Good afternoon- Thank you all who post to this board; I'm grateful to have a place to discuss the loss of my Mom.
My mother died 3 months ago this coming Sunday and it's been so hard to exist, especially in keeping up appearances at work. I have a high stress level job (in payroll, but I think in this economy everyone's job is stressful these days) and feel most days that I'm not allowed to make mistakes. Add now that my mom passed away, my head is totally spinning.
I get so frustrated that my bosses and work colleagues seem distant; some of them don't even say hello or goodbye to me every day. I know that sounds petty and rather silly, but the littlest things seem to send my head into confusion. They only talk with me about work issues. Before I lost my mom I was according to my bosses "trying too hard to be friends with my coworkers". All I thought I was doing was being friendly. Maybe I just don't know how to respect other people's boundaries. Now that I've lost my mom, I feel like I'm on pins and needles every 2 seconds and it hurts terribly. I feel like quitting yet know that the job market stinks right now and I am self supporting.
My mom was my best friend and yet my worst nightmare. Not that I mean to speak badly about my mother, but she did the best she could with the tools she had. She was a daughter of an alcholic, she became one herself and I grew up totally affected by the disease. My sister and I have been debating over the last few months since her death of whether she was borderline (personality disorder) and the drinking masked it or whether it was just the drinking. It's so FRUSTRATING as she is gone, it doesn't MATTER now. Either way, I have trouble emotionally because I spoke to her every day (knowing she was in denial over her disease) and I miss my mom terribly.
(As a footnote; I have several tools in place to assist me; most importantly I attend 12 step mtgs frequently, have an individual counsellor and have just started an 8 week bereavement support group).
I just need additional perspective. My birthday is coming up next week, the first without my mom. Now I really don't feel like having any big deal made at my office (they always have a cake and have a gathering for 1/2 hour or so). Small talk is IMPOSSIBLE for me right now. Do I say NO in advance (and risk others thinking ill of me) or do I say thanks and cry at home later?
If anyone has any perspective and would be willing to share it; I'd be forever grateful. Thank you in advance.
