Self-Esteem Support

Hello I am new to this board. I just feel that I need to get this out. My whole life I have tried to be a good person. I worked my behind off at school, college, university and for my post grad. I was always given the impression that education was the key but now I beg to differ. Perhaps a knack for getting out there in the world or entreprenueral skill are key.

I am in my early to mid twenties and still live at home. I have no job (am actively looking) and am living in mental agony. I was in a long term relationship up until last year when he ended it due to his personal issues. I always thought we would move in together, he lead me to believe this for a year until I realised it wasnt going to happen- then he broke it off. I was and am still heartbroken, I have waited for him for a year but feel I need to move on now.

On the outside I appear to be an educated, intelligent, forward moving young woman. I am a skilled professional (albeit without a job at the moment). But on the inside I am crumbling. I have only a handful of friends who my relationships with are satisfactory to differing degrees but not consistent. Whilst I am grateful for the small number of girlfriends I do have I feel that my problems are like water off a ducks back to them. They offer advice but I dont feel they can really empathise with what I am going through. Two of them have similar issues regarding the men in their lives but I only speak to these friends every now and then and they are otherwise unavailable. Generally I am isolated and rarely see my friends as they are getting on with their lives.

My home life is awful. I have a dysfunctional family. My mother is aggressive and has violent tendancies. My father is a doormat. One minute we will all be getting along then somebody says the wrong thing and all hell breaks out. I have not been on a proper holiday in nearly five years as my parents are 'artistes' and would rather spend all their resources on their precious 'work'. It has been this way my whole life. When I suggest we go on holiday as a family they are dismissive. My mother says 'you're too old for that now, you should be going on holiday with your friends'. That isnt an option right now as I dont have the money and none of my friends have ever suggested it- opting to go with other friends, boyfriends or their families- so part of me wonders why I should bother.

My ex is still on the scene. He phones me when he is not in his deep depression. Whenever I phone him though its normally a disaster. He ends up crying down the phone in his own pity and I end up even more depressed.

There rarely ever seems to be any happy times in my life. This is really getting me down. I hope to live and work abroad next year- to get away from here and see the world- If I get onto the programme I am applying for. However I just cant seem to catch a break on the job side of things. Despite being a qualified professional I guess my lack of experience and travel disadvantages me. Even my agency work has dried up- possibly due to the recession and other factors.

Right now I dont know what to do. Is it even worth me applying to permenant job posts if I dont plan on sticking it out for more than 6/7 months because I want to travel? I really need some money, should I just downgrade my job prospects and look for something lower paid so that I can earn some money, would I be comprimising my integrity?

Sorry for the really long post but I really need some help. Thank you for listening.

hey, welcome to the board. have you thought about temp work? it doesn't usually offer any benefits like insurance but because of that the pay is generally higher and you can quit any time. you may also be able to find work somewhat related to your field (you mentioned "agency", so i'm guessing advertising?) so that would help you build up some experience. you could also look into volunteering; i know it doesn't pay but it might help boost your mood to do something good for someone else.

as far as your ex is concerned, i think that you need to move on, too. i know that you guys were together for a long time but holding out for him, talking to him, etc., isn't good for you right now. maybe in a few years you'll be able to talk to him without becoming upset, but at the moment i would try to stay away from him whenever possible. basically anything that makes you feel sad, down or depressed needs to be avoided for your own sake. that being said, whenever you are feeling blue (or just bored) try and do something good for yourself: take a walk, watch a funny movie, write in your journal, work on your resume, take a bubble bath (my favorite), go to the gym (if you can afford to), do a craft project, browse the bookstore or library, etc. i know how easy it is to get stuck in a rut but it's little things like that that can help you get unstuck.

and friends - i don't think anyone can ever totally empathize with what you go through. i think it can be close but never really 100%. i do believe that your girlfriends have your best intentions at heart and that they do care about you, but unfortunately everyone has their own stuff to deal with. so try and appreciate what they can offer but remember that only you can make yourself feel better. you are moving forward with your life, like they are, but at the moment you may just be in the slow lane.

again, welcome to the board, and please feel free to post or vent whenever you feel like it.

p.s. i lived at home til i was 27.

Hi sunny-petal1.  First of all, I would like to say that you have amazing strength.  I don't know that all of us could have experienced all that you have gone through and still have enough light, to create a nickname such as "sunny-petal".  That's great!!  Good for you!!

As I said, from what you have written, you have had a lot to deal with.  I can imagine that  you are tired of your life, as your title stated.  I think you are headed in the right direction by looking for a job elsewhere.  I admire people that have the strength to pick up and move somewhere else for a job, or even the possibility of a better life.  Good for you!!  Being out from under the doom of the people you have described here, can only be beneficial to your growth.  It reads as though you have been carrying everyone elses burdens.  Perhaps it's time to let them carry their own.  As long as other people are allowed to dump this toxic waste onto you, they will. 

You have accomplished a lot at such a young age.  I assume when you say post-graduate, that you have your PhD or are a candidate for one.  I think happy.pants had a good idea about temp work.  There are a lot of advantages to working PRN or temporary positions.  Many professionals work PRN.  It's a good opportunity to look at what's out there.

My dh and I had a discussion the other day.  He appears to think that I just LOVE what I do!!  LOL.  I hate being a student and if I had the opportunity to work where my passion lies, it would not be in social work.  I would be making furniture!!  Since that will not support anyone at this time, it is a hobby.  Who knows, maybe by the time I'm ready to retire....I will be able to support myself through my passion and move to Sedona Arizona....!! ;o) 

My point is that sometimes, the roads we end up going down, actually provide us with opportunities that we are unaware of, until we get on that road. 

Personally, I found your thread very impressive.  I think you have a great future ahead of you...if....(LOL)...you pass the burdens back to their owners.  By carrying the load for other people, you are basically telling them that you do not believe they are capable of doing it for themselves.  Is that what you want to say?  Probably not.

Lack of good friends is proably the biggest complaint heard on this board and many others.  It seems to be a consequence of our lifestyle and culture.  Just as families used to live together as generations, we nw think we are suppose to leave as soon as we can.  I once read that the average child returns home 5 times.  And that the average age for leaving home now is in the late 20's.  I think our economy may end up bringing a few more families together. 

I think you are on the right path, just overloaded!!  Keep moving forward.

Blessings

cl-happypants thanks for your suggestions on doing certain activities, I have been thinking about this myself and am trying to shake off the bad feelings to motivate myself to do creative things in my spare time. I am also thinking about opting for lower paid temping jobs that I am over qualified to do because of the recent shortage- I don’t know if this will lower my self esteem though. Volunteering is an option although I won’t be going on any travels if I don’t gain some kind of paid work.

I agree with what you’re saying about friends. I totally agree that we are all just trying to do the best we can and at the end of the day, we don’t pay each others bills nor are we going to walk down the aisle together! So I have to try and focus solely on me as that’s mostly what my situation permits. I do hope at some point in my life though I will meet more reliable and sturdy people. After all who will be my bridesmaids and godmothers to my children?! lol!

 n2ishn thanks for your encouragement. Unfortunately my hardship has just become 'life' to me. I hardly regard myself as 'going through' anything anymore. My situation with my ex is very complicated and I’m his only friend and if I deserted him I couldn’t trust that he wouldn’t do something silly. I don’t want to go too much into it as I must stay positive about it but if you look at what I have said about the nature of our phone conversations it may enlighten you a little. As for my parents I really do want to shed the burdens they have put on my shoulders,I have no qualms about doing this, but can I really desert my ex when I’m his only friend in the world? I still love and care about him. I know he deserted me, but for valid reason i.e. not being in the position to be in a relationship. 

Enough said.  Only you are there and only you know what the reality is. 

Have you considered maybe starting some kind of transition discussions with the ex, if you are planning on leaving the area, though?  Might be something to consider.