Rape Survivors

I have been lurking here for awhile now but have been afraid to post I guess. I was raped a little over 6 years ago and I still havent really dealt with it. I was going to counseling but quit recently since it wasnt helping. My main issues at this point are the flashbacks, insomnia, and of course trying to have a healthy sexual relationship with my husband, none of which are easy to deal with.

My story: I went out jogging every morning for years around 5 am. I used to love the quiet in the morning now it frightens me. I guess I was zoned out because I never saw them or heard them. All I remember was the blow to the back and a man holding my arms down while his 2 friends took turns. When they were finished they carved their initials inside my thighs and carved the word whore upon my chest with a knife. I went home showered and tried to clean up but there was blood everywhere. I couldnt stand to go to the hospital but had a friend in med school. She assessed the wounds and agreed that I would live but urged me to go to the hospital. I was to ashamed to go. Just the week before, my dad had said that I was stupid for running in short shorts and a tanktop that I was attracting the wrong sort of attention. I still blame myself. Finally, I did go get an std test anonomously. Thats when the doc told me I was pregnant. I went through with the pregnancy but decided to give up the baby because I had such hatred for myself and the men who raped me. I didnt want to hate an innocent child. I would like to talk to others who have had a similar situation. I feel it has added to my innability to heal. Have any of you had a child from rape? Also, for those of you in a relationship, how do you get past the triggers and the pain and enjoy sex with your partner?

Lora

Hello,

I'm sorry you too have been victimized. {{{HUGS}}}

I never know what to say to others, I'm a good listener though.
I did want to answer your question about relationship intimacies.

~I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. I was a virgin before I was raped. My boyfriend and I can't do anything sexual; it hurts me too much both physically (I was knifed and stitches were necessary) and psychologically.

~It's been almost 4 years for me. I keep putting off healing. I want to be healed but it's a long and painful process so sometimes I figure that I'm better off just not thinking about it.

I'm sorry to hear you ended up being pregnant but I think it was the right thing to do. I could never live with a child conceived in such a way.

Please know it was never your fault. You never deserved it, no matter what.

Jenn

Thanks for replying. I am sorry to hear that this has happened to you and I will listen if you ever need to talk.

It helps to know I am not the only one who has this problem. I feel really defective most of the time, like there is something seriosly wrong with me and I feel like a horrible wife since I freak out at my husband for doing normal things. Sometimes I cant even stand for him to touch me. My former counselor just told me to accept the fact that this was my life but I cant. I want to be able to make love with my husband and not feel fear and for him to not worry thw whole time that he will do something wrong. I want to have a healthy marriage. Unfortunately I have no clue how to get there.
Thanks for responding
Lora

You may want to read "The Sexual Healing Journey". I started working through it, but have put it aside for now because I am not currently in a relationship. I have heard other people say it was a helpful book, and I was finding it helpful.

You may also want to try working with a different counselor. Counseling may go better if you find a person who is more compatible with you.

I was raped by a former boyfriend about 12 1/2 years ago. I still have a very hard time letting people get close. This past year I've been working on allowing people to touch me in a casual manner and I've made progress. But I know I still feel pretty paranoid around men I don't know and even around men I do know somewhat. If someone who said they cared about me could rape me, I worry that it could happen again. At this point, I cannot imagine being able to make love with anyone - though I also know I would dearly love to be able to be in a relationship again someday.

I started dating my ex-husband not long after the rape. I didn't seem to have any problems with him early on. I also never called what had happened to me rape until 10 years after it occurred; that's when I began therapy because of my failing marriage. I didn't have too much trouble making love with my husband until things got rocky in the relationship - then I started to have flashbacks - but not that often. I tend to think of what happened to me to be not as bad as what other women have experienced because I didn't have that much trouble with physical intimacy.

However, once things got really bad in the marriage and my trust in my ex-husband was destroyed by the things he had started doing, then I wasn't able to enjoy making love and had problems with that and even with just putting a tampon in during my menstrual cycle. I went to physical therapy after my divorce and made a lot of progress - that is also something you could consider. Some of the things I did in physical therapy are mentioned in "The Sexual Healing Journey".

I don't know if any of this is helpful or not, but I am sending good wishes your way and hope that you can find what you need in order to build a healthy relationship with your husband.

Abby

My husband saying my name over and over keeping me in the moment. asking me if its ok to touch me.  telling me to come back when i zone out. yes they can see it happening. he learned this from a therapist I was seeing. you need to find a therapist that will work with you. There are some good ones out there. Flashbacks come when you get triggered and  having sex triggers them. SO you learn techniques on staying in the present moment like your partner calling your name. feeling the sheets seeing the room around you knowing where you are looking into your partners face knowing who you are with and that they love you and wouldn't hurt you. It is hard at first, yyou probably wont make it through even the foreplay stage but with an informed partner neither of you gets their feelings hurt. The more you work at it the more you learn to stay focused on the here and now. Now I think about my sweet hubby and all he has done for my healing. There are still times when I have to stop in the middle but he understands, that it is not about him, but about what I am dealing with. Those times are fewer and farther between. One day I realized I could do all the hard work and heal and in ten years be better off or not do it and in ten years still be living the hell I was in. I chose to do the hard work. It pissed me off that someone invaded my life and left me all the work to do but I realized that though they didnt care what they left behhind I did care and wasn't going to leave it in ruins. I still get pissed that I have to clean up their messes and they got off scott free. BUt I still take care of me.

I hope something I said makes some kind of sense.

Julie

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