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Sexual Abuse Healing

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I'm afraid to date anymore

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message #:
  11722.1
from:
  lorjv87
date:
  Oct-12 4:32 pm
replies:
  4

 

Hi. I'm new here. My names Lore. Anyway, I was raped back in August 2008. It was a stupid situation. I was out having a good time with my boyfriend at the time and he apparently slipped me a date rape drug in my drink. I was sick that night and said no sex so I guess that was his way of getting back at me. I broke up with him a couple weeks later when I realized what had happened.  I got counseling for a few months, but had to stop because it was costing me over 300 dollars a month for therapy so I am not seeing anyone to help. I also have not really told anyone expect for a few close friends and a church counselor. I don't really wanna ask anyone for help though because I don't think they'd want to help anyway.

Fast forward six months, and I met this really nice guy through a chat site online. He didn't seem like all the other guys I had met. He was nice, sensitive, and stood by me through my rape. But it turned into the same thing again. He just wanted me for my body and for sex. He began becoming controlling, pushy, and emotionally abusive. I finally broke up with him as hard as it was because it wasn't healthy.

Because of the rape and my previous relationship, truthfully I'm scared to date anymore. I feel dirty, disgusting, used, and like guys only see me as an object that they can sleep with then throw to the side. I'm extremely scared to get into another relationship for fear of a future abuse or rape. I don't want to be taken advantage of again. And I guess if that means being single the rest of my life then so be it. How do I get past this? And how can I find a man who will respect and honor me and not just want to control me or get into my pants?

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I'm afraid to date anymore

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message #:
  11722.2 in response to 11722.1
from:
  cl-melissacat66  Member Icon
to:
  lorjv87
date:
  Oct-15 4:31 pm
replies:
  4

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Hi Lore, welcome to the board, I'm glad you found us.
My name is Brenda and I am the cl here.
I apologize for not answering you before now, my computer was acting up and I wasn't able to post only read.
 
You are NOT at fault for what happened to you.  You said no and your boyfriend didn't honor that.  You have nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about.  Your boy friend is the only one at fault.
 
Don't feel alone many women who have been sexually abused have the same feelings about men as you do.  Rest assured there are men out there who are not only after your body.  My DH is an example but they are very hard to find.  As the saying goes I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found my Prince Charming.  There is no rule saying you have to have a man to be happy but many of us yearn to find one to spend the rest of our lives with.
 
I understand the feeling that no one would want to help any way.  BTDT.  As far as counseling would your church councilor be able to help you?  There are also places where you can get counseling on a sliding scale according to your income.  Check with social services they may be able to help you or maybe your church councilor could point you in the direction of some one who can help you.  IMHO therapy is a big help in the healing from sexual abuse.
 
As far as dating and finding the right man if that is what you want IMHO it is best to become friends first with no romantic intentions.  Get to know each other.  If he doesn't treat you with respect as a friend he won't treat you with respect as a girlfriend.  I know it is scary and can be very difficult.  If he tries something with in the first two to three dates he probably isn't the right one. 
 
I'm not sure if I helped at all I just hope there was some thing in my ramblings that will be of help to you.
 
Take care.
 
BRENDA
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I'm afraid to date anymore

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message #:
  11722.3 in response to 11722.1
from:
  nightangel67  Member Icon
to:
  lorjv87
date:
  Oct-17 3:43 pm
replies:
  4

~hugs~
My heart goes out to you.
It is hard and it may take a while for you to trust again.
Go with your gut instincts.
I feel the same way you do...and it's sad that because of bad experiences we build our walls up in order not to get hurt yet again.
It may be you do need to take a break from the dating scene...give yourself some time.
If you could do you think you would try counselling again?
Have you checked with a sexual assualt center in your area locally that might help?
This wasn't your fault...it was his.
I can empathize with you because after I broke up with my abusive ex I found myself feeling anyone I met was ONLY seemingly interested in ONE thing...
I want someone to love me for who I am and not interested in just that...sometimes like another poster said we may have to kiss a lot of frogs before we meet our prince.
Just know you aren't alone in feeling like this.
<3
Nightangel
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I'm afraid to date anymore

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message #:
  11722.4 in response to 11722.3
from:
  lovinghim4ever
to:
  nightangel67  Member Icon
date:
  Oct-21 10:21 pm
replies:
  4

dear "I'm afraid to date anyone",

I write you because I have been there. Almost the same story in fact, I was dating a guy who raped me after telling him no. I'm sure via a date rape drug as well. It left me feeling the same way. I, to this day, have trust issues but I met the most amazing man who loves me and whom I adore. I cry writing this to you because he gave me my life back. He is the love of my life and my hero. I warn you though that it may take a long time (it did for me) but when it happens (as it will) it will change your life. He will adore you and remind you of a time of innocence and trust in your life. Maybe you will never trust anyone again (I don't trust men) but you will trust him. That is all that matters. I hope that you find him soon because he will help you heal. My prayers are with you.
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