Thank you, Promise. It took me a while to finally come out & post. But it helps for me to talk about it.
I think what is hurting me the most about this is that I talked to him that week & just hours (literally) before his death. I had no indication he would do this. That last week of his death, he told me he still loved me & had feelings for me. And now he is gone :-( That is what is hurting me the most. Of course I told him I loved him back but none of us knew he would do this. He had a brain tumor removed this past April and he was finally free from the severe headaches and he was back to his old cheery self. Eight weeks later the headaches came back and were ten times worse & never went away. More tests were done and more MRI's were done but doctors said everything was fine. But apparently not. He couldn't get any relief & he could hardly work & keep up w/his bills. I remember him telling me that week how bad his head was hurting & told him to rest. He always asked me what I did or took to help w/my migraines. I didn't know he was struggling financially, wasn't able to work, and the pain was that intense. He never told me the details & didn't find out about all this until I heard from his mother.
In the beginning I was blaming myself thinking if I had known he was going to do this, I would have hot-tailed it down there and talk him out of it. But I had no indication. For weeks I felt rage & anger because the doctors couldn't help him even though he was in severe pain and they kept telling him everything was fine. I honestly think the brain tumor came back but perhaps it was small it couldn't show up on the MRI? I don't know. His mother told me the day of his death, he left his necklace, cell phone, and his watch sitting on top of his headboard and he never left the house wo/those three things. His head was hurting so bad on that Wednesday that his mother begged him to go to the hospital/ER but he said no. He didn't want to go to the ER because he owed them money & his mother said who cares lets just go. But like she said, it's not like he was a little boy where she could pick him up and take him herself.
Grieving a suicide is not easy. I guess it would have been justifiable if he had gotten in a car wreck or died in his sleep, but he took his own life because he simply couldn't deal w/the pain anymore. I feel so bad for his mother because she was the one that found him in his car & she was alone. He didn't even go into work that day. She tapped on the glass calling him & she noticed the dried dark blood. When she opened the car door, she saw the blood on the side of his face and she touched his arm and he was already stiff. She just fell on him asking why. His car was still running & she knew he had shot himself. I knew he had a pistol but thought he sold it, but apparently not. The coronoer said he shot himself in the mouth and the bullet went out the left side of his head. When she told me all that I just broke down & cried & cried & cried.
Thanks for letting me ramble on. There are days where I force myself to keep going because I know he wouldn't want us to stop living. When I first found out about his suicide, I'd come home every afternoon from work and go into my room, shut the door and just cry for hours. These past three months have not been easy at all.
