Self-Esteem Support

Thank you in advance to all who read and comment.  :)

I am a 34 year old woman who is a survivor of child abuse and neglect.  The bad news and challenge -- that it basically ruined my self esteem and took me years to even become self-aware enough of the shame that kept me from making good decisions for myself. The good news -- I am really feeling great now, making good decisions, learning to view myself positively, to shed my shame habits, and live my life - finally - for me.

I need sincere advice and support. I am feeling really alone. I can't get into see my counselor for a few weeks due to finances.

I quit school - twice. As a 22 year old - I left before finishing my BA. I got very sick -- almost died. My parents were not supportive and didn't give me good advice to forge through and finish my BA, I was alone - and I quit. 8 years later - I went back to try to finish, got close to finishing --- only needed a year left. THen , I got robbed and  was seriouslly burned out - I had a mini-breakdown. I couldn't handle the financial stress while being alone - seriously alone - having gone through a divorce.

Now - I am living 4 years later - married to a great man -- getting good counseling and support-- in another part of the country trying to heal and get myself back on track.... I would have to transfer my stuff ---now, much of it won't transfer at 12 years later --- I effectively almost have to start over to finish my BSN. ..while being 90,000 in debt for stafford/plus loans with no degree.

Its so frustrating and I am seriously ashamed. I lie to people to cover up the fact that I feel like a huge failure. I was an overachieving child with a great future --- and I totally screwed it all up. The truth is I had no support, no good role models, etc. ...and I have to tell myself this and forgive myself...but inside ---sigh...its hard.

Now, I want to finish -- but I would have to take out another 30,000 or so to finish, because at this point, I can't work while I go to school - I know my stress limits with PTSD. My husband is supportive and fine with that.( I don't have kids)...I am already on medication --- I can't do much more.

My "friends" are telling me that I am INSANE for continually racking up all this debt, that I might as well give up and cut my losses....or to go to school part time at night while working full time. They dont' understand that I don' thave the stamina to do all of that. And why should I settle for the rest of my life working an unfulfilling job - when I coudl do more ? If I try to work and do school - I am scared I will burn out again - really I know that I can't do that. They don't understand that truly ---I am a special case, due to my past I don't have the mental capacity to stress myself anymore.

I feel ashamed. I feel like I am not worth the money. I hate myself for what I have done --- and sometimes I just want to crawl in a hole and die. I work in an office for practically nothing --- and I know that I have more potential --

I could use some advice, insight, or anything to help me cut myself some slack, get the nerve to walk BACK in the classroom, and live wtih the fact that I racked up 120-140,000 in debt for something that should have never taken this long or been even half this much.

Thank you --- so much - for reading this.....

welcome to the board, souldancer. i agree that you need to cut yourself some slack. you left school the first 2 times due to circumstances over which you had no control. it's not your fault that you were ill, and it's not your fault that you were robbed. it's also not your fault that your parents weren't supportive. so, why blame yourself?

you may have had a rough past but in spite of that you've managed to get your act together. that doesn't make you a failure by any means; i think that's just the overachieving child in you talking. if you want to go back to school, and you can afford it, then go. 140K is a fair amount to pay back, but education is invaluable. (and i know people who went to med school who are 250K in debt, so that puts you somewhere in the middle.) just think about how proud you'll feel when you graduate!

Congratulations on making the choice to return.  Let me share a little information here:  I started college in 1968.  I graduated with my bachelor’s degree in 2004.  Yep, you read it right.  Life does have a way of interrupting.  I am now about to complete my master’s degree.  I will graduate in May 2010 at 60 years old.  It’s not about whether or not you finished, it’s about whether or not you got yourself back up again and not quit.  You haven’t quit yet, so don’t keep treating your past as though you have.

I have shared on this board before that I do not believe in “failure”.  Life simply gives us challenges and turns that lead us down a different path once in a while.  Each journey provides us with further knowledge that will be useful in the times to come.  There is no such thing as “failure”.  You can “choose” not to do something at that time, but it doesn’t mean that you may not choose to re-visit later.  No such thing as “failure”.

The other symptoms that you are demonstrating toward yourself, I would guess are related to your past experience with the abuse.  I would suggest that you read some of the writings of Joyce Meyer.  I know that she is a teacher of the Bible, but most of her writings come from good sense.  She was sexually abused throughout her childhood by her father until the age of 15.  She describes her opinion of herself and her worth much as what you have described.  She is not a “Bible Thumper”.

Stay with your counselor too.  There may also be the option of counseling at the university you will be attending.

You are right….”walking back into a classroom” is not easy.  You may be fighting it off and on until you graduate.  You may get frustrated with the inexperience and immaturity demonstrated by your classmates and you may want to yell at the professors….”Get off campus once in a while and get back to reality!”  But, focus on the prize.  As my husband keeps telling me….if nothing else…I have learned patience.  LOL.

Keep posting and don’t let your fears rule!!

I can't say I have a whole lot of advice for you, other than keep trying! But I can absolutely sympathize with the debt, the dead-end jobs, wanting more...

I was the over-achieving kid as well. And I did pretty well... I did go right to college, and finished with a BS in chemistry. I didn't know what I wanted to do with that right away, but soon I decided to try teaching and got a masters. I taught for a few years, but I guess I'm not cut out for it... after getting fired, nervous breakdowns, not getting rehired... I gave up.

So now I'm facing the thought of going back to school again... because the 2 degrees I have (and racked up $70K in debt for) are useless to me. I've never felt so worthless or purposeless in my life. I completely understand not wanting to work and go to school at the same time; I work full-time now in a brainless job and I can barely handle that. I can't imagine adding school back on... when I go back it'll have to be online.

Just know you're not the only one :)