Self-Esteem Support

Step 1: Identify troubling conditions or situations

Think about the conditions or situations that you find troubling and that seem to deflate your self-esteem, such as dreading a business presentation, frequently becoming angry or always expecting the worst. You may be struggling with a change in life circumstances, such as the death of a loved one, job loss or children leaving home, or a relationship with another person, such as a spouse, family member or co-worker.

Step 2: Become aware of beliefs and thoughts

Once you've identified troubling conditions or situations, pay attention to your thoughts related to them. This includes your self-talk — what you tell yourself — and your interpretation of what the situation means. Your thoughts and beliefs may be positive, negative or neutral. They may be rational — based on reason or facts — or irrational — based on false ideas.

Step 3: Pinpoint negative or inaccurate thinking

Notice when your thoughts turn toward the negative. Your beliefs and thoughts about a situation affect your reaction to it. Negative thoughts and beliefs about something or someone can trigger physical, emotional and behavioral responses, such as:

• Physical responses. These may include muscle tension, a sore back, racing heart, stomach problems, sweating or changes in sleeping patterns.
• Emotional responses. These may include difficulty concentrating, or feeling depressed, angry, sad, nervous, guilty or worried.
• Behavioral responses. These may include eating when not hungry, avoiding tasks, working more than usual, spending increased time alone, obsessing about a situation or blaming others for your problems.

Step 4: Challenge negative or inaccurate thinking

Your initial thoughts may not be the only possible way to view a situation. So test the accuracy of your thoughts. Ask yourself whether your view is consistent with facts and logic or whether there might be other explanations for the situation.

You may not easily recognize inaccuracies in your thinking, though. Most people have automatic, long-standing ways of thinking about their lives and themselves. These long-held thoughts and beliefs feel normal and factual to you, but many are actually just opinions or perceptions.

These kinds of thought patterns tend to erode self-esteem:

• All-or-nothing thinking. You see things as either all good or all bad. For example, "If I don't succeed in this task, I'm a total failure."
• Mental filtering. You see only negatives and dwell on them, distorting your view of a person or situation. For example, "I made a mistake on that report and now everyone will realize I'm not up to this job."
• Converting positives into negatives. You reject your achievements and other positive experiences by insisting that they don't count. For example, "I only did well on that test because it was so easy."
• Jumping to negative conclusions. You reach a negative conclusion when little or no evidence supports it. For example, "My friend hasn't replied to my e-mail, so I must have done something to make her angry."
• Mistaking feelings for facts. You confuse feelings or beliefs with facts. For example, "I feel like a failure, so I must be a failure." No matter how strong a feeling is, it isn't a fact.
• Self put-downs. You undervalue yourself, put yourself down or use self-deprecating humor. This can result from overreacting to a situation, such as making a mistake. For example, "I don't deserve anything better."

Step 5: Change your thoughts and beliefs

Once you've identified negative or inaccurate thinking you can replace it with accurate thoughts and beliefs. This can enable you to find constructive ways to cope, and give your self-esteem a boost.

It takes time and effort to learn how to recognize and replace distressing thoughts with accurate ones. Thoughts often occur spontaneously or automatically. They can they can be hard to control or turn off. Thoughts also can be very powerful and aren't always based on logic.

These strategies may help you:

• Use hopeful statements. Treat yourself with kindness and encouragement. Pessimism can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. That is, if you think your presentation isn't going to go well, you may indeed stumble through it. Try telling yourself things such as, "Even though it's tough, I can handle this situation."
• Forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Mistakes aren't permanent reflections on you as a person. They are isolated moments in time. Tell yourself, "I made a mistake, but that doesn't make me a bad person."
• Avoid 'should' and 'must' statements. If you find that your thoughts are full of these words, you may be putting unreasonable demands on yourself — or on others. Removing these words from your self-talk can give you and others more realistic expectations.
• Focus on the positive. Think about the good parts of your life. Ask yourself, "What things have gone well recently?" "What skills do I have to help me cope with challenging situations?"
• Relabel upsetting thoughts. Having negative thoughts doesn't mean you must choose to react negatively. Instead, think of them as signals to use new, healthy thinking patterns. Ask yourself, "What can I think and do to make this less stressful?"
• Encourage yourself. Give yourself credit for making positive changes. Tell yourself, "I did a good job on the presentation. It may not have been perfect, but my colleagues said it was good."

Achieving healthy self-esteem

With practice, these steps may come more easily to you. You'll be better able to recognize the thoughts and beliefs that are contributing to your low self-esteem. Because self-esteem can fluctuate over time, you may want to revisit these steps, especially if you begin to feel down on yourself again. Keeping a journal or daily log can help you track trouble spots over time.

Achieving a balanced, accurate view of yourself and accepting your value as a person can help you feel happier and more confident. And that may rub off on others too, including your children, family and friends.

(source: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-esteem/MH00129)

This would be an excellent exercise for those of us on the board.  Very useful.  Mind if I try?

Step 1: Identify troubling conditions or situations

• Attending my college classes
• Having to interact with my dss's mother
• Interviewing for student practicums

Step 2: Become aware of beliefs and thoughts

• Negative/Irrational
• Negative/Rational
• Negative/Irrational

Step 3: Pinpoint negative or inaccurate thinking

• Attending my college classes - Physical:  Fatigue, achey.  Emotional:  Difficulty concentrating, sad, lonely, frustration.  Behavioral:  Withdraw from others, obsessing about being the oldest one in the class.
• Having to interact with my dss's mother - Physical:  Nauseated, aggitated, headache.  Emotional:  Anger, anger and disgust.  Behavioral:  Grab dss and leave before I lose control of my words.
• Interviewing for student practicums - Physical:  Nervous stomach, hyper.  Emotional:  Stressed, ADD(LOL), feeling inadequate.  Behavioral:  Talk too much, fidget, gasp for air (LOL).

Step 4: Challenge negative or inaccurate thinking

• Mental filtering for sure.  Also, Mistaking feelings for facts. I may sometimes be the oldest in the class, but I am not the only one my age or older in the department of the university.   Also, just because I feel old, while in class, doesn't mean that I really am old in life.
• I may be jumping to negative conclusions when interacting/dealing with my dss's mother, however, past experience has taught me to expect it.  I would love to expect good from her, but I can't change who she is, but I can limit the interactions with her.  I really hate how I feel and what I think about this woman.  I really do.
• This would probably include All or nothing since I have had difficulty obtaining professional jobs before.  The other would be Self Put-Downs, which would most likely include, "I'm not smart enough, young enough, pretty enough,or thin enough". 

Step 5: Change your thoughts and beliefs

• Age has nothing to do with life.  It is not a determinant to experience, wisdom, likes/dislikes or personality.  Remember, if you do this at an older age, the likely of you returning to re-train to another field is less than those of a younger age.  I'm doing it right, this last time.
• I really don't know any way to change my thoughts and beliefs with this woman.  She is a narcissist.  All I can do is limit my thoughts and time.  When I start to think about her, if I change my thought, hopefully this will keep the toxicity out of me.
• The times that I did not receive a particular job in this field, was because where I was applying did not have a use for my skills.  I was willing to do the job, but they felt that I would get bored and leave.  Self put-downs:  I have a reasonably high I.Q., youth is not always wanted in this field, pretty is not a necessity in this field:  I am groomed well and appropriately dressed and I am not ugly either, I am overweight, but healthy and able to drop the weight.

Okay, that took a while, but it was somewhat helpful, for me.  I think that next time I find myself in these circumstances, I will be more open to a different attitude toward myself.  Thanks.

Oh by the way, one of my classmates is getting to do his practicum at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota.  Nice on the resume'.  He's from Minnesota, so I'm sure he'll be glad to return home.