discussion title: Tired of My Own Game
Hi all, I'm 28, male and live in New York. I'd say that I have a healthy self-image, recognize that life has its ups and downs. For the most part, I know to keep my peace of mind and to not be too obsessed about any thing. My question is this:
I have been a loner probably since adolescence. For a long time, I thought that I am social-phobic, but a psychologist said that she did not find me shy. Rather, she said, I am simply holding back. That was six months ago, and now I am beginning to see her point. For example, I would act like a snob, give some one a cold shoulder when I am dying to make the connection, especially if she is a pretty female! Or, whenever I am alone, I want to go out and socialize. But then when I am out, I want to be alone. It is ridiculous, but I must be secretly enjoying these games or else I wouldn't be playing them.
I decided to put this question in the F&S section because, although I have no religion, I feel these games are no different from the dramas, like greed and jealousy, that possess our lives. Rather then to look at them as a problem which must be eliminated, I want to master them.
message #: 4206.2 in response to 4206.1
It took me awhile to think about your post before I came up with something to reply with. I've always been a loner, ever since childhood. I had people whom I called my friends but I've realized for many years now that they weren't really friends. During my high school years I had no friends at all. I spent Friday nights, the weekends, summer and Christmas vacations in my bedroom with my books and records. I didn't make any real friends until I went to college. I have two best friends. One is a girlfriend whom I met in college and whom I've known now for 27 years (I'm 20 years older than you are, BTW). The other one is my husband. My best girlfriend lives four hours away in another state. Since she is almost impossible to catch on the phone we keep in touch mainly through e-mail and Facebook and snail mail. I do believe that if it weren't for DH I would be completely alone. I'm not working right now, but I did have co-workers whom I called my friends, even though I only interacted with them while I was at work. We do keep in touch on Facebook, but that's about it. The thing is, I don't mind being alone. Either I simply got used to it over the years or else I really like it. I really think it's the latter.
I'm one of those people who simply has to have my alone time. I can't function if I'm around a lot of people all the time. People can easily get on my nerves and most of the time I simply want to be left alone. I think that some people were just meant to be loners and that's just the way we are. It's nothing to be ashamed of or something that we should have to explain to others. We're loners, always have been and always will be.
You said that you've been a loner since adolescence and not that you've been one since childhood, like me. So I would assume that there was a trigger somewhere since your teen years that brought this on with you. And you sound like someone who wants contact with others but is also conflicted about it at the same time, not someone who prefers to be alone. Hopefully you and your psychologist can figure out what is going on here.
message #: 4206.3 in response to 4206.1
I find it very admirable that you are looking inside yourself to try and sort out this behavior pattern. This is my first time visiting the F&S site...so bear with me. I am 38. I feel like one of the strongest human instincts is, obviously, self preservation. We don't want to put ourselves in harm's way either physically...or emotionally. I hear you saying that even though you might really feel inside that you want to make a connection with a person, you hold back and put up a wall. I think that really is normal. I think many people do this to varying degrees and in various manners. For me, as a young girl growing up I did not want to feel rejected by boys, so I put on a silly/goofy act. I projected myself as "that wacky girl" that everyone loved but no one took seriously. I didn't have to suffer rejection with guys, because none of them saw me as anything but "their goofy pal".
Perhaps you are putting up the wall of defense and acting snobby just so that you don't have to suffer the possible rejection that you might feel if people did have a fair chance to get to know you. Dropping your guard is hard. It requires that you release control of the outcome. You might get hurt. You might find the love of your life. You might meet your new best friend.
It feels uncomfortable at first, but once you learn to become vulnerable with people, you might find more of your authentic self in relationships. There will be good outcomes and, I promise you, there will be unpleasant outcomes.
That's just my two cents worth. Keep thinking! You'll find your way!
Yoroshiku!
message #: 4206.4 in response to 4206.3
Thanks for all the support. This is not the first time that some ones tells me about the fear of rejection, but for some reason this time it starts to mean something to me. I will definitely meditate on it. Can you expand on the idea? What is it like? I'm not interested in looking back, figuring out why I stone-wall every one. Instead, show me how to be vulnerable.
Earlier today I flipped out on a guy on my volleyball team. I was playing my guts out and he just stood there and let the ball drop. In the heat of the moment, I shot him a nasty look and said, "What the @$#% are you waiting for?" I felt bad about doing this to him publicly, but in some way I was glad because I didn't try to hide the uglier side of me ....
Edited 10/28/2009 12:31 am ET by jello-b
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