Sexual Abuse Healing

Hi, this is my first post to any of the boards and I feel that I'm going to enjoy being here.

I may have a shocking statement for the people on this board but I really DON'T want to be 'healed' regarding all the sexual abuse as well as other abuse I endured while I was a child and teenager.. I say this because my seething angers and hatred are actually the fire in the steam engine that fuels my drive to succeed. While others need to be 'healed' I flat don't because this drive is what's causing me to strive to get where I want to in life and to keep others from going through all the hell I went through. (it may help if you looked at my 'profile')

Even a raging fire can be the catalyst to drive a steam engine, provide heat, purify, as well as destroy. Since I've adjusted over time to all the damage that was caused to me growing up I've turned my raging fire into my best friend. It protects me, guards me, as well as drives me to go forward. After all my abuse I've become tough as nails but am also very compassionate toward others so not to harm any one. Their lives are ruff for them and they don't need me to load them up with a bunch of crap or burdening them with my tails of woe.

At this time I don't want to 'hook-up' with any guys. I know all their 'plays' in their 'play books' none of them can break through my shell unless they're invited in, but everything is done on my terms. In time I'll find a nice guy that I can trust but right now I'm not looking. If any guy tries to 'run one on me' I'll drive him into the ground so fast he won't know what hit him. Since I'm very cute and disarming I'm very sought after but with my past I can spot a jerk a mile a way. Boy is this a handy talent. ~ The nicest guy I know and trust right now is Josh, the roommate I live with. He and his step-sister are helping me bring out my softer side. ~ One rather interesting side effect of my past life is that I've become BI but I mostly like guys. I'll post all that on another board.  ~ ~ Otherwise I'll keep using all my 'fuel' going to keep driving me forward at full speed.

So here's my questions. - - - - How many other people out there are like me?  Is my 'fuel' that drives me a good thing or will ultimately burn out leaving me without anything left but the residual hatreds and angers?  ~ ~ Jackie-191 

How many other people out there are like me?  Is my 'fuel' that drives me a good thing or will ultimately burn out leaving me without anything left but the residual hatreds and angers? Yes and no. Yes, for the majority of my life I was definitely like you. I vividly recall telling a therapist that I had no intention of getting rid of the rage b/c like you, I felt it was my adrenaline. I was amazingly successful as an executive recruiter so it was serving me well to say the least. I also had a husband, 3 kids, a country club membership, the whole nine yards. But as time went on the pressure of life began to take its toll. I found that the way I enjoyed living my life didn't always mesh well, especially as my kids became teenagers. Finally my ODD was dx'd with a severe eating disorder and I found I had really met my match. Honestly, I could see where my "strength" was taking on prisoners. At that point I knew it was time to make a change in my life. I don't know how to explain it. I think I was just worn out b/c carrying my professional success was one thing, but carrying my family and all those complicated emotions and relationships was way more than I bargained for. 

Anyway, I'm not like you at all anymore. The odd thing is my strength is exponentially greater now than it ever was since beginning this healing journey. This is a great explanation of The difference between strength and courage. IMO strength is good but nowadays courage is greatness and it has truly opened my entire life beyond my wildest dreams. 

Hi, This is a post to my opening post in starting this thread and I wish to extend my sincere apologizes to any one who may have been offended by my opening of this thread.  I also request that the CL accept my apologize since this was my first post to any of the boards and I really let loose with both barrels. I hope I haven't offended any of the readers who are working toward healed the best they can, whereas I came across with nothing but spewing venom.

After I finished typing the opening of this thread I went to have dinner with my roommate, Misti, and told her that what I had posted may have been too strong. We finished dinner then did some studying and met back in my room where she read my opening post. All she could say was, "OMG". She then told me that I had to do some damage control but the more we talked she helped me compose this post and mention that there may be several other readers who have their own pent up rage that they may like to post on a 'venting thread' like mine. She also added that the CL needs to add her input as things progress to keep everything in line and not get out of control so to hurt some ones healing procedure. She concluded that I should let my post stand to see if it could be a good vehicle for some open venting against any victims abuser.

I feel that this venting thread is open for business, - but be nice to the other readers!!  ~ ~ Jackie and Misti.

Hi Jackie,

IMO your original post was just an obvious sign of your abuse. It's funny, we think we've put our past in the past yet it's posts like your first one that are nothing but neon signs of who we really are, people who are desperately trying to find a way to manage our pain. We're so much like abused animals. We just have learned how to refine ourselves so we look presentable. We even get so good at spinning our rationale for our "tough as nails" exterior that we think we're actually compassionate. However, the definition of compassion is "a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering." It's sad b/c our version of compassion is so limited since we're rigidly unwilling to feel our own pain and vulnerabilities that we have precious little understanding what true compassion is. What's ironic is that the one thing we hate the most, that is, being seen as a victim, is actually what we are showing to the outside world. The only one who's fooled is us.

The tough facade is really just that, a facade, and it's sadly obvious to those of us who have been down this healing path. I actually thank you for your original post. It reminds me of the armor I used to carry and I'm eternally grateful for the life I have now.

I wish you the best.

Hi Jackie,

I don't frequent this board often, although I was once a regular.  I did not find your posts offensive but very sad because once upon a time I was there, in the same place you are in.  I thrived on anger, resentment and hatred.  No one stood a chance against me.  I was tough, inside and out.  I was untouchable and unfortunately, unloveable.  Like you, I never touched alchohol or drugs.  I'd seen first hand where that got people in this life and I wasn't going there.  I plowed through life, determined to be the best at everything I put my hand to.  If someone or something stood in my way, I bulldozed over them. 

I understand you very well.  For that reason, I would ask that when you come here you keep an open mind.  Be open to hearing what those who seek healing and forgiveness have to say for we are all at different stages of the journey.  From your post and your profile I gather that you are fairly young.  As life continues on I think that in time you will find that the need to control everything is exhausting.  You may also find that such a lifestyle hurts many people whom you encounter in life, perhaps not in the same way that you were injured, but hurt just the same.  Life happens and sometimes you become weary and in those times what matters most is not control, but love, compassion and caring. 

Remember that abuse and all of the horrific things that you and I and the others on this board endured is what happened to us.  It is not who we are.