmother thats how little they had to do with us. So as u cant guess this didnt go so well. They called the hospital and told them that i was" Tring to KILL my Husband for the Ins Money!" Im not sure if u know this or not but they have to investgate. That means I cant be alone with my Husbad untell they say so...... long sad story short i brought him home cared for him with ever once of love i have ever had. I went to ever Drs visit sat next to him though ever cemo i never left his side NEVER!  And 3 weeks after his last cemo he told me that I was wrong and his family was right and that they didnt even owe me a simple Im sorry.  These people did nothing for him...they are evil.  Fast  forward 2 years and we are divorced and our kids r sad and he lives with his sister the most evil one of all and my kids have to sleep there everother week-end......

Look my point is that even though I was married for 11 years and at that time together for 18 cancer kicked our asses!  The treatment time feels like it could never get worse u r wrong thats the easy part because u have people telling u what to do and how to do it., after the treatment u r on your own..... I thought that i would be with him forever. Your still not sure if he is the one.  Forget what u think people are going to think , people are ass holes anyway! The people who judge the most are the evil ones anyway.. You have to run from them. The people that love u understand that this is just a poopy situation no matter what u do....

For what itrs worth..( not alot i know) dont stay because of cancer....the what ifs well eat u alive.... no matter what u do your life is never going to be the same. And Im sorry for that.................i well be thinking about ya.

post again soon

Big, big hugs, ((((((Cantcope2009))))))!!

Run, don't walk away!!!! I am very sorry to hear your friend has cancer and I wish him the best recovery.  From what I can tell from your post, you are a very caring person.  Your boyfriend doesn't care for you, he cares for himself.  I was in a similar relationship, the absolute most wonderful man on the face of the earth!!!! He always remembered to bring me flowers, bought me my favorite chocolates, ran errands for me, treated me like a princess, what could be wrong? He also called (this was before testing) every hour when I was at work, if we weren't together at night, he would still call every hour.  He made it impossible to go out with friends or even to go get my nails done.  He would show up at the salon and wait till I was done, so he could give me a ride home.  Basically, he wanted to know where I was and what I was doing every minute of the day.  The breakup finally came when I wanted to go away for a weekend with my family and didn't include him. Mr. Wonderful became Mr. Abusive overnight. He was a control freak and when I started to run, he panicked.  My two cents, support him and be his friend during treatment, if something permanent develops later deal with that then.  

I'm going thru my own cancer treatments now and my SO will only make plans for the following day because his concern is how I feel that day, not how I will feel in a year from now.

I hope everything works out for the best.