re: Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007message #: 7917.486 in response to 7917.485
Well, it's been a long hot fall! instead of the usual long hot summer!
temperature here 36 celsius/high nineties fahrenheit. sweating.
also sweating because I've finally realized I have truly crossed the line and entered intomenopause. hot flashes. well, at age 54, iguess it's about time. it took awhile to adjust to the sudden sweats followed by the cold. with the air conditioner on, i would still go through sweat and then cold.
well, i guess tht's important because it probably is making the current depression worse. not that i'm depressed about passing into menopause. far from it. childbearing hasn't been an issue./and i'm glad the menstruation is over. when i was still getting my periods, i had to separate from myhusband periodically--in keeping with Orthodox Jewishlaw. thank G-d that's over with. get to be with him all the time! laugh!
seriously, I don't even know why I wrote all of this blurb, it just came out.
Well, coaching graduation was indeed a red-letter day, as they say, but since then it's been difficult.
I was just rereading some of the messages on this thread. my parents are coming tomorrow! I swear--shouldn't swear really,but you know what I mean--I feel absolutely nothing! no feelings about it! just dead! my therapist says that is progress, can you believe it? before I was all hyped up and tense about it. at least, according to him, this neutral feeling is improvement! talk about reframing thoughts! i guesss he's right.
and he seems to be right about a lot of things. like-----going back on the meds. something I definitely resisted and did not want to do. but the last month has been horrendous! everything coming undone. the main reson, the only reason, the Jewish holidays were so enjoyable--which they were--was because I did not have to touch the computer, think about business, or anything stressful. but before they came, (mid-Sept.), and as seen as they were over, (early Oct.), all the stress and tension returned--as if they had never left, as if there hadn't een been a break for the holidays!
a freak spate of continuous computer failures, each one just making mefeel more doubtful. i had decided to learn how to do word processing on the computer.till now i was using an old lap-top which was a cinch to use.but the printer which it is connected to is kaput, for all intents and purposes, so it was a matter of no choice. i thought learning word processing would be easy. i downloaded a good online tutorial and went to work. but this item wouldn't work, that function wouldn';t work, and i botched up everything--all the software in the process. plus, i spilled coffee or tea on the keyboard, which ruined it. the scanner machine suddenly stalled. the fridge stopped working. the oven door fell off and broke. all of this just last week! the latest in a series of mishaps. a lot of time, money, and agravasion fixing it all up.
and that's also part of it. if i can't get a stupid word procesing thing to work, how am i going tomention a website? videos? audios? all the tech stuff they say you need for coaching?
if that wasn't enough, i also have a medical issue. not a pleasant one, either. i have a cyst in the rectal area and itbecame inflamed and sessed. a real pain in the butt--literally. well, the doctor gave me some antibiotics and ointments to bring it under control, but i now have to undergo a colonoscopy to see if there is something deeper. i'm scheduled for that in two weeks. meanwhile, i am experiencing pain when i have to relief myself.
i'm also very tense about my parents' visit. afraid they're going to ask me to come to the U.S. for a visit. i haven't been there for ten yers. i asked our spiritual advisr/clergyman about it and he said it will be hard to get out of it this time--afterall, it's myparents sixtieth anniversary. well, if i have to go, he said tomake it short and sweet--a few days, at most a week!
of course, Shabtai won't prevent it, but he's veryunhapy about it. and there is the practical quesiton--where he would stay while i'm gone. things are getting complicated by his parents. not that we live with them--welive across the street from them. his father has Alzheimer's and in the last few months the decline has been swift and brutal. his mother is stressed out trying to care for him. Shabtai and his sisters are trying to figure out how to get homehelp for his mothjer, so it all doesn't fall on her shoulders, but the red tape is incredible! and of course, it costs money, ifyou want anything more than a few paltry hours a week from the government run agencies.
and wht about coaching? passion totally gone. and my parents, as you can imagine, will probably be talking about all of these things: a visit to the States, now that I have my coaching degree, what am I doing about the business?, and Shabtai's family--they know about the developments, but haven't seen his parents since thelast visit. of course,there is the usual get-together, but logistically it's nowmore complicted. what to do with Shabtai's father. he can't be left alone. and taking him to a restaurant is complicted. he has no idea what is going on. and his mother is stressed out herself.
now, you may ask, what does all of this have to do with self-injury? right? after all, this is the si message board. (laugh). besides believing that you are genuinely interested in what is happening with me, the bitter truth is--my fingers are a bloody mess! i actually went out and got a pack of those gloves i used to where way back in the early days. evey finger on the right hand, except for the fourth, is a bloody mess, notr to mention some on the left hand. my prents will see it. how can theynot? and if i put on bandaids, they'lll see that, too. so really no good way to hide it. i understand this has to do with the depression, the self-loathing. that that is why i engage in si. i got that insight through therapy. knowing that makes it easier, but doesn't help. i gave up on even trying tofight the si. apathetic, angry,depressed, tense--depending when you askmehow i'm feeling.
i guess i thought i was smart--smart enough not to have to need to come here. perhaps smugness. i had gotten over it. right. now it feels like i'm almost at square one--not quite, of course, becauseyou never go back tosquare one, but pretty close.
plus the anger! such intense anger! at everyone,everything. and such pessimism and cynicism. as things broke down more and more, it got worse. i just wanted to be left alone.but when the computer broke and i couldn't use it,ihad nothing todo instead! i'm so dependent on it.
and although i feltvery spiritually connected during the holidays, that has also slipped away.
and the self-castigation. how can i pray after being so angry? anger, after all, is a very negative character trait, and my faithteaches that a cornerstone of spirituallity is character improvement.
i understand a lot of this has to do with thedepression. i'm not really like this. which is why i finally submitted to the meds. i was brought humbly to myknees, you might say.
plus, i'm anxious about my parents. if they say one critical thing--which iknow they probably will--i just may lose it and say what i really think, instead of remaining respectful.
so, if you're still reading after all of this! you got the picture?
and even after my parents leave, then i have to face the question: what do I do with myself now? my clergyman said he had doubts about this coaching thing, but to give it a try. if he had doubts, then what am i supposed to have?
and money is getting tighter. endless repair expenses.
oh, and i forgot about the elevator. all is going well, moving slowly through the corridors of the agencies that need to approve it. but one neighbor is putting up a fight. not that she has any legal claim--she does not. but it's difficult. i don't need this elevator,but Shabtai does. a lot of stress regarding that subject. plus, i hven't told my parents about it. i'm fraid some idiot will mention it. and that will be just onemorehassle with them.
so, my husband says i should read some Psalms before their visit--as does my rabbi--and that is a wise course. except--i don't feel like it! feel so spirituall disconnected.
well, i could say more. perhaps it's enough for now.
i thik it would be better to write morehere, or at least read the messages and respond to them. iwas doing better then than i am now. i never thought i'd be back in this slump. but i am.
Tziporah
p.s. i've typed this fast, and i'm sure there are typos, misspellings, words run into each other, etc. in the text. too tired toreread and correct it. sorry in advance.
re: Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007message #: 7917.487 in response to 7917.486
Wow. That's a lot Tziporah, big hugs. Of course I care what is going on with you, even if it doesn't have to do with self-injury. With so much going on, with mishaps in the last week that I couldn't even imagine, can you accept that this is understandably a difficult time? I know, even if you can give yourself permission to have had some setbacks with SI, your parents still would not see it the same. Unfortunately, it is so difficult for someone who is not/has not gone through it to understand. I can get how your tdoc would say your feelings toward your parents' visit is an improvement, after all you are not crippled by anxiety. I can also see how you are surprised by that and that feeling nothing seems so foreign, and that even though the anxiety isn't there, perhaps the positive exitement that is lacking takes away from seeing this as a better state to be in. I can understand that. For example, being bipolar, it's great when the depression goes away, but when the mania also does it can feel like feeling nothing. At which point, you want to feel something! I hope you will use the opportunity of reduced anxiety to find that happy and excited side and enjoy their visit and most importantly, take care of your health. Everything else can wait until after your parent's visit.
re: Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007message #: 7917.488 in response to 7917.486
Gosh so much going on! No wonder you're feeling stressed and you've fallen back to an old coping mechanism! Cos that's all it is you know...a coping mechanism! Well done for coping as well as you have! Computers are wonderful when they work, but they can be a complete pain when things don't work the way they're supposed to! And learning word processing can be quite complicated, there are a surprising amount of things that can go hinky! I can certainly understand the stress with your parents and feeling that you ought to go over there for their anniversary. That sounds like a stressful time, but it MIGHT just be enjoyable...are there people you could see while you're there? Of course, if your mother in law needs help with caring for your father in law, then that might be a reason for not going, though that sounds stressful in its own right! Alzheimer's is an illness that's hard on everyone around the sufferer as well as the patient themselves. It sounds like you're doing really well all things considered! You've had a LOT of stressors recently, so be gentle with yourself and don't beat yourself up over it all! Gentle hugs Chris
re: Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007message #: 7917.489 in response to 7917.488
Hi Amanda and Chris,
Thanks both of you for writing such encouraging messages. Instead of writing to each of you individually, I'm writing both of you together. Amanda, i HOPE YOU DON'T MIND i PUT IT UNDER cHRIS'S MESSAGE--ONLY DID SO BECAUSE IT'S THE LAST ONE.
Oops. just discovered i had capslock on.sorry!
Well, down to the nitty-gritty.
I went to the psychiatrist last night. Haven't been there for a year. You all might recall I stopped taking themeds by myself round about Jan. of last year, when I was taking a lot of antibiotics during my ongoing eye surgeries. She didn't seem too worried that I did that. She said, in fact, that it was good that I had lasted as long as i did without the antidepressants--about six months, until things started to fall apart again.
considering all the major things that have happened in the interim, since last Jan., things like: my eye surgeries, Shabtai'shospitalization in April, working hard to finish coaching school, Shabtai's parents' problems, graduating from coaching school, the downturn in the world economy, the problems with the computer, learning new computer things, etc., etc., etc., she said i indeed had coped pretty well. but, now there was a setback and i had to deal with it. she gave me mg20 of paxxel and said to come back in six months. she really seemed very encouraging about it--concerned, of course, but not unduly worried. she said this kind of thing happens quite a lot--people go off the meds and do okay for awhile and then need them again. she also said i might be able to get along without them again in the future--but not now.
of course she was glad i'm still intherapy. i imagine that has made a lot of difference.
you are right, Amanda, about how my t. regards the non-feeling about my parents: better than the old anxiety. i didn't think about it in terms of the depression--feeling vs. non-feeling. i guess that could be a sign of the depression as well: no feeling at all. i don't know which is better: no feeling or feeling a strong negative emotion. both have their pros and cons, you might say.
as for the si, you are also right, Amanda, that outsiders can't really understand it. and, Chris, you are also right that it is just an old coping mechanism. not perhaps the best copingf mechanism, but still a way of dealing with it. remember the discussion awhile back on this board about whether it's legitimate to use si as a coping mechanism or not? i think that you, Chris, thought it was. correct me if i'm wrong.
i remember when i was going through IVF that one of the nurses would make comments about my nail-biting/cuticle-tibitng. i thought this was quite unfair, especially since she smoked herself. to me, what is the difference between my habit and hers? why should her habit of smoking be legitimate and socially acceptable, and mine, not be regarded likewise? after all, isn't she also injuring herself? only, that it isn't a visible self-injury like ours are. but it is still self-9injury: tarring her lungs, possible cancer, etc., and just as si has its unappealing side: the scars, etc., what about the bad odor from smokers? this is not meant to deplore those who smoke, although i personally am against it. rather, i think the comparison was unfair.
but, getting back to my original point, which got lost, (i always go off on tangents), she couldn't understand where i was coming from.
anyway, the visit so far has gone as expected, but with a few surprises along the way.
my parents have made comments about the apartment, but i pre-empted it by saying that if they were going to just walk in and start doing things, they weren't welcome. my t. said to do that. so, when my dad wanted to change a picture on the wall, he asked permision first. that made me more open to his idea and i accepted his offer.
they've also made some comments about my weight. my t. said to say somethinglike: "you will just have to accept me as ia m." i found i have been able to say these kinds of comments and it helps. i feel hurt, but less so, when i am able to react this way. other times, when they say something negative, i try tomake a joke about it.
my parents are staying at a hotel in Tel Aviv, which is about 45 minutes from where I live. often, my dad drives me home by himself. he said, the other night, that he "enjoyed my company." that was nice.
the surprises have come in the fact that my parents have aged. everything takes longer. they are in their mid-eighties. my dad is in super shape--goes to the gym every day, or almost, and my mom is not bad, either. except--she's showing the early signs of "losing it"--senility. and my husband, whose English is okay, but not totally fluent, can even pick it up. she repeats herself all the time.
plus, when they got here, the first day, my sister called with the bad news that someone had passed away from the fmaily in the States--it happened to be my dad's cousin and he had been responsible for her care, as she was alone without anyone tohelp. she had never married. it was very difficult for him having to arrange things from six thousand miles across the world. so, m y sister and i and him had these long phone calls trying to arrange everything. Jewish custom is to have the funeral quickly--not like the Christian practice of lying in state, etc. so time was a factor. and just not being there.
this major event, of course, meant that we suddenly had important things to talk about and my dad needed our help to deal with it. so, for the first few days that was the dominating topic and concern.
now, that that's all finished with, things have gone back to the typical pattern. very little to talk to them, or with them, about. and what there is, my mom repeats it over and over again.
yesterday she said that instead of coming for a twelve day visit--the current time frame that they have been using for the past few years, next year she wants to come for a full two weeks! i could have cried. it left me feeling depressed the rest of the day.
Shabtai says not to worry about it. with things as they are, he pointed out, who knows what will be by next year? this is true. still, just the thought of it--i felt despair.
just like i did the first few hoursof their visit, before the news broke about the death of this relative. after the usual topics, there was nothing to talk about. we just sat in silence. to escape, i went out on their hotel balcony, obsensibly toget some sun, but really to escape. i was so bored, bored to tears. and that's what i have coming up now--another six days with very little to do. and of course, as they said, their main reason for being here is tosee me, so it'snot like i can just not see them. and if i do, it's for a few hours each day, at the very least. writing this now, the only thing that comes to mind is that i have the opportunity to fulfill te NBiblical commandment of honoring my parents--a commandment which is considered one of the major commandments of my faith, and a very difficult one to properly do at that. perhaps i should focus on that.
anyway, i have to stop here and get dressed. they're coming in about half an hour. we're going to Jerusalem and Shabtai is coming with us. that should be fun.
Tziporah
re: Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007message #: 7917.490 in response to 7917.489
Hello, everyone,
Here is an update on how things are going.
The visit in Jerusalem, on Tuesday, which Shabtai, myhusband, joined my parents and me, was quite enjoyable. Last night we saw a concert, something we always do--I should say, heard a concert, as it was classical music. Very enjoyable. Both my parents and I enjoy classical music, so that when they come we always try to get something in as far as concerts go.
I was very tensed up yesterday--thought i'd have to bee with them all day. But, as it turned out, we didn't get together till mid-afternoon. Most of the day, beforehand, sat at home and tried to relax. Couldn't concentrate on much. Learned some Scriptures.
On Tuesday night, took the first increment of the paxxil--the psychiatrist said to start with mg5 and work up to mg20 over a few weeks. already, after taking the first pill, had a bad vivid dream. really crazy. in the dream, I had started a fire on a grassy lot in front of an apartment house in our neighborhood. then, after discovering what i had done, wanted to hide the evidence, but couldn't figure out how to get rid of the matches! i realized, in the dream, that even if i just threw them away, the forenzic people would come and start checking for finger prints and they would find my fingerprints on thematches and i would be incriminated, doomed. meanwhile, the fire was spreading and i had to call for help. some passers-by came along and i told them there was this fire. of course, i couldn't just leave the scene. i was trying to act innocently, as if i didn't know how it happened, although, of course, i was the one who started the fire! my husband knows i have bad dreams when i'm going off or on the meds--during the readjustment phases, and i told the dream to him. it sounded so absurd as to be insane and ridiculous. perhaps it was this craziness, the craziness of the dream itself, that took away its frightening aspect. all i could think of afterwards was that this dream shows just how consumed i am with guilt feelings about a lot of things--and this part is true. and hiding the evidence--the whole thing about honesty vs. falseness.
i feel like this whole thing with coaching is phony. like i'm talking to my parents about getting my website up and started, when, in fact, i'm not even sure that's what i want to be doing. and there's a ton of guilt feelings surrounding my parents--the guilt feelings about how i feel towards them.
my t. is not a big believer in dream analysis--i mean, he doesn't go in for dream interpretation and all of that. his approach is usually just toignore them. still, i engage in it myself. it is sometimes instructive. though, most likely, without this pill, i would probably never even have had this dream.
yesterday, Wednesday, my mom just kept repeating herself endlessly about how wonderful the concert was. i started to feel like i was losing my patients. my dad is a saint. he takes it all so calmly, so patiently.
after the concert, my dad dropped her at the hotel before taking me home. during that time alone with him, i brought up the topic about their coming for two weeks next year, as my mom had suggested. you may recall in my previous email i was depressed about that possibility--had put me in a bad mood most of Monday. i didn't want to say that i don't want a longer visit because of them, that i do not enjoy being with them. it would be insulting. instead, i just said that two weeks would be more difficult. as it is, my schedule is totally disrupted when they come. my dad got the point. his reaction, which surprised me, was identical to that of my husband: a lot can happen in a year. i actually enjoy being with my dad alone. he is very funny and easy to get along with. it is my mom who wears me down. she has always been obsessive, but now it's worse. the same thing twenty times. i just keep reminding myself it's her mental condition, not anything intentional. that helps.
i have to clarify--i do enjoy being with them--just not for two weeks, or almost two weeks, solid. and also, it is not enjoyable when, after five or six days, you're all talked out.
today we're supposed to be going to visit a family friend. i'd rather not go, but it's an obligation i have to do. the visit is one of those boring affairs--the same thing year after year, but i will get through it. then, there is the question about what to do the rest of the day. have no idea how tht will develop yet.
i guess you could say that with my t.'s help, i've been handling things better.
after all, i was able to express myself about not wanting a longer visit, after i had brooded about it. that's progress.
still, my cuticles are all bloody and red. last night one was bleeding when i went to bed. i guess you could say they, the cuticles, are baring the brunt of the tension.
Tziporah
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