Families & Mental Illness

I've talked about my parents before. My mom is narcissistic, probably an undiagnosed bipolar. They are pushing 80. Dad has cancer and chemobrain, among other things.

I should have known better than to answer the phone when she called last night. She has NEVER, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever called me when she didn't want somethig from me. I don't get called on my birthday, don't get called when dad's in the hospital, etc. I don't know. I just thought maybe, just maybe, this ONE time she would call me if he was in the hospital. But Noooooooo.

Of course. They are being evicted AGAIN. Need money AGAIN. Want me to refinance my house with them acting as the mortgage broker, so they can earn a commision or want me to somehow crap out thousands of dollars, for them to piss away AGAIN.

Now understand 2 1/2 years ago I debted myself to move them out of the house they were in, put most of their stuff into a shipping container and have stored it on my property for free. I had really bought the container for MY stuff and MY business. I have never gotten to use it for myself. In fact my own stuff basically got trashed in an old, leaky garage, in order to store the "family heirlooms." But I gave into the poor pathetic cries of the poor old man and woman who were "going to lose everything and be living on the streets...."

Of course the rumor mill makes it back to me, through the family grapevine, how I came and "took everything from them." They would have LOST it all, since they were evicted from THAT place as well. They knew for months it was coming. Asked for my help, yet didn't have one box packed, or a thing sorted when I got there. I flew down to So Cal, at my expense. Packed all their crap. Found help to load it into the u-haul, I rented. Drove it back to No Cal. Put it into the shipping container, I had acquired, at my expense. Blew my back out so I was in agony for months, and ended up getting epidural cortisone injections, so I could walk and be a mother to my child. Came home to my kid with her hair hacked off, because her dad couldn't trouble himself to brush the knots out of it. 2 1/2 years later dd STILL won't let anyone get near her hair with a pair of scissors. But I'M the bad guy here. I TOOK everything from my parents, according to my brother (who lives about 5 miles from them, but he's schizo and "sick" and "we can't expect anything from him," according to Mom), my neice and a few others in the family. I victimized these poor old people. Well, where the HELL were they when I needed someone to help me pack all this crap??? My brother has a pickup, we could have loaded stuff into. My neice could have rented a u-haul and had some of it. Anybody was WELCOME to it, IMHO.

I filled out the arduous paperwork for them to get on the list for the VA homes because Dad is a vet. Two year waiting list for Napa. All they had to do was sign the paperwork. I had done EVERYTHING else, including get the Drs. signatures. No simple task. But would they sign them? Noooooo. They moved into a place they could NOT afford and have jerked their very nice landlord around for over two years ,and the man won't take any more. Now Mom won't pay the rent until the sherriff removes them. This is the story of my life. They did this crap since I was two years old.

Too bad they wouldn't sign that VA paperwork 2 1/2 years ago, they'd BE in the VA in Napa. THey don't want to go to Barstow, because "they've heard bad things." Well I've heard bad things about living on the streets.

My sister in No Carolina has offered them a house. But my mothers excuse is, that it would cost them thousands of dollars to move back there. The thing is, if she was given thousands of dollars TO move, she'd piss it away and NOT move. My sister in Mo. also offered her a house, because she has two. Same deal.

I know I should just be able to let this go right?

But my mom is a fraudster and a grifter. I have to watch my back here. I have to also make sure she isn't stealing mine, or my dd's identity to "pull herself through" this crisis. Cause if Mom could F$%## me over, in the process, to get what she "needs" she most certainly would. Want to know the clincher in all this? She's a Deacon in the Episcopal Church. She's a freekin, self righteous, woman of God, out doing good works in the community.

No wonder I ened up with a bi-polar man that can't even be honest with me, when he's "coming clean" with me.

I'm wondering what I ever effin did to deserve any of this crap? I must have been a really awful person in a past life to end up with the people who "love" me, being people like this. I can't trust a single ONE of them. I'm so sick of words of love ,while someone is figureing out how to put a knife in my back, or steal the pennies from my purse.

My sister told me "Don't feel bad. It's not your responsibility."

I KNOW that. Yet when my mom called me gasping and in defib two years ago, I DID call an ambulance for her. I would do the same for the dirty drunk in the gutter, afterall. I do have to be able to look at myself in the mirror.

But it's not about just not being responsible for them, it's about having to guard myself against them. It's about having to put security blocks on my credit and my dd's credit and having to PAY every month to PROTECT myself from someone who should love me and want to protect me. It's really hard to not let it pollute my relationship with my partner, who also does hurtful things, that I have to guard and protect me and dd from, as well. These are people who should love and protect ME!!! It's like I have NOONE that offers me that safe place, in this whole effin world, except a 5 yo, and that's not right! She only offers it out of pure, loving, innocence and trust. I do my danmdest to not betray that. But I don't want to place that burden on her. I F%%$# HATE THIS!

I'm so sick, angry, tired and disgusted with these people that USE me, and only seem to see me for what they can USE in me. If I have any valid need, then they abandon me, as too much of a burden or are just nowhere to be found, when I need them. I really feel like vomiting, I'm so angry.

Sure I can cut Mom off. But in a way, it's better to know what she's doing, so I can watch my and dd's back. So I know she hasn't taken out a car loan, credit card or mortgage in my or dd's name.

When I went to the county recorders office to see if there was anyway I could put some note on my properties, so I could be notified, before anyone placed any kind of lein on them, the lady was like "Well anything would have to be signed by you and notarized." It was really hard explaining that my MOTHER is a grifter, who defrauds her own children and she IS a notary! People just give me the weirdest looks when I'm trying to explain it is my own MOTHER I'm trying to keep from ripping me off and ruining my life.

Why am I talking about this here? Because I have NO WHERE ELSE TO GO WITH IT!!!! No one else could possibly, remotely, BEGIN to understand the insanity of it, but you guys. I hate my own mother. But my 5 yo wants to see her "granny" and "misses her granny" and every time she sees a little white dog, tells the people her "granny has a little dog like that."

I know this sounds terrible, but I just keep thinking, OMG, what if she lives to be in her 90's?!? I don't think I can take it.

{{{ hugs }}}

Have you decided what you're going to do? Have you called your sisters to tell them your mom is in trouble again? It sounds to me they believe what happened last time. Your brother is sick & is protected by your mother, of course he's going to see her side of things. Your niece, ah who knows, maybe she hates her life so bad she needs somebody else to complain about???

What do you think would happen if you didn't pick up next time she calls or respond if she writes? For maybe 3 months ... just until January? Do you think you could just watch your names a little more closely for three months & try to block contact. Maybe write a note to her stating you're still recovering from the last bail out and to protect your family you will not be taking her calls or emails for a few months?

Let one of your sisters feel the brunt this time. Yes, they've offered her a place to stay, and perhaps they've done so b/c they know deep down it would never happen & it's their own way of saying, 'I've done what I can.' But maybe if it's more in their face they will step up.

My mom knows my younger sister is her victim. She knows very well when push comes to shove it's my younger sister who will come to her aid. But you know, my sister has taken a few months off where she completely cuts my mom off. Narcissists believe they're owed & won't give up. But instead of trying to keep getting at my younger sister she will then start for my older sister, then to me, then my older brother (before he died) then finally to my eldest brother. She knows the order to take to get what she wants.

So, from my own family experience, if one blocks contact, the narcissist doesn't waste too much time, but moves onto the next most vulnerable victim.

When my sister blocks my mom, she does it with no warning. She may tell me or my older sister, but she simply stops all communication with my mom.

Does this end their relationship? Nope, never, my younger sister still has a need from my mom too. Eventually there will be contact again & once my mom has her blood to suck all is forgotten until my sister starts blocking her & then the memories rush in.

Look, the way I see it. If your mom has enough wits to be able to lie & cheat as well as she does, then she has what it takes to figure her way out of this mess. My mom tries to have us do everything for her, to the most simple of tasks. Lately we've been using her accomplishments against her. We'll remind her, 'aren't you the person who ran around the UK for three months without an itinerary and completely cut off from us? I think you have the capability of figuring this out on your own.'

So even if she cannot get your sisters to help her, I think she's quite capable of getting out of this mess on her own. She may be 80ish, but that doesn't make her weak & feeble. My great grandma had spunk into her 90s, my grandma had spunk all through her 80s, my mom has spunk in her 70s.

Breath.

Take a moment for yourself. Try to find something you enjoy, even if it's a long shower. Find something about yourself you like. Right now you need to be your own best friend. Once you find the friendship to yourself through your self, you'll find the power to get through this. I've seen this side of you before. It's there. Go find it & tap into it.

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May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
And rains fall soft upon your fields.

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Peace

I am sorry. My MIL is not quite as out there, nor so broke, thankfully, but she has pulled stunts like stealing checks from her kids. Dh has cut her off. He could see no other way to keep his own sanity. I have very limited dealings with her, and she behaves herself with me.

It seems to me that you need to extract yourself from this situation. Be clear, firm and unemotional. Refuse to get involved in the mortgage, refuse to shell out any money, maybe offer to truck in their stuff if they find a new abode. Wish your mother the best of luck. Repeat and rinse, repeat and rinse, etc.

You know that triggered a memory for me. My H's grandmother was this way too (he's the one who recognized my mom as being a narcissist by seeing his grandmother in my mother). She was horrific & would use other people's names to hide or get money. The entire time I've known my H he has no contact w/his grandmother. After she called once & left a message I was instructed to never talk to her. Even when his mother died he told his great-aunt to NOT tell his grandmother her own child had died. Amazingly though, a few months later, his cousin & a recently discovered new cousin showed up at our doorstep (they didn't even live in the same state) to scope out our furniture to assess if we had gotten an inheritance or not.

As for your DD, if she liked to lick led paint b/c it made her tongue feel good, would you let her?

My DS begs to meet his grandpa. I've told him I'll wait until my DD is old enough to remember meeting him. Then the first time my father emotionally hurts them I will cut off all communication & if he wants when he gets old enough to start communication again on his own he is allowed to. But I will not willing watch my children be hurt by a man who hurt me all of my life.

Oh & my DS was only around 4 years old when I made him stop spending time with the 'neighborhood grandpa.' I explained a little every time he asked. As he got older I was able to explain my reasoning more. One day, he just sort of started to get it & told me so. This is a guy who lives across the street & other kids go see.

If you keep talking to your children eventually they will get it and understand. My son still misses him (3 years later), but understands a little bit of the why, I haven't gotten into full detail of my reasons.

I hope you can find what feels right for you.

The really strange thing about this is, that evening, before she called, my partner was sitting there regaling "how enterprising he was, even as a kid." How he was earning money sweeping a parking lot here, and mowing a lawn there, taking care of peoples dogs, etc. (As I was standing and doing dishes, of course.) I said "I was really enterprising too. But it was the parking lot of my mothers business I was sweeping. Her paging system for her real estate office, while they had an office party, I was operating. Her business I was being a receptionist and file clerk for. Her building I was washing the windows on. Her rental houses I was doing yard work at. Her trashed rental units I was painting and cleaning, sometimes, so dirty I had to use a putty knife and had fleas crawling all over me. I was doing all for NO pay and if I complained about that, I was told "you have a roof over your head, clothes on your back and food on your plate (which I had usually cooked too.) What more should I expect?'"

So he said "I don't ever want to tell dd any of the things that happened to you as a child."

Well, I don't want to either. But at some point I know she is going to ask questions and I don't even know how to begin to answer them. He doesne't want to hear anything about anything that doesen't "make him feel good." Sooooooo......I'm on my own here, with everything, pretty much.

But, I guess I can see, to some degree why it completly fries my butt that my partner, acts like, I do nothing but eat bon bons all day, in spite of the fact that I bring in money, am active in business and dd's school/activities/life AND take care of the bill paying, laundry, and the lions share of the household duties and child rearing, (and let's not forget, we've been remodeling the house and the faries actually don't deal with tradesmen, insurance companies, the county, materials acquisition, inspectors.....). Because of course I do HAVE days I need to deal with my disability and get off my feet, so, he only makes note of that. So I suppose, not having what I DO, noticed probably bugs me. I accept it. But it FRIES me, in a big way, when he DIMINISHES it, because I don't have manic powers benefitting me.

Then add mom to the mix, and it just triggers stuff with us. The safest thing for me to do is detach. I get a bit, distant with him too, so I won't say things to him, in order to keep the peace, that I'm more sensitive about, in part due to my communication with Mom.

I told my sis I'm not answering any calls from Mom and warned her about what was going on, so she could make the choice herself.