Here are some from George Carlin:
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
Energizer Bunny arrested — charged with battery.
A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating — always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean a mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
love your 3 babies siggy!!!!
I love George -- did you read his autobio book -- hilarious!!!!
