Current Debates

The Pink Dress

Young Sam demands to wear a dress to school, forcing his parents to make a decision: protect him from ridicule or cultivate his self-expression?

By Sarah Hoffman

At seven o'clock on a Thursday morning, my 4-year-old son announced, "I'm going to wear a dress to school today." I froze, teacup halfway to my lips. I shouldn't have been entirely surprised by the statement, given Sam's history on the pink side of the dress-up box, but this time something was different.

The previous weekend, Sam and I had visited his grandma in Malibu. Looking to cool down after a sunny playground romp, the three of us had wandered into a high-end children's boutique. While his grandma and I snickered over rhinestone-encrusted Converse sneakers and $600 infant sweaters, Sam was drawn to a frilly pink sundress. "Can I have it?" he asked.

I blinked at him. Trying to keep things light, I told Sam the dress was not his size. He dropped his chin to his chest, big blues fixed on me. "Well, are there dresses in my size?" he asked shyly. I paused, trying to decide what to say. "Boys don't wear dresses" came to mind, but that wasn't true—Sam had always loved trying on his girl friends' princess costumes. "I'm not going to buy you a $270 dress from this ridiculous store" also came to mind, but that didn't address the point—his or mine. He would be asking the same question about a $7.99 sundress at Target, and I'd still be wondering why my boy wanted to wear one—and why, really, he couldn't. As I steered him out of the store, Sam started to weep. "I wish I had a pink dress!" he wailed.

"But sweetie," I said in my best calm, concerned mommy tone, "you have two pink dresses. Your princess dress-up costumes are both pink."

"But I want one I can wear to school!"

At 4, Sam has been expressing his preference for pink for half his life. My husband and I have bought him several pink items that fall in the sort-of-odd-but-socially acceptable range: pink Converse sneakers (hold the rhinestones), pink T-shirts, and—our most risqué to date—a hot pink polo shirt. His grandparents gave him a pair of pink light-up Skechers that he adores. The dress-up box at home overflows with pink tulle, lace, and marabou feathers.

But for public appearances, my husband and I realize that certain things—hair accessories, flowery clothing designs, dresses—are on the other side of a line we haven't been quite willing to cross, one that sits right between eccentric-but-cute and is-that-a-boy-wearing-that? We have tried to find a comfortable place on the near side of the line where Sam can express himself without inviting ridicule, and we knew that a pink sundress would go beyond that. But it was starting to look as if Sam was no longer happy within the narrow parameters we'd established to protect him.

I'd wanted to think that this was just a phase for Sam, but I was beginning to understand that it was not. My son wanted to wear a dress—for real, not for dress-up. He wanted to show the other children in his life, in preschool—the place where he expresses himself publicly—his true self. The pink-sundress-wearing self. And I was going to have to figure out what to do.

I am a woman who rarely puts on a skirt or heels, and I was a kid who preferred overalls to frills. The part of me that thinks outside of the gender box looks at Sam and thinks he should wear whatever makes him feel most comfortable and beautiful. And yet ... I am his mother, and my fiercest urge is to protect him. I know that boys who look and act like girls get tormented, beaten up, and beaten down. A dress on a boy feels like an invitation to mockery.

My husband and I didn't know whether Sam was ready to wear a dress to school—or if we were ready for him to. We wondered if learning to fit in with the other boys was more important than expressing the real Sam. Yet we knew that our attempts to steer him toward the masculine were not working, and that he was becoming increasingly resistant to wearing boy clothes in general. More important, we knew that denying his desire to look the way he wants would quash a part of him and make him unhappy, probably in a more fundamental way than we even understood.

So I bought him a dress, a $10 pink embroidered sundress from Old Navy. I did not decide if it would be okay for him to wear it to school, because I was not ready to decide. I figured he could try it out at home and see how he felt. How we felt.

Sam's declaration that he would wear the dress to school saved us, in a way, from having to make a decision. He had already made up his mind. I warned Sam carefully that if he wore it, he would probably get teased. He was undeterred, adamant about wearing the dress; clearly, avoiding teasing was a lower priority for Sam than simply being himself. I could see that standing up for his choices in a relatively safe and supportive environment was a useful life lesson. And it occurred to me that having confidence—being proud of who he is, even if he's different from other kids—is the best defense against the inevitable ridicule.

So we coached Sam, as best we could, on what to say to the children at preschool who might tease him. We role-played the kinds of things he could say back to them. We talked about how much teasing can hurt, and how teasing is wrong.

At that morning's drop-off, my confidence in Sam moved up a notch when he announced to his teacher, "Look at my pretty dress! No one is allowed to make fun of me."

After school, Sam beamed as he reported that his teachers had said they liked his dress, and the other 4-year-olds had said he looked pretty. But the kids in the 5-year-old class had teased him and told him that he was "girly," that "boys can't wear dresses," and that he "must not be a boy."

"What did you say back?" I asked, hiding my trepidation behind an encouraging smile.

"I said, 'Don't make fun of me! I can be a boy and wear a dress, because it is my choice!'"

I couldn't have said it better. I asked Sam how he felt about his day in a dress, and he said, "I want to wear a dress to school again!"

And how did I feel about the experiment? Well, next week is tie-dye week at school. The class parent in charge of ordering the clothes (T-shirts for the boys, dresses for the girls) called to ask if I wanted a T-shirt or a dress for Sam. Touched by her thoughtfulness, I thought I would give Sam the same consideration she had, so I let him decide.

It looks like there will soon be two dresses in Sam's closet.

http://www.cookiemag.com/homefront/2008/01/pinkboys?currentPage=3

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Would you have done the same thing? What do you think?

I am so glad that little boy has those parents!!  They accept him as he is unconditionally.  We should all parent our children that way.  That was a very sweet story, and not a terribly uncommon one, though they're often not shared.

I would NOT have handled this the same way.   I am the mom of a daughter and two sons. (all in their teens now)   My boys had dolls, my daughter had trucks, they all played with the kitchen sets, my daughter is a deer hunter, one of my boys is a hunter, one couldn't kill an animal unless his life depended on it.    I treated my kids fairly neutral growing up, didnt over do the princess thing or the rough boy thing.  However if my son expressed an interest in wearing a dress at that early of an age, I would not have allowed him to wear it to school or in public.  He could wear it at home, or to play, or whatever but not to school.  For one it could/would cause a disruption in class just from the attention.  Second, I dont think kids that age understand the consequences or how mean other kids can be.  I get that the parents say they explained it, but I dont think four year olds can really grasp that much detail.  Its a parents job to still protect their kid at that age, to make decisions for them and to teach them what is acceptable and what is not. 

This isnt about the larger picture of a kid dressing in drag or if his sexuality is in question, he is only four.  He will be what he will be, but at that age, its not up to the kid to decide what they will wear.  It is up to the parent to explain to their child and teach their child the customs of the place they live in, and how society expects us to act. Society expects us to wear "normal" clothes, and eat our food the way it is expected, for example we use our silverware differently than some people do in other cultures.  You dont expect someone to drive on the left because here we drive on the right.  Part of raising our kids is teaching them how to be a part of society, and when to express themselves and how to be fully functioning adults, and to love and protect them when they are small. 

I think there is a line between stifling a kid and letting them do whatever they want in order to not squelch them.  I think the mom should have told him that not everyone thinks its ok for little boys to wear dresses, and while he likes it, its not appropriate to wear to school.  If he decides next week he wants to dress like a football player will she send him in helmet and cleats?  It may or may not be a phase, but to send a little kid out into the world knowing he will probably be ridiculed isnt the right thing to do.  He may have come through it for now, but what about a few years down the road when the kids are still teasing him, or if he stays in the same school he will always be known as the boy who wears dresses, no matter if it was a phase or some permanent aspect of his personality.  Its just too much to allow a four year old to decide, the weight is too much no matter how articulate and determined this mother thinks her kid is. Dont we all think our own kids are much more intelligent and mature than others? 

Your point is well-made and well-taken.  There is alot of validity to what you said in your post.

My point of view is informed by my belief that the child in this story is not just going through a phase.  I may be totally wrong, but there seems to be a gender identity issue happening. 

My dd's best friend is a boy withf, what I believe, is a gender-identity issue.  From the time he was 4, he, like the boy in the story, desperately wanted to be more feminine.  He came to my house to dress in dd's clothes.  He loved to do her hair and dress her up when he knew it was unacceptable for him to do so . 

He started painting his nails, doing makeup, and hair before dd did.  He didn't do this at school, mainly because it wasn't age-appropriate.  In the past year or so (they're 13), he's begun wearing a bra.  All his friends are girls.  He is not a warped weird kid - he is truly, just one of the girls.  The boys never really bothered with him because he is so not "one of them" that there would be no point to teasing him. 

He now outwardly says he's "gay", but hasn't had a relationship, since he is only 13, but I really believe that he will eventually undergo a sex-change.  His parents basically let him do what he wants in this regard, but still bought him regular boy clothes and things.  He himself buys more feminine things.  Not like a drag queen, but for instance, he'll wear jeans and a hoodie that are skinny jeans and a thin patterned hoodie, where other boys are wearing baggy jeans and thick hoodies and t-shirts. 

My dd has slept over his house, he's slept at ours.  I would not let a heterosexual boy sleep over with my dd.  I'm comfortable with him because he is, just one of the girls. 

It sounds bizarre, maybe, to some, but it really isn't.  It's  a little different, but for the most part, my family and all his friends just know him as the same kid who has always been around, no change in personality, just born in the wrong body. 

I disagree.  I think attire is one of those areas where we can allow children to be themselves in a pretty harmless manner.  I also think that a 4 year old can understand consequences when they are explained to him and can be capable of handling his own choices.  I applaud the parents for what they have done for their child.  I applaud them for carefully explaining to him what he would face in wearing a dress and I applaud them for still allowing him his choice in the matter even after knowing that he would be ridiculed and laughed at.  Yes it could be a very harming situation to his self-esteem, but it could also be a very empowering situation to his self-esteem.  Which way it goes is entirely dependent on how the parents handle it and from what we got from the blog, it sounds like they handled it very well.

<<Society expects us to wear "normal" clothes, and eat our food the way it is expected, for example we use our silverware differently than some people do in other cultures.>>

That's the thing though, what is the definition of "normal" clothes.  I see some really strange attire on the teens out there now.  How do I know what is "normal"?  What I think is not normal someone else will think is perfectly normal.  It's incredibly subjective.

The silverware - I work with a gal who is originally from a different country.  She has different eating habits than we do and uses her silverware differently.  When we have had department lunches out together, she is using her silverware differently.  But no one makes fun of her.  No one throws her out of the restaurant because she's not "normal".  It's accepted that different people are different.

<<You dont expect someone to drive on the left because here we drive on the right.>>

That's completely about safety.  The whole reason we have traffic laws is to protect the safety of everyone on the road.  It has nothing to do with "normal" or not "normal".

<<If he decides next week he wants to dress like a football player will she send him in helmet and cleats?>>

Again - safety issue.  Helmet and cleats would not be allowed in the classroom because they can injure another student in the classroom.  A dress does not carry those same safety concerns.

<<It may or may not be a phase, but to send a little kid out into the world knowing he will probably be ridiculed isnt the right thing to do.>>

Kids get ridiculed about all sorts of things.  Some things they can change.  Some things they can't change.  Some they can change but only with great difficulty.  We can never be sure that we are protecting our kids from scorn and ridicule.

<<He may have come through it for now, but what about a few years down the road when the kids are still teasing him, or if he stays in the same school he will always be known as the boy who wears dresses, no matter if it was a phase or some permanent aspect of his personality.>>

What about teaching the other kids that it's not nice to tease?  If the teacher of this child was smart (and I don't remember if it said what she did) she would use it as a teaching opportunity for the entire class to point out that all kids are different and all kids do different things and that just because a kid is different from yourself does not mean it's ok to tease.