As the "moderator" it's my role to step in from time to time, but after reading the messages posted so far, I feel compelled to step out of that "safe" role and offer a personal comment and pose a question.

I marvel at the strength of those responding, and I am awed at the risk it takes to do that. That's not something that comes easily to me. During the research phase for this program, I found a report that said men don't talk about their feelings because it stigmatizes them. If a guy admits to emotions other men will peg him as weak. You can forget about moving up the corporate ladder if you get pegged as weak - and so we get very good at building shields. The study said that men think they can tough it out after loss, while women TALK about what's happening to them. I have to confess, I've always been very confused by this. Why is admitting to emotions weak and denying them strong? And yet that's how I for one had lived - keeping emotions inside and the world at arms length.

Then something like 9/11 happens and the world gets knocked off its axis. What's the best response when there are no guideposts to recovery? What do you do when arms length doesn't work anymore? If you don't talk, how do you even know to ask for help? I think that was part of the objective of the attacks actually, to get us to turn inward. They came to break the connectons that make us human, but more precisely to get us to do that to ourselves - and with me it had worked. I was like a guy you look at through the wrong end of binoculars - I had become a tiny dot of my former self, getting smaller as I denied my anger - and I was paying a great price. Then I discovered something! What I saw was that people who were opening up were getting better. I wanted to get better too, but my lifelong approach wasn't working.

That's where my question comes in. As I read the stories posted so far, I am absolutely bowled over by the strength of the people brave enough to step out of their comfort zones and talk about their pain. As I look down the list of postings, I see so many are offered by women, and I wonder: if women appear to be more comfortable talking about their feelings– and the study says this is so - is there a secret in that? Is there a value in the simple act of talking? Is that the answer to how we learn from loss? If we talk more, if we open up and accept the risk of that, do we reduce the chances that we will become tiny dots?

I meet regularly with some of the 9/11 family members as a support group, men included, and I can tell you that we open our hearts and shed many tears together. I do not think any less of a man for opening his heart or showing his tears. One of the reasons why we are able to do this is because we feel that we are sharing in a "safe haven." We are bonded together, trying to come to terms with our 9/11 experience and loss. In the beginning when we first started to meet, we felt as though we were in a lonely hearts club that no one wanted to join. Our experience is not one that can be easily understood by many people and I feel that this is true for most everyone working within the airline industry post 9/11. Being able to share your feelings and experience with others can not only be therapeutic for you but you may be helping others. We learned that even though we process our hurt and sorrow differently and at different times, we all shared similar feelings of fear, anger, and thoughts which was very helpful. It helped us to realize that our processing was normal and that we were not alone.

Cathie