I feel very depressed and cant seem to climb out of it.
I come from a very large family (2 sisters and 6 brothers)and am very close to my sisters,we're close in age and very much alike. We are all in our 40s now, married, children etc. All my siblings and my mother live near each other(Missouri) except me, I live across the country(Oregon)from them with my boyfriend and my daughter.
My sister's husband of 25years became ill with cancer last year. I also have a younger brother was on a 2 year tour in Afghanistan and Iraq. Both of these issues were on the top of my worry list and I have tried to stay as closely connected to my family as I can, (phone, email, visits).
My brother came home a hero in August07 and got married right before Christmas and My brother-in-law died just after christmas. I went and visited with my sister and the rest of my family for about 2 weeks at the 1st of the year, during that time I felt so free and cared for (like I belonged there). My family is always on my side no matter what and I dont usually feel that in my daily life. I usually feel alone. It was the first time in years where I didnt want to leave after a visit, I wanted to stay.
and since then I want to quit my job, get in my car and go home, but I cant, my 22 year old daughter needs me here and doesn't want to (refuses) move and I have a boyfriend of 10 years who loves me, needs me here and doesnt want me to go. He would go with me if I pushed it but truthfully I want to go home alone, not to mention the financial reasons for staying where I am. Since Ive came back to my daily life I have been very blue and I feel there is no direction in my life (no fun). I feel I would be happier back home near my brothers and sisters.
Both my sisters and my mother are widows now and live less than a mile away from each other, they shop and decorate and cook and do projects with my brothers. I dont do much of anything and have no one here to do those things with. If I moved home i would have that.
On the other hand I love my boyfriend, I love the state of Oregon and enjoy my job. Am I foolin myself and just seeing "the grass is greener on the other side" or am I wasting my time and my life here where I dont belong. Ive lived here for 10 years now and built a fairly secure life. I know you can get depressed after a vacation or holiday (been there done that)this is different. I need to fall in love with where I am now in my life again, find something to inspire me. the thrill is gone in my life and I dont know how to get it back. How do you really know whats right for yourself?
Thanks Mary
