Rape Survivors

Hi everyone,

I am new to this board, but I'm really struggling so I thought I'd look for more help. My recent assault was not rape, but it has really left me shaken up. I am extremely jumpy and panicky.

On a recent camping trip there was a single middle aged man camping 2 sites over from me. I was also camping by myself. I am so stupid. Why did I think that was a good idea? I felt from the beginning that he was a threat, but still didn't listen to my inner alarms. He said hi and seemed okay. I guess I want to believe that people are generally good. He invited me over for campfire and I went, since I had no wood to make my own fire. He exposed himself to me, but I don't know if he knows that I saw. I excused myself and got the heck out of there. I didn't sleep that night. Then he was standing outside my tent masturbating. I didn't sleep for three nights. The third day I decided I'd go to canadian tire and buy a knife (convincing myself that it's something I need in my camping gear) but really I had decided if he tried to come into my tent that night I would stab him. I can't believe I thought that. I actually started thinking about killing someone! It's my own fault for putting myself in that situation in the first place. I couldn't spend the rest of my life in jail. So I decided maybe I should just let him do his thing and then there will be the chance that he may or may not kill me. Luckily I got picked up that day and found a place to stay in the city. (I don't drive so I wasn't going anywhere on my own).

Well that's my most recent escapade. I was assaulted as a child and have not been able to stand up for myself and say no since and end up getting hurt again and again.

aj

Hi AJ,

I also posted to you at the Crisis Center, but here's a copy of my post:

Hi AJ, and welcome to our community.

I think that a lot of victims of sexual abuse have a hard time standing up for themselves and saying 'no'. When assault or abuse happens, our boundaries are destroyed and it is often very difficult to create new boundaries with other people. I know that I was that way for a very, very long time until I finally dealt with the child molestation and the rapes.

Have you ever told anyone about the assault that happened when you were a child? Have you told anyone about the most recent assault? AJ, assault does not fall under the category of an escapade. For me an escapade is something good that I do out of the ordinary. What that man did was a crime, and it was committed against you.

This is the website for RAINN: www.rainn.com and for Womennet.ca You'll be able to find links to Crisis Centers there. They will be able to tell you where you can go to see a counsellor.

I really do urge you to see a counsellor or a therapist. They will be able to help you deal with the child abuses and assaults and their consequences on your day-to-day life. They will be able to help you re-establish your boundaries, to help you break any negative pattern you might have and replace them with positive actions, and to teach you positive coping skills.

It wasn't stupid of you to go camping alone. I don't camp alone, but I do travel alone. AJ, your priority has to be your own personal safety, but this doesn't mean that you have to handle everything by yourself. It is okay to call the authorities and tell them what is happening, and ask them to do something.

Tell us how you are doing, okay, and in the meantime, keep safe.

Best,

Thank you for the welcome Poppy.

I'm surprised I never thought about it, but you're probably right about the boundary issue.

No, I haven't told anyone about the childhood and adolescent assault/abuse, not really. I didn't deny it when my pdoc asked on the intake interview. I told the people at SAH board that something happened, but I haven't told my story.

My plan was to call the sexual assault centre and talk to someone there, but I haven't gotten around to it. Maybe I'm not ready for it. But it's all so painful now with a new assault on top of it.

I spend every day in fear, jumping at the slightest thing, shaking out of my skin. It is totally irrational since he has no idea where I live or my last name or anything. I think he does know the city and first name and that I go to school here...now that I think about it, I'm shaking in my boots again.

You know me from another board, but I use a different user name to talk about this kind of thing. I put a lot of personal info under my other name and even a picture, so I don't want that information connected to this story. If you know who it is, great. If not, you can email me through my profile, but let me know here first so it doesn't go out in the junk mail.

Well that's it for now, I'm about to burst into tears.

aj

Sweets, I DO know you.

You can email me at libelulle@gmail.com

Lots of hugs, sweetie. This board is going to close in a few moments, so you can either email me or we can talk on the Crisis board, okay? You'll like Karen very much.

More hugs,