discussion title:
Nowhere to turn..
I don’t really know where to start. I’m new here, and just coming to terms with my anger problems. I’ll start off on my background, which is what I think is part of the problem. I am 22 years old, the oldest of three. My brother is 16, my sister is 14. My parents have been married for 23 years. My father has always been “the enforcer” in our home. Growing up, the term “positive reinforcement” wasn’t even in my dad’s vocabulary. He would (and still does) constantly put everyone down, and thinks that everyone could do better at everything. If I brought home an A, I’d get yelled at for not bringing home an A+. Things like that. Nothing was ever good enough for him. When I misbehaved, (which entailed anything from rolling my eyes, to cutting all the hair off my Barbies) my dad would hit me. I remember beign real young and seeing my father hit my mother several times. They often got into physical arguments, and it got worse over they years. We would get hit for everything. I can think of endless situations where we were beat for the most trivial of things. As I grew older, and saw how wrong this was, I grew resentful of my father, and still am to this day, because I have inherited his explosive anger. I used to hit my siblings when I would babysit them during the summer. This was when I was an early teen, my sibs were only about 6 and 4. What got me to stop doing that was the beating I got when my brother told my dad that I had hit him. As I grew older, I learned to control the physical part of my anger, but I fly into explosive rages all the time. Especially when my dad “gets in my face”. It has proved beneficial in a few situations where my father was abusing my mother, and I have attacked him to make him stop. The last time my dad did that, he choked me for about 5 minutes until I almost passed out, after I had punched him a few times for trying to break my mom’s arm. Only when I started to pass out, did my mom call the police on him. No charges were filed, and he broke the temporary restraining order and came back home hours later. I moved out of my house to avoid that situation, since my mother wouldn’t leave, I did. I don’t even know why I am saying all of this, but I get so mad, and say extremely hurtful things to the people I love, and I feel its because of this. It is beginning to ruin my relationships with everyone. I cannot control this, as I feel I am always being attacked when people say things even remotely negative towards me. I cannot help this and always feel like people are criticizing me. I have road rage, and I am very impatient. My mother and a few friends told me a while back that I should seek counseling for my anger, and I responded by telling all them that they are the f-ups, and other very mean things, and I withdrew from them for a couple months. Often, when I say these mean things, I don’t remember saying that stiff as soon as 5 minutes later. I have controlled a few situations and found that I overreact about the STUPIDEST things. I have a problem seeing other’s point of view, and have lost several friends because I have exploded about something minor that I didn’t’ agree with. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to start. I need assistance with controlling this problem. I cannot do it by myself. I don’t know if I need anger management classes, or if I should see a psychologist. If anyone has any helful numbers or links, or ideas, they are extremely welcome. I have to deal with this on my own, my family is not going to change.
discussion title:
Nowhere to turn..
message #:
1054.2 in response to 1054.1
Hi. I think it is very important for you to find a good counsellor or pshycologist. You have suffered some terribly traumatic things and it's not just going to go away on it's own.
You can start with the phonebook, or with your GP, or by checking this website: http://helping.apa.org/locator/ (They also have a good article on anger here: http://www.apa.org/pubinfo/anger.html#counsel)
It's very important to find the right person. Don't be afraid to ask questions on the phone. My advice is to make sure they:
- use principals of cognitive behaviour therapy
- specialise in recovery from childhood trauma
There's no point seeing someone who specialises in marriage or family couselling, and if they mention dream analysis I wouldn't bother either!
Trust your feelings - you'll know if they're helping you, and if not find another therapist. But don't give up! Your past is a weight round your neck, but you're still young, and this is the best time to be sorting out these problems and looking to the future. Best of luck!
Carol
discussion title:
Nowhere to turn..
message #:
1054.3 in response to 1054.1
Welcome to the board.
I agree with Carol. It seems like your past is creating huge problems and that needs to be dealt with. If you feel you cannot do it by yourself, you should try to seek out help in whatever form you are most comfortable with. Anger Management classes may help you to be able to manage your anger better when it happens, but until you deal with what is causing the issues, namely the things your past causes, you will continue having the anger and it will be like a band-aid on the problem. A therapist may be a good choice to help you sort all of that out.
(((hugs))) to you. Dealing with these things is not easy and is harder when we feel we have to do it alone. I hope you can find an avenue to deal with the anger that works well for you.
discussion title:
Nowhere to turn..
message #:
1054.4 in response to 1054.3
Just an update. I have begun to address this problem. I am starting psychiatric therapy in about a week. Still a little numb about this whole thing, the Dr. says i should really try meds. I don't know how to feel about that. I don't think I need meds, but if how I feel is uncontrollable, then I guess meds would be beneficial. I had a very bad explosion recently and ended up severly damaging my relationship with my longtime boyfriend, who is my rock. That is what prompted me to physically pick up the phone. The preliminary eval stated that I may be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. i think that's a bunch of BS, personally, but the Mental Health Service won't refer me to a psychologist, only a psychiatrist. So, I'm gonna give it a go. i should have heeded my mother's advice to go see someone six months ago...things would have been alot better.
discussion title:
Nowhere to turn..
message #:
1054.5 in response to 1054.4
Good luck with it! Keep an open mind but try to trust your own feelings as well. There are plenty of people out there who are far too quick to diagnose syndromes and prescribe meds, but it's just like any other field of medicine - it's your right to get a second opinion. Perhaps a course of meds may help you through this crisis now - but it's very important that it should go hand in hand with proper psychotherapy and abuse recovery. Thank you for updating and please let me know how it's going. I really wish you all the best with this!
Carol
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