Anger Management

One last post before this board goes read-only.

THINGS THAT HAVE WORKED FOR ME

* Cognitive Behaviour Therapy

Don't knock it till you try it, but be prepared to WORK at it, and make sure you have a therapist who knows their stuff. My therapist uses the book "Mind over Mood", which you could try on your own, but after reading many books myself over the years I found in the end that I really needed that weekly talk with a professional to make real progress.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0898621283/qid=1104499662/sr=8-1/ref=pd_csp_1/103-3621376-0838211?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

* Learning to go easy on myself

A realisation that has come out of this therapy is that I have always been SO hard on myself - I wasn't allowed to do anything wrong, even if it was a complete accident. I am finally lightening up on myself. It has been so liberating to now be *allowed to make mistakes*! And in lightening up on myself it has followed that I do the same with other people.

* Communicating my needs and wants

I had a serious problem with asking for things. Well I could ask for things for my kids, or for other people, but not for myself. I am now making a point of asking for help, or to be heard, or whatever it may be *before* it is too late and I have already started to feel resentful.

As part of this I am also trying to communicate my expectations far better. In the past I'd have an idea about what I wanted to do, but then just go along with others, and then feel extremely irritated if things didn't go perfectly - seeing as I'd had a better plan all along! Only I never told anybody so how could they have known. This also extends to kids who really do need to have your expectations of their behaviour spelled out in advance.

Another aspect has been convincing myself that my own wants are actually *allowed*. It IS okay for me to say "kids I want you to go and do that somewhere else because the noise is really bugging me!" In the past I would have felt I needed a "better" reason and tried to deny how irritated I was feeling - until it was too late and I'd lost my temper.

* Improving my parenting skills

Two absolutley fantastic, can't live without 'em books:

Parent Effectiveness Training http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0609806939/qid=1104500197/sr=2-1/ref=pd_ka_b_2_1/103-3621376-0838211

How to talk so kids will listen...
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0380811960/qid=1104500197/sr=2-2/ref=pd_ka_b_2_2/103-3621376-0838211

* Managing Irritation

I think I still have a greater tendency to become irritated than other people I know - but I'm learning how to manage it, and now instead of feeling irritable every single day it's more like a once a week thing. Some things that have helped:

- Watching the calendar - I've observed now over many months of keeping track of iritation levels each day that I do have a cranky day or two around ovulation and around the start of my period. I mark the likely days in my calendar and I make sure I get enough sleep then and don't pack my schedule.

- Noticing the early signs of irritation and getting myself some space asap. Sometimes this has meant putting a crying toddler in her cot and locking myself in my room for a few minutes. I used to try this without much success but now I do a quick "thought record" (which is a cognitive behaviour therapy thing) and I'm usually ready for the fray again in only a few minutes - quite often after having learnt something useful about myself in the process.

- Communication (again). Irritation often signals that I'm not getting something I thought I would (space, consideration, the garbage taken out...) So I'm trying harder to pinpoint what I'm feeling resentful about and communicate it appropriately to others in my life. Actually the book "Parent Effectiveness Training" has really helped with this - and I'm not just talking about communicating with kids.

- Noticing what activities are incompatable with interruptions - for me these are exercise and work (I work from home). So I exercise when the toddler is in bed, and older DS is under strict instructions not to interrupt me unless he's bleeding. And I employ a sitter to look after the kids in the afternoons so I can work uninterrupted.

I'm sad that this board is finally being finished off, but then it's always been way too slow and I don't have the emotional energy to take the constant rejection of being cl here - at least that's how it often felt in the three years I was cl and I'd spend so much time answering desperate posts and the posters would either not respond at all, or would gripe that they only got one answer, but either way you'd never hear from them again. There have been a few regular posters from time to time - those that know me I still think about you sometimes and I hope things are going ok for you. I've never managed to find another forum that is what I'd hoped this one could be - they're either as mean as hell, or full of people pushing drugs - and I guess now I never will.

Good luck to you.

Carol