Rape Survivors

Hello Sarahuwg,

Welcome to the board. The first thing that I would like to tell you is that both rapes were not your fault at all. Rape is a crime that has more to do about power or anger, using forceful sex as the weapon. You were at the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person. There is absolutely no excuse for rape.

I've been where you are right now. I am a survivor of two rapes, and for years I kept this as a secret. The only way that you are going to find peace in your heart is to deal with the rapes, whether by yourself or with the help of a therapist. If the thought of going to a counsellor or a therapist is scary, please believe when I tell you that the thought of much more scarier than the reality. It took me years to get to the point of being able to go to a therapist. I was shaking when I called her, and I think I had to walk around the her block a few times before I had the courage go in, but I am out absolutely relieved. Why? Because she listened to me, believed me, didn't judge me, and she was going to help me. There was someone I could talk to about the rapes, and that person was understanding and judgemental. Someone who would be supportive, who could teach me coping skills and who could accompany and guide me in my healing.

Since you are still in college, ask your school's Health Services whether they have a counsellor with whom you can talk to. You can also go to your local Rape Crisis Centre, or call RAINN at 1-800-6564673 (www.rainn.org).

I am glad that you have told your boyfriend and your family. It's good to not keep it inside of you, because it gnaws away at your soul. Talking about how you feel, about the nightmares, etc with those who are close to you is good and will bring you relief and support. Keeping a diary is also helpful for you healing, as it enables you to express your feelings, fears, worries and hopes with regards to the rapes and about life and general. It will enable you to see whether the rape has influenced your life, and how it has done so.

You can express your emotions, memories and feelings through creative means - through drawing, poetry, music and sports. Regular exercise will help alleviate anxiety and depression, too.

I also found that reading as much as I could about rape and healing was helpful. It shone light into the dark places that scared me, and gave me ideas about coping skills. Joining a support group might also be helpful if there is one where you are. Most often we feel shame and guilt and we think that we are the only one who feels this way, and that we ought to have gotten over it already. Talking to other women who have gone through sexual abuse makes us realize that we are not alone in feeling this way. And it's such a relief to be able to talk to people who understand exactly what we are thinking, feeling, questioning. I didn't have a support group in real life, but the boards in iVillage were my online support group.

This board will be read-only starting on Monday, but you can always come to the Crisis Centre:Rape and Suicide if you would like to talk. I am the CL of that board, so you won't have to go to a board where you know no one. I have a great co-CL on that board whom I am sure that you will like, too.

I hope to see you on the Crisis Board, and in the meantimes I wish you all the best.

Welcome to the board, Ladyshabazz,

I am glad that you have found us. My story is somewhat the same, too yet different. I am a survivor of child molestation and two rapes. The two rapes were date rapes. The first by a boyfriend and the second by a guy I barely knew but who was a friend of a few friends of mine.

If you've not arranged to see a counsellor or a therapist if you've not already done so. The faster you work on the issues, the faster you will heal and the less it will impact your life. I know it already has influenced your life. Rape is a life-changing experience, and something that you nor I will ever forget. But with therapy, a throughout healing is possible. Burying the whole matter doesn't work (I know this from expeirence) as the past and the truth tend to resurface until they are dealt with, and they tend to resurface in a rather dramatic manner (I know this from experience, too).

You can get a referral to a counsellor or a therapist either from your doctor, from a Crisis Center near you or by calling RAINN (1-800-656 6743).

Ladyshabazz, I am glad that the perpetrator is in jail. Whilst this probably brings one sort of relief, you will still have to work through your feelings and the issues surrounding the rape (the fear, the worry, the tendency to stay at home and stay by yourself, the anger, the sleep disturbances, etc).

This board will be a read-only board starting from Monday the 5th of September, but I do hope that you will come to the Crisis Center: Rape and Suicide when you need to talk. I am the CL there, and both my co-CL and I are there to listen to you. Talking helps a lot, and talking on these boards help a lot. So please drop by and tell us how you are doing, okay?

All my best to you,