Until today, it has been so hard for me to open up to anyone about my infertility. People knew what I was going through, but I never let anyone in. It was just so deep and so painful for me to deal with. I did everything right. I went to school, graduated, started a great career, and got married to the man of my dreams. So feeling accomplished and on top of the world at 22, I was ready to be a mother. I was still so young and although I worked for every single thing that I have ever had, it all came easy. I just had to put my mind to it, and it was reality. That wasn't the case when I wanted a child.
Although I am still young, I am going to be 25, next month. The emotional pain that I have had to endure to be a mother, won't ever heal. Part of me died every time I saw a BFN. Everytime I had to look at my husband's face and tell him that it didn't happen. I am not saying that all women feel the same, but I felt like I wasn't a complete woman. Thinking back now, I was so hard on myself. But I know that so many women beat themselves up over this.
See, when you can't conceive, you start thinking of " what did I do wrong this month?" "Why is it so easy for her to get pregnant?" "am I ever going to have a child?"
I tried for 33 months. Since October of 2004.
I blamed myself so much, because YES, at 22 I was all of these great things, but ONE MAJOR thing that I blamed myself for, was my weight. At 22 I was weighing in at 300 lbs. Yes, I can't even believe it. I am that girl, that is so smart, so beautiful, so educated and so well off, but who would have probably died young, because I didn't love myself enough to stop eating. The infertility, made it worse and I topped out at 343 lbs. Eating was my comfort. Even if I wasn't hungry.
My wake up call came on December 15 of 2006. I get a phone call from my husband telling me that he is not coming home, because he can't deal with it anymore.
He felt that I blamed him for everything and I was very mean and closed Off. I let a wonderful, hard working, educated, gorgeous man, walk out of my life, because I had become so bitter with myself.
So I snapped out of it. I stopped drinking soda, started walking, started exercising. I told myself, that I would not go to the doctor about my infertility until I was serious enough to lose 20lbs. But By the end of January I was at the doctor weighing in at 313 lbs. She said that she would do my annual exam and once she got the results we would start talking about my infertility.
This whole time, I am trying hard to get my husband back and save my marriage, of course he comes back, but not until he makes it clear that he loves me but won't allow me to treat him badly. He told me that it was just as hard for him, because he can't share his disappointment with me, because he didn't want to hurt me and just wanted to comfort me. Ladies, please let your husband in. Don't burn that bridge, because it is as much his struggle as it is yours. This is something that 2 people deal with, not just 1.
I was petrified to speak to a doctor, because of my weight, but she told me, that I live in San Antonio, ONE OF THE FATTEST CITIES in the US, so plenty of overweight women conceive and plenty of thin women don't. I am in no way condoing being overweight, as I want to continue to lose weight and I want to be healthy for my child. I am just being completely open and honest about my experience, because someone might relate.
THE REST OF THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT SO IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS PLEASE LET ME KNOW. I AM GOING TO TRY TO BE AS DETAILED AS POSSIBLE.
THE FIRST STEP IN MY CARE WAS TO GET MY REGULAR ANNUAL EXAM RESULTS BACK.
EVERYTHING CAME BACK GREAT.
SO SHE SCHEDULED ME TO TAKE SEVERAL BLOOD TESTS, AN HSG, AND A SEMAN ANALYSIS FOR MY HUSBAND.
ALL OF MY BLOOD TESTS CAME BACK OK. I DON'T REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT SHE TESTED FOR, BUT I KNOW THYROID WAS ONE OF THEM SINCE IT RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
AN HSG IS AN X-RAY DYE TEST. MY EXPERIENCE WITH THE HSG WAS AS FOLLOWS: I SCHEDULED AN APPOINTMENT AT AN IMAGING PLACE. I WAS TOLD TO GET INTO A HOSPITAL GOWN AND LAY ON A TABLE DIRECTLY BELOW AN X-RAY MACHINE. IT IS VERY SIMILAR TO A PAP, UNTIL THE SHOOT THE DIE IN YOU. I FELT AUTOMATIC CRAMPING, AND I WAS SHAKING AND IT WAS REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.
I DID INDEED HAVE A BLOCKED TUBE, MY LEFT SO I DON'T KNOW IF THAT HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE BAD CRAMPING.
SO NOW A FEW WEEKS LATER I GO IN FOR MY PROGNOSIS.
MY BLOOD TESTS ARE FINE.
I HAVE A BLOCK LEFT TUBE THAT COULD BE ENDO, OR ANYTHING. THEY WOULDN'T KNOW UNLESS I DID LAPROSCOPY AND SHE SINCE I WAS ONLY 24 SHE DIDN'T RECOMMEND THE SURGERY UNTIL I TRIED, BECAUSE EVEN WITH ONE TUBE I COULD CONCEIVE.
SO NOW MY HUSBAND GETS BACK HIS SEMEN ANALYSIS AND THE "NORM" IS OVER 20 MILLION SPERM, WELL HE ONLY HAS 11 MILLION, AND THE LIQUEFICATION TIME WAS ABNORMAL.
I WAS DEPRESSED!
A BLOCKED TUBE, OVERWEIGHT, AND LOW SEMEN COUNT FOR MY HUSBAND. I WORRIED WHETHER I SHOULD GO STRAIGHT TO AN RE, BECAUSE OF MY BLOCKED TUBE, AND BECAUSE OF MY WEIGHT. THERE WERE SO MANY FACTORS, BUT MY OBGYN, SAID TO TRUST HER. I DID.
IN MAY OF 2007 I START MY FIRST ROUND OF CLOMID, NOW WEIGHING 280 LBS. THE DOCTOR PRESCRIBES 100 MG ON DAYS 5-9. SIDE EFFECTS WERE MINIMAL, MOODINESS, NAUSEA.
DAY 12 AN ULTRASOUND, I GET WORRIED, BECAUSE I HAVE ONE BIG FOLLICLE ON THE LEFT SIDE, AND A SMALL ONE ON THE RIGHT SIDE. THIS WORRIES ME, BECAUSE IF MY LEFT TUBE IS BLOCKED AND THE DOMINANT FOLLICLE IS ON THAT SIDE, THEN IT WOULDN'T WORK. SOMETIMES, THE EGG CAN GO TO THE RIGHT SIDE, BUT I HAVE HEARD THAT IT IS THE EXCEPTION AND NOT THE RULE. MY HUSBAND AND I BD EVERYDAY DURING MY FERTILE PERIOD. ON DAY 21 I GO IN FOR A PROGESTERONE TEST. IT CAME BACK ONLY 4.9. MY DOCTOR SAID SHE WANTED TO SEE AT LEAST OVER A 5 AND FOR SURE OVER A 10 FOR ME TO OVULATE. I WAS SAD AND ALTHOUGH MY PERIOD DID NOT COME UNTIL CYCLE DAY 31, IT SHOWED UP AND I WAS DEVESTATED. SO NOW I KNEW THAT CLOMID DID LENGTHEN MY CYCLE.
SO NOW I AM READY FOR MONTH 2 ON CLOMID.
JUNE OF 2007. NOW WEIGHING 270, I AM PRESCRIBED 150 MG OF CLOMID ON CYCLE DAYS 5-9. MY DOCTOR GIVES ME STRICT RULES NOT TO HAVE SEX EVERYDAY DURING MY FERTILE PERIOD, BUT INSTEAD, ONCE I RECEIVE A POSITIVE OPK, OR STARTING ON CYCLE DAY 13 BD EVERY OTHER DAY. SINCE MY HUSBANDS COUNT WAS LOW, SHE SAID SHE GUARANTEED THAT IT WOULD HELP. ULTRASOUND ON CYCLE DAY 12 SHOWS 2 FOLLICLES ON MY RIGHT SIDE. AND ONE SMALL ONE OF THE LEFT SIDE. IT SEEMS THAT MY BODY RESPONDED MORE TO THE 150MG. I WENT IN ON CYCLE DAY 22 FOR A PROGESTERONE TEST AND IT CAME BACK AN 18. ALL THE WAY FROM A 4.9 TO AN 18. THE DOCTOR GAVE ME A PREGNANCY TEST ON CYCLE DAY 24 AND IT CAME BACK NEGATIVE.
I WAS DEVESTATED AGAIN. I CAME HOME AND TOLD MY HUSBAND, AND THE GENIUS THAT HE IS, SAID, WHAT IF YOU TOOK THE TEST TOO EARLY. I STARTED THINKING ABOUT IT, AND I WONDERED IF MY CYCLE WAS LENGTHENED TO 31 DAYS, THEN WOULD I OVULATE LATER?? THE ONLY THING I COULD DO WAS WAIT. AFTER 33 MONTHS OF NEGATIVES, I DIDN'T EXPECT ANYHTING DIFFERENT. SO I WAIT JUST A FEW DAYS UNTIL CYCLE DAY 28 AND WITH FIRST MORNING URINE I TAKE A TEST. A BIG FAT FAT FAT FAT NEGATIVE AGAIN!
I WAS JUST SAD BY THIS POINT. AFTER EVERYTHING I HAD BEEN THROUGH. I JUST DECIDED TO STOP TRYING FOR NOW. I WANTED TO LOSE MORE WEIGHT AND GET TO MY IDEAL WEIGHT AND THEN START TRYING AGAIN, BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO FEEL THAT IN THE BACK OF MY MIND, MY WEIGHT WOULD ALWAYS BE THE ISSUE.
I NOTICE THAT TODAY IS DAY 34 OF MY CYCLE AND ALTHOUGH I KEPT GETTING CRAMPING AS IF I WAS GOING TO START IT NEVER CAME. I WENT TO WALGREENS THIS MORNING, AND BOUGHT A 3 PACK OF E.P.T. I CAME HOME TOOK THE TEST AND GOT A BFP!!!!!!!!!!! I AM PREGNANT. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. OF COURSE, I AM GOING TO CONTINUE TO EAT HEALTHY AND WALK AND PRAY TO GOD, THAT EVERYTHING GOES WELL. PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP, BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS CIRCUMSTANCES, BUT GOD WILL BLESS YOU WITH A BABY. DON'T FEEL THAT YOU ARE ALONE, BECAUSE YOUNG, OLD, THIN, OBESE, WE ALL SHED THE SAME TEARS WHEN FACED WITH INFERTILITY. THANKS AND BABY DUST TO ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
