It has been a long time since I've posted on these boards but I need help. Please bear with me as I share my story as briefly as possible, but no promises on how brief.
My history: Stillbirth at 5mo in 1986, ectopic (treated surgically) in 1995, early miscarriage in 1996, preg & gave birth 1997-98, preg & gave birth 1999-00, miscarriage in Nov, 2002 and now an ectopic (treated medically with MTX) right now.
I started having panic attacks about 10yrs ago, didn't know what they were but after self learning and finally a visit to a therapist, I was diagnosed with panic disorder. Within the past 5 years it has developed into Generalized Anxiety Disorder with Panic attacks and agoraphobic tendencies, I say tendencies because I force myself to go out and do "some" things. Though my husband basically does all shopping and errands. I've had it under some control until recently, now it's full blown and I can hardly function, even in my own home.
Just recently, as described above, I found out I was pregnant, but U/S showed nothing in my uterus and because of my history of an ectopic, I was treated as such. Sent to ER for blood work and found to be a good candidate for Methotrexate, a chemotherapy drug injected to stop the growth of fetus and/or pregnancy tissue. With this shot, you must be tested 4 & 7 days later for hcg levels and they must drop at least 15% for the drug to be considered working. But there is a chance that the tubal could rupture so I lived in monstrous fear, the fear only fellow anxiety/panic sufferers could imagine, up until day 4 and still at that point, I couldn't find relief. I started bleeding heavy and passing pregnancy tissue and clots on day 6 post-MTX injection. I called one of the dr's in the practice and he said "It might be a good sign"...but I had searched and searched the internet about this drug and no where that I read did it say this would happen..unless it was with another drug...combined causes abortions. So, I was extremely scared, but after the bleeding slowed down, I started to be "logical"...not easy for an anxious/panicky person, and figured that it was a sign that the hcg levels had dropped, which is what we wanted. So, for once in 6 days, I felt at ease. I did not feel like a walking timebomb any longer, wondering if my tube would rupture.
Just as I became comfortable with the situation, another dr. in the practice called and said she was concerned, my hcg level on day 4 was 17,000 and that a rupture could be pending inevitably. "Report to the ER NOW, we are going to do an emergency laparoscopy". Scared to death, DH drove me to ER where they took blood to check hcg levels. I was in such a state of panic at this point that I was so dizziness and out of it, that I was afraid that it had already ruptured and that explained the dizziness. Of course, panic sufferers just never seem to be able to differentiate between the symptoms of real danger and not. Being worried is understandable in my situation at that point, but I was beyond terror. The test came back an hour later and my hcg level had dropped from 17,000 to 2796!! This was good news. No surgery, no rupture. WOW, you would think that this would have ended the anxiety and panic...but it hasn't. I came home rather excited that night, knowing that I was going to be ok...and I was accepting the anxiety symptoms I was experiencing.
This is where I need help and support. I can not get rid of the fear feeling. I have to keep reminding myself, when I can, that I don't need to feel that fear anymore. It's almost as if I'm stuck in the terrorized state I was in while at the hospital. Why can't I get past it. I say to myself "You're ok", "You are fine now", "There is nothing to fear anymore". But I can't believe it. Going to a therapist is out of the question right now because I won't be covered by insurance for about another month. How can I get passed this? How can I stop the obvious adrenlin release? Could this still be lingering adrenlin that was released during my intense fear moments?
I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of medications, I'm afraid of so much...so many phobias...fear of dizziness is the most feared. Can anyone relate to me at all? I can't discuss this with many people in RL because they all think I'm sooooo strong because that is what I convey. They know I have anxiety/panic but they do not understand how powerful and scary it is.
Thanks for listening, I'm sorry that it's so long, but I needed to get all of this off my chest.
Andrea
