Overeater's Anonymous

It won't endanger my job, even tho' I was at work, because my drug of choice is food.

It's not because of being angry and frustrated by the people around me. (the trigger).

It's not about quantity. It was four baked chicken leg/thigh pieces, two handfuls (yep, cold, too) of mashed potatoes, a bowl of noodles, and a piece of ice cream cake. I have certainly eaten more. This is just a solid meal for many.

It's not about who saw me. No one did, tho' I was in the dayroom, so someone certainly could have.

It is more about how I feel, which is wretched. Not "hungover." Not ashamed. Just wretched. Disappointed. Sad. Tearful, but blocked.

I don't know what to do now. Of course, that is not true. I work with addicts every day. I would be the first to send them to the Big Book (after they came back from detox), to a meeting, to their sponsor, to another peer.

But, for me, I don't know what to do. Or maybe, more correctly, how.

I told one person, a recovering alcoholic who is also a co-worker. His was the usual reaction of one to a relapse on food.

I will copy this to another co-worker, who is in OA. At least he will have some inkling of what this is about. Since he rarely looks at e-mail, it may be awhile before he responds-----if he does.

I just needed to share.

jcn

Hey J,

This is the place to vent.  You're welcome to do and say what you're feeling here--you know that. 

And trust me when I say that I truly understand when you say that quantity, type, etc. is not the crux of the problem, but rather how you feel about your actions.  You know when you've gone over the edge, and no one has to tell you.  I WILL remind you that you don't have to freefall.  Even if you're feeling totally alone, HP is there.  Sooner or later, you'll feel a swat on the side of your head and it won't be a V-8 moment, it will be the realization that you have the solution staring at you.  That happens to me on a weekly basis.  My program has been shaky off and on.  I'm not one of these fortunates who start the program, have a spiritual awakening and for the rest of their lives live struggle free (LOL).  There are too few of those lucky people.  Most of us schlepp along and then boom, one day the miracle happens.  Someone told me that the first ten years in OA you schepped and learned (my words), the second 10 years and through eternity (wink), you reaped all the benefits of program.  I'm in the first 10 years :o)  and I'll tell you, even on my worst days in OA I'd rather be here than than living my best days as an active compulsive overeater. 

Another thing to remember, sweetie is that yesterday is gone.  We get a new chance every day and in most instances, every hour, every minute.  You binged yesterday. You have today to start all over.  I'm here with you sending you white light and good toughts.  I've just finished praying for my kids and I will pray for you and for me next--is it a deal?

If you need more venting, feel free to e-mail me at schematicphase@yahoo.com.  Big, big hugs!!!

~Patricia~
Overeaters Anonymous MSSG.Board:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhivhovereat/

Yes, it is a deal.

So much time has passed. i have been reading each day, but not sure of how/what to respond, so have said nothing.
I did actually manage to put the "slip" behind me & not get too hard on myself. That in itself is progress.
I was reading your definition of abstinence, & really like that one. When I started out, over 2 years ago, abstinence (for me) was not eating the WHOLE pizza. Now, it is much narrower. It is also more related to how I am feeling, rather than what I am eating. Am I eating because I am bored? Restless? At loose ends? Truly hungry? Going by the clock?
As expected, it took my friend a week to get around to his e-mail. Of course, he was all apologies. He did suggest we get together, as well as giving me his home phone & e-mail address.
I "hovered" around my home meeting place last Saturday, but it was an hour early, so I didn't stay. I am finding it amazingly hard to go back in there. I am still listed as the contact in the area meeting folder, so get an occasional call on it. I'm a little surprised they still have me in there.
I am FEELING reaaly tired. That's partly from being at the end of my work shift. I am also feeling discouraged & frustrated. That's partly from DH's irritability due to a herniated disc. (We see the neumrosurgeon tomorrow?thursday). I am at a point (been here before) that i am feeling resigned to living forever in this oversized body.
Gotta go (i'm at work), but I will be back. Perhaps to finish that thought.

janet

Hi Janet,

I'm happy to "see" you again!

>>I did actually manage to put the "slip" behind me & not get too hard on myself. That in itself is progress.

YEY!

>>I am finding it amazingly hard to go back in there.

I CAN ABSOLUTELY RELATE.  I WAS GONE FROM F2F FOR A VERY LONG TIME AND FELT EMBARRASSED TO GO BACK.  I SUPPOSE I THOUGHT THEY WOULD THINK I'M A FAILURE.  BUT ONCE I WAS BACK, IT WAS LIKE I NEVER LEFT.  THERE IS ONE THING THOUGH...I STOPPED GOING TO ONE MEETING THAT I REALLY LOVED, BUT I'VE NEVER GONE BACK THERE AND I'M NOT SURE WHY.  I ACTUALLY LOOK THE SAME--JUST A BIT OLDER, I ABSOLUTELY LOVE EVERY MEMBER THERE, BUT FOR SOME REASON, I JUST KEEP AVOIDING THAT PARTICULAR MEETING!  PART OF IT (i TELL MYSELF)IS THAT I DON'T LIKE TO GET UP EARLY ON WEEKENDS--IT USED TO BE THE ONLY DAYS I COULD WATCH TV IN BED, BUT NOW THAT I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION TO RELAX ON DAYS WHEN I'M NOT SWAMPED WITH WORK, AND THAT I ALLOW MYSELF TO WATCH TV, I STILL DON'T GO TO THE MEETING.  AS A MATTER OF FACT, I TOLD MYSELF YESTERDAY THAT I'D TRY TO GO THIS WEEKEND.... I'LL REPORT BACK.

>>I am FEELING reaaly tired. That's partly from being at the end of my work shift. I am also feeling discouraged & frustrated. That's partly from DH's irritability due to a herniated disc. (We see the neumrosurgeon tomorrow?thursday). I am at a point (been here before) that i am feeling resigned to living forever in this oversized body. 
 

I HOPE YOU'RE FEELING BETTER TODAY.  TIME REALLY DOES HELP, ESPECIALLY WHEN I'M NOT IN THE FOOD.  MAYBE IF YOU HAVE A LITTLE TIME TOMORROW YOU CAN SWING BY THE CHAT.  SOMETIMES I'M THERE ALL ALONE AND SOMETIMES I GET COMPANY.  IT WOULD BE GREAT TO HEAR FROM YOU.  IT'S FRIDAYS AT NOON EASTERN TIME.

PLEASE COMING BACK, SWEETIE.  HUGS
 

~Patricia~
Overeaters Anonymous MSSG.Board:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhivhovereat/