discussion title:
Devastated. Numb.lost my baby
I am soooo devastated. I had felt baby move everyday for 3 weeks--last Tues. she didn't move much at all.....started to worry. SO I drank juice, laid on my side,poked and proded--nothing-- think late Tues. night she kicked for the last time.....Wed--I was really worried---she didn't move and my stomach was in a tight lump--called dr.----he wasn't having clinic until Friday---Thursday morning---woke up to no movement and breasts not sore---for the first time in months......couldn't wait till Friday. Went to ER.
Emergency room. Confirmed fetal demise. I had been on lovenox and baby aspirin--so wasn't allowed to have epidural---they gave me cytotek to bring on contractions---I had to endure the WORST labor and delivery pains!!!! It felt like torture....I had a loss at 18 weeks 5 years ago---but I had an epidural and went to sleep and when I woke up the little baby was on the bed....well NOT this time. Full fledeged--pull your legs back and push......and it was sooo hard.
Because the baby---Bria Grace--was 21 weeks the hospital makes the parents make "arrangements"--last time I left the baby at the hospital and they cremated and a few weeks later I picked up the ashes.....
I have to call the social worker and tell her what I want to do.....if I do autopsy--baby will have to be transferred to another hospital and then the funeral home will pick up body and cremate---I would have to pay $500 for that.....or she said I could bascially "abandon" the baby and the hospital will take care of things....but I won't get an autopsy and I hate the idea of "abandoning" her....but I also don't want to go to funeral home to sign papers.......
I stayed in hospital 2 days....came home yesterday. My dad flew down from ATL to watch the kids.....
I really am in a state of shock.....of course having had 5 previous losses--I was always so guarded and nervous this whole time---but I had made it farhter than ever this time and was taking the lovenox and baby aspirin....had just had the level 2 ultrasound and it looked good......was almost starting to really believe that I would bring this baby home..........
Ladies, if you believe in the power of prayer....please pray for me and my family. The kids never knew I was pregnant---but they know something is wrong. DH is trying to be helpful....but I am so angry and confused and part of me feels so stupid...so stupid....for putting us through this again------the pain is unbearable.
