Etiquette Dilemmas

I feel I am being pressured by my daughter's birth mother regarding HER role in the wedding. We talked on the phone only one year ago and met at Christmas. Most people will be meeting her children, husband, parents for the first time at the wedding. I helped facilitate the reunion, have always shown her in the best positive light to my daughter and kept her aprised of my daughter's life through letters and pictures, passed through the attornies all these years. I had no problem inviting them. The B.M. has recently started asking direct questions: Where do we get to sit? Are we invited to the rehearsal dinner?

She also recently said some very unthoughtful things to me on the phone that really hurt my feelings and had my daughter not found me crying after the phone call, I would have kept it all to myself. Now, my daughter is so upset that she is about ready to un-invite them all!

I had planned to seat her family behind my parents, until she asked. Probably still will.
Should she and her mother have corsages?
They don't have anything to rehearse and that expense is being born by the groom's family, so I think that's a no.
Should they have a place in the rceiving line?
Should they be included in pictures?

Throughout my daughter's life, we adopted at birth, I have always held her in the highest esteem to my daughter, even when she went through the "I hate her and never want to see her stages!" The B.M. is basically grilling me for 1-2 hours about parenting decisions my husband and I have made and countless questions about whether this is the right mate for my daughter! I think it's very forward to say the least, boardering on rude. I think if the positions were reversed and I had just been reunited with my biological daughter less than one year ago that I would be honored to just be invited!

Am I being overly sensitive? I want to keep the peace. My daughter has involved the MOG and cried to her over this because she states adamantly that I AM HER MOTHER! Now, M.O.G. has her own opinions. My dughter also states that she has not known her B.M. long enough or well enough to love her, or know her.

Of course, I am so very grateful to both of my children's birth-families, or I would not be a Mother, so I want to handle this with tact. I'm really afraid if she keeps pushing, she'll push my daughter further away from her rather than draw her closer to her.

Suggestions please!

Hi and welcome.  I would first like to say you are a wonderful mom to adopt and to put up with this.  You have went above and beyond just keeping in contact over the years with BM.  I do not think you are being overly sensitive at all.

"My daughter also states that she has not known her B.M. long enough or well enough to love her, or know her."  Could this be your daughters way of saying she wants BM in the background?  I am not sure what or if there are etiquette rules for this.  If I were you or your daughter, I would seat her where you planned.  No rehearsal, corsage, receiving line or pictures.   BM gave birth to her.  Just about any woman can bear a child.  You are her MOTHER.  You were the one who changed the diapers, wiped her nose, hugged her, etc. 

I am pretty sure we have a few posters here that are adoptees and can offer more advice.  There is also a board at iVillage you may want to check out.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psadoption

Please feel free of course to stick around!  We are a fun bunch too!

I'd call up the BM and have a very candid, but polite conversation with her.

Let her know that your daughter is interested in having her be a part of her life, BUT she needs to realize she is putting way too much pressure on everyone. She is invited and welcome to join in the festivities, but as an honored guest. NOT as the mother of the bride (she chose to give that up).

Since it sounds like she and your daughter are not especially close, I would not invite her to the rehearsal dinner.

I would get her (not her mother) a corsage, something more simple that the other attendants. She is still an honored guest.

No, she does not have a place in the receiving line.

I would sit her and her family behind you and your family. (Still a seat of honor, but behind your family).

Whether or not to include them in pictures is your decision. If you and your daughter choose to include her, I would only include her in a few and be sure they are a duplicate (ie: bride with BM and 'real' mom *plus* bride with real mom). It is still too early to tell how this relationship will bear out and I would hate for your daughter not to be able to have some pictures without her in them.

Anyway, let the BM know she is invited but as a guest and nothing more. It is far too early in their relationship for her to have any real pull (and her questioning your parenting abilities is out of line and you should inform her of such, politely).

Good luck!

Melissa

Thanks for the advice, especially about the specific things. Yes, my dughter might regret not having a picture with her B.M. later from her wedding. but I do think the limitations you suggested on pictures are good, and need to be discussed in advance. This is not in my opinion the time or the place for group reunion pictures. I will, as always defer to my daughter on the final decision. She is an adult now, and I just want the best for her ultimate happiness with all families! I just think B.M. is so excited to have been reunited that she perhaps gets overzealous at times. It is a very new relationship, and my daughter seeks my help navigating through it.

In the end, I believe more love, from more family members can only be good for my child or I never would have kept in contact and helped to facilitate the reunion. It took my daughter a LONG time to come to the decision of reunification, and it is so early in the relationship with her B.M., that I hope I can find the grace and with God's help, say the right things to the B.M. Weddings are stressful enough, joining two families, and though we want to be gracious, we don't need any more stress, and hopefully B.M. will respect the part of "honored guest," and slow things down a little bit--for the sake her future relationship with her birth-daughter, and my daughter's relationship with her in the future.

Keep me in your prayers! It really helps to have someone else's perspective on this matter!

Thank you for the link to the adoption message boards. I am a newby to any message board, anywhere, not just on ivillage! I can't believe I mispelled etiquette! I was Frazzled!

Thanks again!