Suicidal Thoughts & Feelings

Have you ever pictured yourself in the center of a box? All the space around you is empty, but the walls are caving in and you are becoming more and more suffocated every day that goes by.

I don't know, it's the same thing. My mind is a mess, I'm finding a new feeling mixed in with the depression.....anger. Not just anger, but fury. I hate everyone. I hate everything. I hate life. I hate my house. I hate my car. I hate my family. I hate my pets. I hate myself. I hate my shrink. I hate money. I hate going outside. I hate talking.

I hate ___insert anything here____.

I go to my shrink about once every 2 weeks and it's the same thing. I sit there. She somehow turns the topic to herself and her family if I happen to talk, so I just stopped talking. This last session, we spent the last 10 minutes saying nothing. I stared at the wall while she stared at my file. Her clever plan at the end was to give me "homework." I was to go home and think about what I would like to accomplish with these sessions. It's been all most two weeks and I haven't come up with a thing. I don't know what I want, why do I have to have a goal...why can't I just be left alone and let me die. It's not like I'm ever happy, or satisfied or content. I'm always sad, depressed and now angry. I mean, I've been depressed since I was a child, as long as I can remember...these thoughts don't go away. Meds don't make me snap out of it. How much of a clue does society need to know that I am a loss cause???

To top it off, my ceiling has caved in from a bad roof and I got blown off by the roofers to fix it...so here comes winter and I basically have no insulation or roof protection on one side of the house. I'm stressed and angry to be blown off because I didn't have insurance or my house wasn't pretty enough to bring them big money. I hate them too.

Then with NO warning, my brother calls and tells me he's taking my phone away [we share some family deal-its cheap and what I can afford] to give to his 9 year old brat, so she can talk to her 9 year old buddies about barbie and webkins, because she can't control her talking on the phone. So naturally, the practicle solution here, would be to take my phone away...even though it's my only way to call out if I need help. Who cares if the mentally ill sister has a means of getting help....just as long as baby girl is happy-heaven forbid we teach her about responciblty. And perhaps I wouldn't be AS angry, but he gave me no time to find another means. He just called, and had the phone in a half hour. I hate him too.

Why stop there...I have eczema all over my feet, legs and arms. Most likely from allergies, but stress definitely makes it worse...especially on the arms. SO, I am miserable. I itch, burn and can't sleep hardly at all. I sit up so long that my feet and ankles are swollen...it's just easier to ignore the sleep than lay down only to jump back up 5 mins later with your skin screaming. I have tried everything, anything...nothings working. Only thing that has worked when it's this out of control is a steroid cream, that-oh what a BIG surprise-that you can only get it from the doctor. BUT being I've seen this doctor since a child and always been honest AND had no insurance/medical...I thought maybe just maybe, this once theyd let it slide and get me the presciption without having to come in and pay 70 bucks for 10 mins on their table, just to say, "oh hey, you have eczema JUST like you said you had..heres that cream!" Who was I fooling?? Nope, so I told them thanks for nothing, I'll suffer...why not, I suffer with everything else. I hate them too.

And that's not even half of the walls caving in. I can't take this much longer. I try talking to my shrink about these things and she always turns the topic to herself. And I hate every session-how she asks me what I did while I was away. If i say, oh not much...some house stuff [laundry, dishes, garbage day, etc...and if I'm going to be honest, I'm lying bout half the stuff just to get her off my back], went to parents for dinner every night. She will say, what else did you do? Rolls eyes...uh...ok fine, I sat on the puter a bit. "what did you do on the computer?" uh...browse?? Play couple online games?? "What did you browse? What games did you play?" who cares??? And if I happen to hit a topic that her family is familiar with, well I will get to hear a story about how her sons like to do that. Whoopy doo, let them pay for their own friggen session.

I feel trapped and I know I'm going to get the same old response I always get..but just once, I wish there was someone that could reach me. Because right now, I feel so alone and I don't want to do this anymore.

WB, applebear. I am awfully sorry that you have so much unhappiness in your life): Though I'd like to *fix it* for you, I am afraid that I can't. People are responsible for finding their own happiness in the world. No one can do it for us. In the same vein, you have limited your options of what anyone reading your post could say or suggest. Same old responses.

I will give it a shot, though;) Firstly, about the roof. You need to have it fixed. Having recently gone through the process myself(and my home is NOT pretty, either) I had 8 different contractors here. You will find the right one for the price you can afford. Actually, I had to tap into my neighbor's & my dad's wisdom to get the job done. Sometimes, women negotiating jobs like this is an easy way to be seen as a victim. DON'T ALLOW it! Do your homework. Get help from family or friends. Make it *look* as if you're tough & know what's up! Remember that old Latin phrase... illegitimus non carborundum.

For med help, click the tag in my siggie. Also, if you're un-insured or under-insured, see what the local assistance(welfare) office can do for you. There is NO SHAME in getting help! You may find it personally hard to do, but when I was w/out coverage, my dr. did provide free samples to me. If I needed an antibiotic, he chose one that was generic or less expensive if he didn't have samples. He was good about directing me to OTC products that were just as good & less expensive than prescription meds. You might find a steroid cream that is OTC. Get to as many websites for eczema care as you can. Sign up for their emails & updates. Once on their list, you will get free samples, advance notice of special promotions & coupons for their products. My dd has eczema & I haven't bought any Aveeno products for some time since I got so many different samples.

You aren't connecting w/your p-doc or vice versa. One of the best therapists I ever had, assigned me homework. I hated it & him! But... I faced the challenges he presented me & though I never liked to admit it, I learned a lot about myself & made improvements. Behavior is hard to change. Whether you need to change or your p-doc needs to, it will be hard to continue as is. You have three choices, as I see it. Ask for more direction/focus in your therapy & set goals together. Ask for another p-doc. Or... you can continue *as is* & pay good money for services that aren't helping or being provided.

As for the phone, you can check out all the service providers & see what you can afford. Plans are ever changing & some plans you can nearly write them yourself. Also, the government has a service for free if you qualify: https://www.safelinkwireless.com/EnrollmentPublic/home.aspx I am sorry your db took back the phone. This is something you had no control over. In time, perhaps you will be able to let it go.

I hope you feel some better that you were able to type out all your anger & frustration. When I feel alone, I reach out that way, too. Real life contacts are important to us. There's many things we can do to NOT feel so alone. Volunteering is one. Find a cause(you mentioned pets) & work towards their goals. When we look outside ourselves, our problems don't seem nearly as big. You will meet ppl & in turn make the human connections we all need to feel worthy & valuable. Join a fitness or health club. A book club. A house of worship. Take a class. Small steps over time will grant you the life you need & want. You deserve it!

In the event the suicidal thoughts become overwhelming, please call a hotline or a friend, ambulance or your p-doc. Don't allow it to get ahead of you. Sending P&PT's your way. GL & GBU! (((hugs))) jan