Pregnant after 40

My daughter passed away a year ago this past September. A few months after I lost her I found out I was pregnant again. That pregnancy resulted in a m/c. I found out a couple of weeks ago I am again pregnant. I am happy and my husband is not. He told me he didn't want it and I should have an abortion.....I refused.

We were having dinner two nights ago and he said best case scenario for us is that the baby would be sick and I would have to abort her. I was devastated. How can a man that tells you he loves you say something incredibly cruel?

We don't' talk about the baby, he didn't go with me to my doctor's appt., and he didn't ask how it went. I can't share with him the things I find for the baby and I am so hurt. I can't begin to express how crushed I am, I want to die.

I told him the marriage is over and he has to leave and he said he is not getting excited about the baby and is ok with it. How do I do this on my own??? I am so scared and hurt. How can you love someone and be so selfish, how can he turn his back on us?

I am so alone....

First of all ~ Big Big HUGS to you!  Remember you are NOT alone.

I lurk here often & Cl the foster parenting board, but wanted you to know what I read in your post.

My DH and I have been married now for almost 20 years (both of us just turned 40) and we now have 3 beautiful kids and 3 foster kids, but our very first son died when he was 7 days old.  He was born full term & everything should have been fine, no problems during pregnancy so it was very unexpected.

It has been 17 years, but I still remember it like yesterday.  And the one thing I get from reading your post is that your DH is grieving.  You didn't mention how old your daughter that passed away was, but I am sure it also devastated your DH.  Then the promise and hopefulness of another only to be lost through m/c.  Another loss for your DH too.  He is terrified whether he expresses that or not and he refuses to "feel" and be "excited" for fear of another loss.

The one thing I learned (which is why I included a small snipet of my life) is that men and women grieve the loss of children in such different ways.  After our son passed away numerous people told us to stick close because 90% of couples divorce after losing a child.

Right after our loss, I remember wanting to kill my husband thinking he was an insensitive pig after overhearing him talk about the loss of our son to a friend.  Honestly, I think I physically attacked him asking how could he talk like that (like it didn't matter to him that our son had died).  I know my husband was destroyed over the loss though, I'd also seen that side although he hid much of it from me.

Needless to say the next time I became pregnant he was terrified and it was difficult for him to be happy.

I can't predict the future, but give him some time and realize this may all be a front because he is too terrified to "be happy" for fear of another loss, something he can't prevent or stop.  He may choose to say hurtful things (lie it would be best if she were sick, etc...) to keep up this front and talk himself out of "caring".  False bravado.

You are in my thoughts and prayers!!  Please remember you are never alone and KUP.

P&PT~

Briana

I was thinking the same thing as the previous poster.

Was your husband happy about your first child together?  How did he grieve when she passed?  What was his reaction to the second baby when you told him you were pregnant, and how did he react when you miscarried?

These are all important clues as to what is going on in his head. 

If he was happy and wanted the other babies, then it sounds like he is terrified that he will lose this baby also.  It is easier sometimes to not have something than to have to go through the tremendous pain of losing it all over again.

On the other hand, if he didn't and doesn't want children, and was never interested in or excited about the other pregnancies,then it is of my honest opinion that you need to let him go. 

His decision to not want children is no reflection on you, it is just how he feels about it.  You, on the other hand, love and want all your children, and that is all that matters.

This may sound harsh, but in the long run, he is just a guy that you met and married, but your child and you have a bond that will last through eternity.

But really, until you share some of the details, it's hard to give you any concrete advice.

((HUGS!)) 

I agree with what the other wise ladies said... and also hope you have some counseling available for the two of you.

When I found out I was pregnant this time (married 23 years, completely unplanned), my DH was NOT thrilled, nor was I.  But I wasn't about to terminate the baby.

We did go talk to a relationship counselor, who specialized in couples going through "crisis" issues.  And it really did help me get my feelings out, and get him to express his concerns.  Turns out he was not so much against the having of a child, but was worried about HIS ability to be there, to provide, to support.  He has had health problems in the past that I didn't know still haunt him.  All of his ranting and worrying and arguing translated to me that he was disengaging from me, but it really wasn't the core issue -- and thank goodness he was able to articulate the worry and talk with someone to get him past it.

Now my DH is excited -- still concerned, but not freaked.  Give it some time, and do think about getting help to support you, while he just can't do it.  His response may be that he so very much loves you, that he can't fathom this right now.