Suicidal Thoughts & Feelings

hi all, i haven't been to ivillage for a very long time.... used to be on the bipolar, ptsd and self harm boards.  i hope its' okay for me to just jump in here. 

my life has always been hard, like really hard.  i was sa'd by my own father when i was a kid.  that has affected every aspect of my life even today, now i'm in my 30's.  i haven't been able to maintain friendships, i just don't know how.  and recently for reasons to do with the abuse, my family has turned their back on me.  they didn't believe me when i told them, and now i'm totally on my own.  no family, no friends.  it's pretty hard.

there a million more things too.  i keep getting the crap beat out of me every time i try to get up and get better.  now i'm can't get myself to trust anyone, i'm afraid to try and don't want to keep going on alone like this.  i can picture myself in my 70's or something by myself, sick, with nobody that cares that will stop by to check on me. 

i have the best pdoc in the world, but i can only see him for 15 minutes every two weeks.  i've been in therapy for years, but have had a hard time finding something steady and helpful.  right now i'm on a waiting list.  i have two awesome cats that i love, and i know they need me.  but how can i expect myself to live the rest of my life just for my cats when i'm so unhappy and hopeless?

i'm afraid that if i tell pdoc about how strong my feelings are, i'll be thrown i/p again (it'll be trip #6).  my meds for bipolar seemed to be doing well.  i'm not sure that going i/p could help, since they just hold you there for a few days and release you, usually after they messed up your current med regimen. 

it also seems weird to be suicidal and not terribly depressed.  i have more 'energy' than when i've been severely depressed in the past.  but i'm certainly feeling suicidal... i don't understand.

thank you for listening to me.  i hope this doesn't violate any rules, please just delete this if i did. 

If you are in danger, please seek help immediately by calling 911, your local authorities, or the Suicide Hotline, 1-800-273-TALK.

Hi & welcome back! We are glad you remembered iVillage when you needed to reach out. It's a shame that you're feeling so hopeless & dealing w/thoughts of suicide): You say your bipolar is well controlled & you don't feel depressed. That makes me wonder if something has stressed you out or triggered a return of the thoughts. Whatever has happened, you CAN recover your balance.
I want you to be safe. If these thoughts can't be ignored, then you need to tell the p-doc. Honestly, like any illness, we need tune-ups from time to time. Though you seem reluctant to return inpatient, it is an option. It is NOT anything to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. It is for your safety. When I went IP, I got a respite from the stressors I faced day-to-day. It wasn't a hide-out. It WAS a change of scenery, but dang hard work! I spent most of the time in group therapy & individual sessions. My meds were tinkered with & I was discharged w/new insights into my depression & more coping skills under my belt.
The thoughts of our future can be frightening. Maybe this is some anxiety that has entered your life. Often times we want to control things that have no way of being controlled. Our future is one of those uncertainties in life that we have to come to terms with. It is very hard. Have you thought about a support group? What about a day program? There are others who have posted about the absence of continuity in therapy. Sometimes when we don't have access to a therapist on a regular basis, it helps to find another avenue.
As for your cats, hold on for those fur babies. You are the best friend they will ever have. When it seems the entire world is falling down around us, I have found that my pets were a bright spot to cling too.
Please keep in touch. I care about you & want to see you recover. GL & GBU! (((hugs))) jan

 

  

 

 

I've been there. Sometimes I still have some really bad days. But, I have two cats I don't want to leave. Animals can be such a healing power for us. I know you wouldn't want your cats to be alone. They would miss you terribly and I'm sure there are more people out there that care about you then you realize. Please come back and post again if you need to. You are not alone.

Christina